crap
Ok so I'm still a mess. Go figure.
I know logically everyone's advice is spot on. Emotionally I don't feel ready to give up my secret stash. I hate that.
I hate that I seem to be stuck in this funk. I hate that my journals of late are full of poison.
There have been good times mixed in with the bad. I would do well to remind myself, and to put the good down on "paper" as it were as well as the bad.
Monday was my bday. It was a good day. H decided to take a vacation day and spend the day with me. We laid in bed all day watching movies and being frisky. It was nice. that evening we went to mc, yes on my bday, but counselor left next day for 3 week vacation. While we were at mc, my 2 youngest cooked dinner. Tacos, burritos, rice, and german chocolate cupcakes and ice cream. Yum. It was a very nice relaxing no pressure kind of day.
Leading up to bday was not so good.
I was blah on Saturday, H was wanting to go out for my bday. I was already not looking forward to my bday, for several reasons. I finally blew up at him that it wasnt my bday yet and to stop rushing it! Then we had teenage daughter drama and kid was pissed off, h was pissed off and the fighting started. I got mad went to the living room , couldn't sleep. Thought about coming on here, but didnt have energy, did write my feelings down in notebook.
H read what I wrote next morning, I spent whole night in recliner, slept maybe 2-3 hours. He apologized. Sunday was a better day. We went to Wichita to do some shopping for ball equipment, then went to lunch. I mean wasn't a woohoo lets party kind of day, but I felt like we had worked some stuff out.
Then Sunday night we were watching a movie, laying in bed. We were both tired. But as soon as movie was over, H pulled covers up and went to sleep. No kiss gnight, no I love you, no spooning or playing with my hair like normal, Just out. Well that pissed me off and hurt my feelings all over again. So while he snored I got up and went to living room again. Grrr, wrote another couple pages in my notebook.
The next morn, Monday my bday, and that turned out well.
But I'm still feeling like one of those cartoon characters that has the dark gloomy storm cloud following them around.
Then yesterday I had to reread all that crap.
Things jumped out at me that I either missed in the overload of information in the beginning, or just forgot about.
Like he called her doll several times. He calls me doll.
Like she was talking about spending the rest of their lives together and he referred to her as his next wife, and added our last name onto hers!
Like he told her he was going to shower her in romance and treat her like a princess.
yeah that's nice, while I felt like I was being treated as a nothing.
Like he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with her and take care of her.
While he was failing miserably at taking care of me.
Like how he told her he wanted to run his fingers through her hair and look deeply into her eyes.
Like how he missed her so much
Oh and how horny and turned on she made him.
ugh
I just want to cry and cry and cry.
He is doing so many good things now. But I am still scared of where this will go and if I will be able to get past this like I want.
We haven't discussed any of this yet. He knew I was upset when he came home, and asked several times, but I told him I needed some time, I wasn't ready to talk cuz I would blow up. Plus he n son had ordered some car parts that had come in, so they were supposed to spend evening working on the mustang and I didnt want him skipping that or being bummed or irritable while doing that. idk if we will even get to it tonight, cuz we have a dinner obligation,ugh
just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I know logically everyone's advice is spot on. Emotionally I don't feel ready to give up my secret stash. I hate that.
I hate that I seem to be stuck in this funk. I hate that my journals of late are full of poison.
There have been good times mixed in with the bad. I would do well to remind myself, and to put the good down on "paper" as it were as well as the bad.
Monday was my bday. It was a good day. H decided to take a vacation day and spend the day with me. We laid in bed all day watching movies and being frisky. It was nice. that evening we went to mc, yes on my bday, but counselor left next day for 3 week vacation. While we were at mc, my 2 youngest cooked dinner. Tacos, burritos, rice, and german chocolate cupcakes and ice cream. Yum. It was a very nice relaxing no pressure kind of day.
Leading up to bday was not so good.
I was blah on Saturday, H was wanting to go out for my bday. I was already not looking forward to my bday, for several reasons. I finally blew up at him that it wasnt my bday yet and to stop rushing it! Then we had teenage daughter drama and kid was pissed off, h was pissed off and the fighting started. I got mad went to the living room , couldn't sleep. Thought about coming on here, but didnt have energy, did write my feelings down in notebook.
H read what I wrote next morning, I spent whole night in recliner, slept maybe 2-3 hours. He apologized. Sunday was a better day. We went to Wichita to do some shopping for ball equipment, then went to lunch. I mean wasn't a woohoo lets party kind of day, but I felt like we had worked some stuff out.
Then Sunday night we were watching a movie, laying in bed. We were both tired. But as soon as movie was over, H pulled covers up and went to sleep. No kiss gnight, no I love you, no spooning or playing with my hair like normal, Just out. Well that pissed me off and hurt my feelings all over again. So while he snored I got up and went to living room again. Grrr, wrote another couple pages in my notebook.
The next morn, Monday my bday, and that turned out well.
But I'm still feeling like one of those cartoon characters that has the dark gloomy storm cloud following them around.
Then yesterday I had to reread all that crap.
Things jumped out at me that I either missed in the overload of information in the beginning, or just forgot about.
