arg.

I guess part of me wishes to go back to how things were before everything hit the fan. Back when things made sense.
It's just really sad to have the divorce filed, and the full situation hit me.
Worst of all, I had to give a speech at a Valentine's event last night, and give a group of women tips on dating/relationships. It was very ironic since my heart was broken. I hid it pretty well.
I finally signed the final paper (after waiting forever for him to sign), on Wed and it's now Friday. The best part was that I didn't have a panic attack in the elevator, or waiting room, I did the last couple of times I went there, and I was really dreading the elevator. I'm still fearing the subway due to some really awful panic attacks I had on there, that felt like near death experiences, and so I walked about 25 blocks to the lawyers. I ended up walking a total of 7 miles that day, with some errands.
I had fun plans for the weekend, which I've had to completely cancel because I came down w/ the worst cold last night. I had a dinner tonight, a party tomorrow, with dancing later on. So it just really sucks to miss all of that.
It's also almost Valentine's Day, which also sucks. I went out w/ a guy friend a couple of times, and sorta hoped I would see him this weekend (and perhaps he'd ask me to dinner for Vday?) But due to being sick, I won't run into him. So I'll def not have Vday plans. :(
I tried to talk to my mom on the phone last night, because I felt extremely sad about the divorce going through. She said it's too hard for her to hear anyone's feelings, so she couldn't listen -- a problem she's always had.
She says she wants to listen, but she can't. So she tries (and insists I tell her, because she WANTS to help), but then changes the subject or makes light of it. Then we always end up talking about how she has a hard time listening to feelings, and we talk about her feelings about that.
It's really frustrating, because she's the only person I really feel comfortable talking to, yet, I've recently realized she's not capable of talking (I didn't notice before, I just didn't really feel comfortable expressing myself to her: duh, because she was too afraid to listen!).
I don't talk to anyone else in my family, because my dad and sister are really emotionally abusive, so I just don't bother.
But it's left me not having a lot of support, except aquaintances who don't really care. I can tell they don't want to hear about it.
The hardest part is that my ex used to love me, and now no one does. Except for my mom, but she can't listen or support me.
She came to town (I asked her to) when I was moving out of my ex's apartment, and she wasn't comfortable even admitting to what was going on. She was pretending she was just in town for a fun trip. If I stared crying, she often just ignored me, or acted surprised and changed the subject.
I'm now really mad about that. She admits it and apologizes, but she says she's always been that way, and wants to change, but isn't sure that she can.
I started crying in a restaurant once (it was empty except for us), and she took two phone calls while I was crying. Neither were urgent or important calls.
I don't treat people that way, and I always listen to people's feelings (including hers) so it just makes me really mad to realize she hasn't been there for me -- YET the whole time she insistes on how much "she cares" and how she'd do anything for me, and she "wants to help" and so on.
I also don't know whether to file my taxes w/ my ex. He said he wanted to (he'll save money and it'll look better for his greencard). It doesn't affect me either way. It might be stressful to file together, yet I did promise him some time ago that i would, and I do stick to my promises. I'm just avoiding even starting to do them though because 1) I hate taxes more than anything, 2) I'm stressed about contacting him to ask if we should file together.
It's sad to think of him dating. I know I'll eventually move on, but now I just wish I could stop time. I just don't want anything to happen or change. I wish I could go back to that gorgeous apartment with the chandelier, and to knowing there was always someone at home who loved me when I was out with friends. I miss the stability of expecting to spend the rest of my life with someone. We had a lot of plans that just will never happen now.
We were going to get 2 white fluffy dogs, and start having kids in a year. We'd picked out a name. We planned on travelling to Europe and we'd selected the first countries to go to. We were looking at buying places.
Now i just don't know if any of those dreams will happen, ever. I'm broke. I can't afford to travel, and with the panic attacks I couldn't right now, even if I had money.
I'm sure I'll feel better about it in time.