Today is Monday Nov 12th and my first thought was Jon and a year ago preparing for his memorial service. Trying to refocus on today and the present. So many thoughts and feelings, the pain is so deep, at times suffocating. There are things I should have done but didn't, need to learn how to go forward and live in this new reality that I did not choose. I am surprised how easy it has been to make work secondary, maybe deep inside I know I need to work through this to put myself back together, not to be the same, it is all so different, but able to live. Someone recently asked what I am most afraid of, I didn't even have to think, it is the fear of losing my other son. Learning to cope with the fears which I now know can become reality in a split second. Word today to express my feelings...Torture.