Update
Well, not sure where to start. It's been more than 3 weeks since I last,,,journaled? wow flashback as I was typing that, wanted to say been to confession, lol Catholic school upbringing :)
Anyway, lotta things been going on, and keeping me away. First Ds problems were making me nuts, no alerts etc. chat not working etc. I would get on sometimes and read posts on the boards, and end up just being triggered by them and not having the energy to respond. Then my computer died, idk what happened, but hard drive jacked up, missing drivers, wont do a restore, can find drivers I need online apparently, ugh and frankly ran out of patience to dink with it anymore, son working on it now, and I took over older computer that he had fixed recently:)
Been a lot of crazy ups and downs last few weeks, and I guess it's to be expected, I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting.
Today is H's birthday, 41. Kinda stressing about it. Worried, I guess, that tow may try to contact him. Part of his fog leading up to the a and surrounding it was him not Wanting to be 40, wanting to still be 15, ugh. Also in an earlier journal I talked about lasagna, lol and it being a trigger, because I realized the last time I had made it was on sons bday (it's a fam fav often req for bday dinners and always for h's) sons bday was also the 1 yr mark of moms death, and when I found out about tow I found emails between them on that day! I havent made lasagna since then, or since dday, but am making it today for h bday dinner, probably more for the kids than anything, is tradition and son already asked last night if I was making lasagna tonight. So,,,sucking it up.
Two weeks ago I threw all of his clothes out on the front lawn, sigh, fat lotta good that did me, the next day I just had to rewash all the clean clothes I had thrown in the mud.
Last week while kids were on spring break it rained all day and night for 6 straight days. Did not help my just general "down" feeling.
And for the record they prob messed up my computer downloading crap lol ugh.
On some good notes, we got oldest d all moved into her new place, she about 2-2/12 hours from us now, could be better, could be worse. she's happy in her new job, I think. she will be up tonight for H's bday dinner, she has day off, so that is good :)
Got son's graduation announcements, sigh, can't believe that either. Although he will probably be home another couple years, start at local 2 yr school, its so much cheaper, and is good quality, but still they will all be gone soon, youngest d will graduate next year.....
Last night youngest d had first softball games of the season, also in previous journal I talked about what a big deal fastpitch softball was in her and our life, and how the wheels fell off in her life for a while, but she is back on the train now :) Anyway our girls won both games, first one in extra inning, 14-13, second game in 3 innings run rule 18-0 :) woohoo I hope is a good season :) Then she texted me first thing from school to tell me her painting is on front page of local paper because being auctioned off for school art show/fundraiser on Friday :) So of course I had to go buy a bunch of papers :) lol
ok will leave it there for now, trying to not dwell in the negative,,,harder some days than others.
Going to go bake a chocolate bday cake :)
Anyway, lotta things been going on, and keeping me away. First Ds problems were making me nuts, no alerts etc. chat not working etc. I would get on sometimes and read posts on the boards, and end up just being triggered by them and not having the energy to respond. Then my computer died, idk what happened, but hard drive jacked up, missing drivers, wont do a restore, can find drivers I need online apparently, ugh and frankly ran out of patience to dink with it anymore, son working on it now, and I took over older computer that he had fixed recently:)
Been a lot of crazy ups and downs last few weeks, and I guess it's to be expected, I'm just tired of it. It's exhausting.
Today is H's birthday, 41. Kinda stressing about it. Worried, I guess, that tow may try to contact him. Part of his fog leading up to the a and surrounding it was him not Wanting to be 40, wanting to still be 15, ugh. Also in an earlier journal I talked about lasagna, lol and it being a trigger, because I realized the last time I had made it was on sons bday (it's a fam fav often req for bday dinners and always for h's) sons bday was also the 1 yr mark of moms death, and when I found out about tow I found emails between them on that day! I havent made lasagna since then, or since dday, but am making it today for h bday dinner, probably more for the kids than anything, is tradition and son already asked last night if I was making lasagna tonight. So,,,sucking it up.
Two weeks ago I threw all of his clothes out on the front lawn, sigh, fat lotta good that did me, the next day I just had to rewash all the clean clothes I had thrown in the mud.
Last week while kids were on spring break it rained all day and night for 6 straight days. Did not help my just general "down" feeling.
And for the record they prob messed up my computer downloading crap lol ugh.
On some good notes, we got oldest d all moved into her new place, she about 2-2/12 hours from us now, could be better, could be worse. she's happy in her new job, I think. she will be up tonight for H's bday dinner, she has day off, so that is good :)
Got son's graduation announcements, sigh, can't believe that either. Although he will probably be home another couple years, start at local 2 yr school, its so much cheaper, and is good quality, but still they will all be gone soon, youngest d will graduate next year.....
Last night youngest d had first softball games of the season, also in previous journal I talked about what a big deal fastpitch softball was in her and our life, and how the wheels fell off in her life for a while, but she is back on the train now :) Anyway our girls won both games, first one in extra inning, 14-13, second game in 3 innings run rule 18-0 :) woohoo I hope is a good season :) Then she texted me first thing from school to tell me her painting is on front page of local paper because being auctioned off for school art show/fundraiser on Friday :) So of course I had to go buy a bunch of papers :) lol
ok will leave it there for now, trying to not dwell in the negative,,,harder some days than others.
Going to go bake a chocolate bday cake :)
Replies
Maybe if you can get your mind to wrap around these events triggering memories as redeeming them by making new memories. Like the lasagna, redeeming the lasagna from the prison of triggers. Not let that food\'s last memories by of the A stuff any longer. Perhaps if you look at it that way, as building new memories with it that are not associated with the A, you are weakening a trigger and redeeming it.
But, yeah, stress can get to us. Hope you are able to deal effectively with it.
So you DID choose chocolate. ;) I hope today turns out okay for you. Start reclaiming that lasagna, kiddo! Um, why did YOU have to wash all his clothes? Are things changed at all since the clothes-on-the-lawn incident? Sometimes I know I feel like I have to do something drastic to get H\'s attention. Things I never would have done before. Take care of yourself -- remember some of those tips from the first few weeks: exercise, eat well, do something nice for yourself. Hope you feel better soon!
Hope the birthday cake turned out well. Come back and keep journaling more, we missed you!!
Hope things continue to go well. And love the new profile pic!
Hope the day went well. Our youngest is about to graduate and will be off to college. Only an hr away so it could be worse. As you know daughter is getting married in a month and then they are moving 11 hrs away. ugh!
I felt like a teenager when I was in the fog too. I felt young and silly and flirty and crazy. I was in the middle of my final A at this time last year. Triggery for both of us.
Glad you are back.
Yeah, I missed ya too! Glad you chose the chocolate cake, of course! Maybe you needed some of that too, with the endorphins it\'s supposed to release, and now they say choc. is good for you! Go figure!
Yup, I do think there\'s gotta be a way to reclaim your \"lasagna making\", since it is pretty much tied into your family traditions. But I do get how that other stuff \"snuck\" in, and tried to take over. Hopefully w/ a few more lasagna good memories it\'ll wash away the old.
Clothes on the lawn? I guess I missed that one, lol! But yeppers, I have done some drastic stuff too, and that includes kicking him out \"on the lawn\". So, don\'t feel too bad!
And, true dat, as L would say, keep up with taking care of yourself, cuz due to the mindtrap, sometimes we forget all about ourselves as our minds, fears, memories, etc, get the best of us.
Love ya lots, girl,you know that!