Ok, first thanks to everyone who commented on yesterdays obnoxiously long journal. That's what happens when I don't journal regularly like I should, sort of a journal vomit. lol
Everyone has good advice and is supportive and helpful and I can't really express how that feels , especially since I have shared with noone here, besides mc, what is going on with us.
So, update:
We went to mc last night, I think it went well. I confessed my thoughts of tows house being swept off to oz, and mc confirmed exactly what ya'll said, it's normal, I recognized it for what it was, and out of character for me, I was remorseful, I said it out loud to H, not only sharing instead of blocking, but also taking power away from it. So, you guys rock. :)
So mc brought up sex before I even got around to it. He said ' so in your first visit you said there was a lot of sex , hysterical bonding, I think you said you were jumping his bones" he kinda chuckled,,, ok yeah I mighta said that :) Then he continues, " So, I'm wondering where you are now that some time has gone by?"
H and I both shake our heads at same time, lol. I say "Yeah not so much."
MC says, "Well is normal , you were on a peak, top of the mountain, and now you have to go through the valley, plus you need more rest."
I responded with " Well I dont like it. I dont know how much is side effect of medication, how much is settling into the new normal. But leading up to the A the sex became sporadic, then from july to november it stopped completely, which was completely out of character for us, and I don't want to drift back there. "
I went on to explain what I journaled here yesterday about how H said 'It's ok honey we can go to sleep" and the circular emotions I experienced with that. And how While yes I wasn't jumping his bones , I still wanted sex, just going to take little more effort, warm up time lol. And how yes, I was tired and part of me was relieved to go to sleep, with all the other emotions in there,, I would wake up in morning mad and irritable with myself and with him because we hadn't had sex the night before. And, how my goal every day would be to have sex that night, by the time 9-10 oclock rolled around I was wiped out.
How I told H yesterday that we were going to have sex last night whether he wanted to or not, and I was only half joking. lol
Mc said "Ok" and handed us each a post it note and pen and said "each of you write down a number between 1-7 on an average week things are good and normal, how many times you would like to have sex"
We both kinda hesitated and mc started to chuckle,and said " I don't know why I said 7, it could be 14 or 21 I guess I was being old" H and I both laugh and say yeah first month after dday was definately 21 weekers lol.
So anyway we both wrote our numbers down and he tol us to show them to each other. And funny, we both wrote down 5. that's great, we are on same page.
Then mc suggested tossing a coin. Take the pressure off of will we won't we. He said " Call it heads we have sex, tails we don't,,,,,,,or I guess depending on your outlook you could say the opposite, tails we have sex heads we don't" and then chuckled some more. then he said " I guess if you really in the mood and want the odds in your favor you'd have to find a double headed coin" lol some more
Our Mc really is kinda a funny guy, mid 60s I'd guess lol
Sooooo, I got me a little somethin somethin last night, and we didn't flip a coin, I'd already told H come hell or high water, lol ya know. And anyway I woke up in a muchhhh better mood :)
we also addressed more of H's childhood last night, which was good, and some relaxation and visualization techniques. And most especially visualizing that inner child and taking care of and healing her/him. In doing that we were able to see some differences in how we dealt with and how our childhoods affected us.
H made the comment that he has always said goodnight to that little boy inside , mc said that he could see that in some of the ways he retold parts of his story, how he at an early age realized his parents weren't going to take care of him. so he took care of himself, when he was15 he was basically on his own, would go home once in while, but would go stretches of weeks where his parents didnt see him, staying with friends etc., until he found a good woman to take care of him. me :)
H said "It's like baseball, you'll never take that from me. When I'm on the field it's like I am that boy. With like sissy (our youngest the softball player) I will share it with her, but when she started getting pissy and fighting about practice and arguing, I will not let her take it from me, Baseball is me and it's mine and I will share, but you can't have it"
H then asked me, "Really you've never talked to that little girl?" I'm like no, not so much.
We discussed how my experiences were different, how instead of holding onto part of that little girl, I locked her away, because me being the oldest I became everyone's mother but my own. I took care of all my siblings, best I knew how. I felt unloved and therefore thought I had to 'earn it' and so my whole life I have been taking care of every one but me, in trying to gain love and self worth. I am the one who ran the second restaurant when my uncle became ill, and the one who turned it around and stopped the funneling of money out the back door. I am the one that moved my family across country to take care of my dying mother. I am the one that my siblings call when they have a problem or when they fighting with each other. I am the one my dad still calls when he needs help at the restaurant. I am the one still after 21 years trying to get H to make peace with his mom.
I am the one always taking care of everyone. Except me. I never really learned how to take care of me.. I learned how to keep going, I learned how to stuff crap away. I guess I learned how to survive as mc said, but now I am going to learn how to thrive.
So, good night at mc.
We go back again on Monday (did I mention thats my bday and I am not looking forward to it), which is soon, but mc leaving for vacation in Australia, Tuesday for 3 weeks, ugh. Then we had a discussion about the movie "What About Bob?"
lol
I promissed I wouldn't show up at his vacation :) lol
Everyone has good advice and is supportive and helpful and I can't really express how that feels , especially since I have shared with noone here, besides mc, what is going on with us.
