Hey To Who Ever Cares,Well its been awhile since i posted a real journal entry and thats probably because i'm not someone who really wants to talk about things going on and my life because there are far more important people out there who need you to read their journals. But i thought i'd give it ago and see what happened.Well firstly i'd like to apologise to everyone for the lack of communication from me...i've been busy and when i havent been busy i've just been low well i've been low whilst busy but you know what i mean. I want to make a personal apologie to DENNIS (WARMHEART) for the other day and he knows what i'm talking about.I'm ill atm WOHOO!! lucky me, I'll be fine thought...i really wanted to make a video journal but my computer does not support the loading progamme on DS so thats not an opition. Well alots been going on with me mostly bad and i'm not going to go into to much detail on that if at all any...One thing that people might seem as a gud thing is that i'm in the my schools christmas concert...i will be playing silent night,another christmas song and another one and finally i'm gonna be singing with some of my friends on a stage infront of an audience of over 600 so yea that might not happen...i'm already shitting myself thinking about it. So i might not be on alot because the practises for the concert plus all my bookings for my music coursework, i'll just be exsuasted and have no time on my hands really. On another good note my nephew is turning 3 on December 2nd so cant wait for that i'm trying to get some money to buy him his birthday present and both him and his brother (my other nephew) their xmas presents. Yep christmas i creeping forward, upsetting me abit, its just coming too fast and this will be my worst xmas ever so i'd just rather it didnt turn up but shamefully i cant stop time. Be great to though.Its my grandma's 2 year aniversary of her death on 24th November so thats not gonna be the best day for me but i gotta push past it...i might be at my nephews that day so that will help alittle. I'm thinking of singing her a song but i'm not all to sure what to sing and well it just sounds stupid when you think about it.My sleep hasnt been gud at all well it never really is...still waking up 3 or more time in the night the other 2nights i woke up 11 times and 14 times in the night but its nothing really still surviving. Umm i've been thinking so much about something and well i did want to ask a question to alot of people but 1) i dont think i can 2) i dont think its right to ask and 3) I dont want it to seem like i want sympathy because i dont. So i think i'm going to think about it abit more...i think personally i should just get over it and just put it in a locker in my head somewhere.You see the thing about me is i describe my head as loads of lockers long long rows of them and every memory has its place everything i've learnt has its place but when people found out about things about my life and my self-harming and things before that...my lockers just flung open and everything was out in the walkway everything not in place everything mixed up...and as i talked to people the little amount i did it all just got worse and it all started to tangle up and well i wasnt able to untangle them and put them back in their lockers but finally i have been able to and almost everything is back where it belongs and thats how i explain it. I dont know if anyone understands that or you think i'm crazy but honestly i dont care because i do understand it and well i think everyone has some craziness in them some just never reveal it others do, others craziness evolves and just becomes scary and uncontrolable.Well this post has gone on like too long so i better rap it up now...I wont be poting my weekly poem today or even this week because one i dont think many people are reading them and therefore their not doing what i wanted them to do and that was to let people know that their not alone and that there are people out there to help you and who understand you. so yea i might stop that all together i dont know.Well i wish everyone a lovely rest of the week and a great weekend...take care EVERYONE...Luvya ALL Becka xoxox
Replies
I really like the locker idea, it makes a lot of sense to me. Sorry everything is so hard for you right now, I hope it gets better!
Take care of yourself,
Izzy
xoxoxo
Its fine...i\'m fine :) thanks huni...thanks for just reading my journal, means alot to me :)...take care of yourself xoxox
You are definitely not crazy, but in a way we all are in some way or another I think...I think your Grandma would love for you to sing her a song! You should DO IT!!! I totally understand the locker idea. I think that is an awesome analogy! I hope things get all put away soon. I wish you nothing but happiness and peace sweetie. You deserve it! Big hugs and love, Robin
Thanks hun :)...but i\'m stuck atm because i\'ve been told that putting everything back in its locker isnt going to help and its just gonna make things worse because when i put things back in their lockers it means i dont talk about them...but before i did say anything it was all great with them being lockered away no-one got hurt and everything was fine...then the bursted open and so much mess and destruction to other peoples lives was caused...i know in the long run its going to destroy me inside out but i\'m fine with that :)...i kinda suppose thats what i want it to do because one way i\'m going to destroy myself...i\'ve already started long ago but it isnt enough...i dont really want to go much more into that because well i dont want to upset people. And my Grandma well my grandma didnt even love me...i think maybe she did just a speck of dust thats how much she loved me. People tell me your mum loves you your dad loves you but the people who tell me this havent normally meet my parents or friends or any of my family and yet they say this...they dont see my family and they never will and until they really do thay cant really speak for them.
Well take care of yourself...with luv becka xoxox
god: there is so much to say here. i think my comments will be longer than your entry, which shows what a blowhard i am!! lol
1)your just as important as any person in this world. to me and others, way more important.
2) thanks for the kind word to me, but i knew you were not yourself after the second note. every single person in life gets angry and says things we regret. i am one of them also. i love you no matter what becka.
3)i\'m just so impressed with your music talents. your going to be just great! i will pray for you everyday from this moment on. if you do good or bad, if makes no difference....we are still in your corner and love you so much.
4) the locker issue i completely understand. your exactly right about everyone having there own way of handling things or craziness. your idea is a survival technique that works fine now. the better way, is to get all of the lockers opened and whats called \"integrated\" together, so they loose there power to hurt you, but whatever works now is great hun.
5)please dont stop posting your work. dont take away your beauty to all of us, because on this site there are so, so many that have no clue how to be a friend. so many that do nothing but take, and have not learned that giving to others is therapy also. you have learned that lesson well becka. i\'m proud and happy your my friend. many people read work and dont take time to comment. they say they cant think of anything to say. thats so ridiculous. just say, \"thanks , i care\", is even enough.
6) i\'ll close with my best, truest thing. singing a song to your grandma is as good as it gets. there is nothing you could buy or give me that would be better than that. i still view your beautiful song always. well, thats it...i think my comment is way too long as it is, but you touched on so much.
all my love and adoration becka. note to come.
denn