Like he called her doll several times. He calls me doll.
Like she was talking about spending the rest of their lives together and he referred to her as his next wife, and added our last name onto hers!
Like he told her he was going to shower her in romance and treat her like a princess.
yeah that's nice, while I felt like I was being treated as a nothing.
Like he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with her and take care of her.
While he was failing miserably at taking care of me.
Like how he told her he wanted to run his fingers through her hair and look deeply into her eyes.
Like how he missed her so much
Oh and how horny and turned on she made him.
ugh
I just want to cry and cry and cry.
He is doing so many good things now. But I am still scared of where this will go and if I will be able to get past this like I want.
We haven't discussed any of this yet. He knew I was upset when he came home, and asked several times, but I told him I needed some time, I wasn't ready to talk cuz I would blow up. Plus he n son had ordered some car parts that had come in, so they were supposed to spend evening working on the mustang and I didnt want him skipping that or being bummed or irritable while doing that. idk if we will even get to it tonight, cuz we have a dinner obligation,ugh
just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Replies
I\'m sorry this \"cloud\" seems to be following you, but then again, you are now taking a closer look, with your heart, as well. Before, I think it was just \"too much\", like sensory overload, so you may have glossed over some of it, too. And/or your brain and heart knew you better at the time, than you did, and just kind of processed it in a \"blurry\" way, without all the detail, or all the depth. But, yeah, it hurts like hell, and does make you realize how that dang fog really encompasses our a-hole husbands, at the time. Mine had some similar \"love letter\" comments, and emails too.
And, at one point, I think that both of our H\'s were really believing it, as they fantasized a future together. It\'s crazy, it\'s not understandable to us, it kicks ya in the teeth, and then some more in the stomach, when you\'re down. It is unbelievable to think how these \"morons in the fog\" thought.
But, I do think it has passed, and they chose us. So now here\'s the real hard part, are we sure we chose them now, after their crap. Yeah, easy for them to choose us, the strong woman, who did nothing wrong, and who \"stands by her Man\", all very respectable, so why wouldn\'t they choose us? lol
But now, comes the time, where you are kinda inthe \"safety zone\" or \"safety net\", and you are thinking, hey, wait a aminutes, I\'m getting out of this net, to investigate further, I deserve to know whatever I can find out. And then mixed in with his lies, and round and we go.....where we\'ll stop nobody knows....except I\'ve been on that merry-go round, which aint so merry, and does cause ya to puke after a while....
So I think this is our way, of wanting to get every last morsel of figuring htis out, etc. ....and that actually we may know we are at a healthier, safer place, or we wouldn\'t even be going there, and investigating, reareading. You\'ll be okay, girl, I know you will! Sending you hugs and support! Love ya girl!
Hey, hon, just stopping in here in between tackling my bathrooms and laundry...
There are two schools of thought here. There are probably more but I\'ve been inhaling Lysol fumes...
A. Like Blonde said, your brain did the initial \"blurry\" processing and is now picking up and looking at the pieces in more detail.
B. You are actually a rain Goddess and the clouds actually want to be near You, to love You, to cherish You and to water You.*
But, seeing how you haven\'t had clouds follow you all your life, chances are that A. seems to be the more likely explanation. In fact, our MC told me that this new cropping of emotions, investigating, and rehashing of stuff is actually a sign of HEALING. Yeah, I raised my eyebrows at her. But it makes sense and Blonde nailed it. Your brain can only take in so much stressful information, so now it\'s tackling the details.
I hope this helps you feel better at least in the sense that you know you\'re making progress in spite of what you\'re feeling. Love ya!
*This is my nod to Douglas Adams, for those of you who like the Hitchhiker Guide series.
I have read in many places that once the initial shock wears off the REAL anger sets in (look at SI, lots mention this).
And I also experienced it. At about 8-9 months out I got angry all over again and it was CRAZY angry. I have often described it this way:
We go from \"how could you do this to me\" to \"HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME JUST WHO THE F DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU LOSER DIRTBAG?\"
It\'s something like that. Your brain finally processes the shock of yes this happened and the full brunt really hits.
As for your \"mementos\", throw them away or box them away when you are ready BUT do not look at them all the time. DO NOT obsess and start looking beyond the words for deeper meaning. It\'s not there. Its all just fantasy.
Hugs. Remember when I mentioned in my status that I cried at MC? It was after a bout of \"Oh, I\'m just not able to show you affection the way you want,\" and \"that\'s not me, but I do feel it on the inside.\" I flew into a tirade (really a crying fit) of all the things he told HER in the emails and texts, about her sexy neck, sexy underwear, the smell of her on his clothes. \"Those were just words.\" He and the counselor decided that he could say those things to her because there was no emotional investment there and thus no risk. But (apparently) because of some of his childhood stuff, he\'s scared of losing me and thus won\'t take the risk to open up to me. Hmmm. I don\'t think I\'m buying it. BUT I think he finally understood the depth of my insecurities because of his doing. I hate those letters and a hate this stupid A.
I loved hearing about your birthday. Sounded like a great day! Remember that you\'ve gotten through this pain before. Hang in there, sweetie!