So, update:
We went to mc last night, I think it went well. I confessed my thoughts of tows house being swept off to oz, and mc confirmed exactly what ya'll said, it's normal, I recognized it for what it was, and out of character for me, I was remorseful, I said it out loud to H, not only sharing instead of blocking, but also taking power away from it. So, you guys rock. :)
So mc brought up sex before I even got around to it. He said ' so in your first visit you said there was a lot of sex , hysterical bonding, I think you said you were jumping his bones" he kinda chuckled,,, ok yeah I mighta said that :) Then he continues, " So, I'm wondering where you are now that some time has gone by?"
H and I both shake our heads at same time, lol. I say "Yeah not so much."
MC says, "Well is normal , you were on a peak, top of the mountain, and now you have to go through the valley, plus you need more rest."
I responded with " Well I dont like it. I dont know how much is side effect of medication, how much is settling into the new normal. But leading up to the A the sex became sporadic, then from july to november it stopped completely, which was completely out of character for us, and I don't want to drift back there. "
I went on to explain what I journaled here yesterday about how H said 'It's ok honey we can go to sleep" and the circular emotions I experienced with that. And how While yes I wasn't jumping his bones , I still wanted sex, just going to take little more effort, warm up time lol. And how yes, I was tired and part of me was relieved to go to sleep, with all the other emotions in there,, I would wake up in morning mad and irritable with myself and with him because we hadn't had sex the night before. And, how my goal every day would be to have sex that night, by the time 9-10 oclock rolled around I was wiped out.
How I told H yesterday that we were going to have sex last night whether he wanted to or not, and I was only half joking. lol
Mc said "Ok" and handed us each a post it note and pen and said "each of you write down a number between 1-7 on an average week things are good and normal, how many times you would like to have sex"
We both kinda hesitated and mc started to chuckle,and said " I don't know why I said 7, it could be 14 or 21 I guess I was being old" H and I both laugh and say yeah first month after dday was definately 21 weekers lol.
So anyway we both wrote our numbers down and he tol us to show them to each other. And funny, we both wrote down 5. that's great, we are on same page.
Then mc suggested tossing a coin. Take the pressure off of will we won't we. He said " Call it heads we have sex, tails we don't,,,,,,,or I guess depending on your outlook you could say the opposite, tails we have sex heads we don't" and then chuckled some more. then he said " I guess if you really in the mood and want the odds in your favor you'd have to find a double headed coin" lol some more
Our Mc really is kinda a funny guy, mid 60s I'd guess lol
Sooooo, I got me a little somethin somethin last night, and we didn't flip a coin, I'd already told H come hell or high water, lol ya know. And anyway I woke up in a muchhhh better mood :)
we also addressed more of H's childhood last night, which was good, and some relaxation and visualization techniques. And most especially visualizing that inner child and taking care of and healing her/him. In doing that we were able to see some differences in how we dealt with and how our childhoods affected us.
H made the comment that he has always said goodnight to that little boy inside , mc said that he could see that in some of the ways he retold parts of his story, how he at an early age realized his parents weren't going to take care of him. so he took care of himself, when he was15 he was basically on his own, would go home once in while, but would go stretches of weeks where his parents didnt see him, staying with friends etc., until he found a good woman to take care of him. me :)
H said "It's like baseball, you'll never take that from me. When I'm on the field it's like I am that boy. With like sissy (our youngest the softball player) I will share it with her, but when she started getting pissy and fighting about practice and arguing, I will not let her take it from me, Baseball is me and it's mine and I will share, but you can't have it"
H then asked me, "Really you've never talked to that little girl?" I'm like no, not so much.
We discussed how my experiences were different, how instead of holding onto part of that little girl, I locked her away, because me being the oldest I became everyone's mother but my own. I took care of all my siblings, best I knew how. I felt unloved and therefore thought I had to 'earn it' and so my whole life I have been taking care of every one but me, in trying to gain love and self worth. I am the one who ran the second restaurant when my uncle became ill, and the one who turned it around and stopped the funneling of money out the back door. I am the one that moved my family across country to take care of my dying mother. I am the one that my siblings call when they have a problem or when they fighting with each other. I am the one my dad still calls when he needs help at the restaurant. I am the one still after 21 years trying to get H to make peace with his mom.
I am the one always taking care of everyone. Except me. I never really learned how to take care of me.. I learned how to keep going, I learned how to stuff crap away. I guess I learned how to survive as mc said, but now I am going to learn how to thrive.
So, good night at mc.
We go back again on Monday (did I mention thats my bday and I am not looking forward to it), which is soon, but mc leaving for vacation in Australia, Tuesday for 3 weeks, ugh. Then we had a discussion about the movie "What About Bob?"
lol
I promissed I wouldn't show up at his vacation :) lol
Replies
Sounds like a productive evening. :)
Well, Kansas, I can surely relate to the childhood thing. It seems that we grew up quite early, and were shouldering a lot of responsibilities, way before our ages. And I, too have \"stepped up\" to the plate, and been hitting family home runs. It seems that we know we are the next batter, and we know we have to bring runners home. I think that we just took on that role, for some reason, maybe we just designated ourselves as the \"next hitter\" more often than we should have. And, after you get into that pattern, due to your own expectations, everyone else expects you to continue doing so.
So, the expectations start out, self-imposed, and then they become family-imposed, cuz we never thought twice, and just thought responsibly. And while we are caretaking everyone and everything else, we are missing ourselves. It\'s just too much, too overwhelming, so ya do what ya have to do, and there\'s no time, energy, or self-love left. Ya used it all up on everyone else.
So, I just love, where your therapist, asked you about your inner child. It\'s never too late to meet her, to embrace her, to cry for her. It\'s not like spillt milk, and it \'s a done deal. You can always go back to that place, and pick a few different pictures (if you can find them), and just stare at them, when you were young, like 11, and even younger. And allow yourself to grieve the loss of your childhood, and the loss of your being able to do stuff that a lot of kids did, but you were too busy \"caretaking\". I was also the peacemaker, and still play that out, pretty well. But there comes a time, w hen you have over-indulged in the \"caretaking department\", and I\'m guessing you have, and you have to go back, and backtrack that inner little girl, and embrace her, and hug her, and love her, because she got lost in the mix, with all the other dysfunctional family stuff. Sometimes I wonder how we got where we got, considering the background. But, yes you are a survivor, but also a little human being, who needs all that stuff, I mentioned above. I think the tears would be cathartic, because it recognizes what you lost, missed, skipped over, and never got. Almost as if you were invisible, due to other\'s issues being more important than yours. And they really weren\'t more important. A few adults, did let you down, cuz you needed that love and attention too. I think also that we need to grieve that loss as well. Grieving the loss of not receiving all we needed, not so much cuz it was a deliberate act against us, but because that\'s all they knew at the time. Maybe they did their best, but some of that best, emphasized them, and you were forgotten. That\'s the grieving, I\'m talking about. And you can even envision yourself, as being your mother, now, and allow your adult self (mother), to nurture your young inner child. Seems weird, but the visualization can be done, and even your adult self being the \"mother\" of your own mother. That\'s when I came to peace and acceptance of my Mom, when I actually in real life at the age of 19, had to nurture her. And a lot of pain, frustration, and suppressed anger melted away with the tears.
So, love your Dude, and ask him if he could skype a 30 minute session??? Just thought I\'d ask for your little inner child, lol! And, when you start thinking more in those terms, and transcend some boundaries, of ages, and link the past to the present, you\'ll be amazed how much more you will be assertive, and refuse to let folks step over boundaries, inappropriately, whether they intended to or not, doesn\'t matter. But you will slowly start voicing your self and accepting yourself more in terms of your needs, wants, and it\'s okay to be a little selfish on occasion, as long as we recognize that, and don\'t turn it into entitlement, but just requesting what we think we need, to heal our inner, little child!
Hope that makes sense to you, it seemed to make sense when I typed it! lol
It does sound like a good night and I like your MC. A good one is so hard to find. Do you think you were looking at your H to finally be the one to take care of you and by having the A it was a double blow? I\'m also the oldest and have taken care of everyone in my family growing up and now with my family. Since my mother passed away prior marriage in retrospect I think I looked for H to finally be the one to take care of me and when he didn\'t (the A) it really rocked me because here the man I thought that was going to take care of me didn\'t and he too chose himself.
What I learned is that I am the only one that can take care of myself and that whatever anyone else does is just a bonus. Make sense??
@ cec
Yeah, makes sense, but also think the healing the inner child needs to be done first, and then you get to a more powerful position, to go from there and take care of yourself.
Thanks guys :)
Blonde part of the visualization we worked on was basically walking through a maze of halls finding the child sitting alone, going to her, her being happy to see me, and us walking out together hand in hand,, so was really good, and something I\'m going to keep practicing.
Cec, to answer your question, yes I do think you are somewhat accurate when you say part of my hurt and disappointment was because he didn\'t take care of me like I expected,,, also another faucet is that, he was the only man in my life who until that time had never betrayed me. It\'s a sad realization.
It\'s sad to see they are also human and do make mistakes. What a doozy of a mistake but for me to realize he can make mistakes and one\'s regarding us/me/our family was and still is a tough one to get over.
When you visualized did your MC have music playing or was he saying certain things? Any tips on how to visualize without having your mind wander? My IC wants me to practice mindfulness and I have to say most times my mind just keeps going in a bunch of different directions.
he spoke evenly slowly built the scene
has white noise machine in background always anyway
Imagining that I just felt my shoulders slump and a sense of relaxation set in. H\'mm maybe I can do it.
sounds like you had a great session and that the mc might be just what you needed to open up the lines of communication and get some insight into what might have been lying under the surface before the A.
Its good that you will have another session before he goes on his vacation down under. Hopefully you will get some good advice on how to handle things if they get dicey again during that time.
Hoping for the best for you. 5 times a week? Wow, I am jealous. :-)