I had a hard time trying to decide where I was going with my journal today. I feel like there is sooooo much I want to write down, like idk, 41 years worth :) Think I'll talk about betrayal. And shame. Betrayal that doesn't start with my h or the A. Starts much earlier than that. And shame that became our companion early in life.
My mother divorced my biological father before I was actually born. He wanted her to get an abortion (I was born 1970) she refused. As a young child I was given next to zero info about this man, never met him. When I asked why she divorced him she said "because he wanted to kill you". Now I was very young, like 4-5, I had no concept of abortion. She said he wanted to kill you,,,so my childhood mind movies were of this anonymous man kicking in the front door of my house with a shotgun in his hand. Betrayal by a father I never knew.
My mom married my 'dad' a month before I turned 2, and he legally adopted me when I was 5 and starting school. He was and still is Dad. I was a blonde haired greeneyed Ramirez now, lol. They were a mess. They married in Dec 71 , my dad had only been home a short time from vietnam, where he lost both of his legs at the age of 18. Was in hospital for like 10 months, out for few months when he n mom got together. He was a mess. They fought, constantly. Both were physically and emotionally abusive. They had 3 kids, I always knew I wasn't 'his' . I took the brunt of all punishments. Severe beatings. From both, but especially my dad. My mom told me she wished I had never been born. As the oldest I was responsible for my siblings a lot,, my parents were always gone at the restaurant my dad took over for his uncle when he was in poor health. When they did wrong, I was punished. Betrayal. And shame. I was accused of things that I didn't do, a lot. When I was 6 I got in trouble for lying,,at this point I don't remember if I actually did or not, but we were supposed to go to a bday party for son of parents friends. Instead of not going as punishment, we went to the park to the party, me all in my party dress. I had to sit at the picnic table the whole time, not able to participate,,with a sign around my neck that said "I am a liar". The stage was set.
Now there were good things, too, lots of family vacations, dance lessons, softball in the summer, and ginormous family. Easy to lose sight of good when talking about the bad.
When I was 5 the brother of a babysitter molested me. Betrayal and shame. Also when I was 5 my gma got remarried for 3rd time, outlived the first 2. I was very close to my gparents. They lived a couple country miles away and I spent a lot of time there. When I was about 9 my grandfaher started molesting me. Until I was 14. Betrayal all around. By him who claimed to love me, and by my parents who didn't protect me. And again, shame. I didn't tell, after all who would believe a 'liar'. More shame. When I was 18 I did tell, and was disappointed and betrayed again when everyone 'discussed it' but then nothing was done because they were elderly n gpa took care of gma. Betrayal and shame.
My parents divorced when I was 12. During the marriage there was infidelity on both sides. With my dad it was numerous times numerous women, with my mom, I think was one time, more of an actual A, although part of that time parents had actually split for a bit. One of the 'girls' my dad cheated with later became my stepmom. I say girls cuz she was 18 and he was 31. She worked at the restaurant for my parents and also was a babysitter at times. She is not quite 6 years older than me. They were married when I was 18. My mom also remarried when I was 18. The divorce was ugly ugly. My mom died last year with my dad still mad at her. over money. Stupid.
When I was 14 -15 I remember my dad saying things like there werent any 15 yr old virgins in our town. I was, but of course I was a 'liar' . Later I became very promiscuous. I got pregnant in hs, yup I was that statistic, pregnant head cheerleader. Noone knew till I was about 6 months. Boyfriend dumped me when I wouldn't have an abortion. Betrayal and shame again. My dad kicked me out, because at that time we lived with him cuz mom was in nursing school at day and working nights. Betrayal and shame again. I had my daughter when I was 17, right before sr year started. My sr year I turned 18 in january. Soon as I did, I moved out with my daughter into my own apartment. On April 6, Easter sunday/wee hours monday morning my apartment was broken into and I was raped by 2 guys. They threatened to kill my baby if I didn't shut up or told. Shame. Mom took me to hosp, police were called. I did not see the rapists, my head was covered, but one voice was familiar. They were arrested next day. The voice I recognized was a classmate, in fact in our sr yearbook is a pic of history class with him in the seat next to me. Betrayal. He was 18 tried as adult, pled guilty did 20 years. Other was 16 yr old kid I did not know,he was tried as juvenile and served time in juvi house then I lost track.
I dropped out of school then. April of my sr year. Shame. Back then you couldnt get ged till your class had graduated, so I had to wait till june, I didnt go to any of the ged classes, I just showed up on test day took all the tests in one night,, they were to be spread out over 3 nights, and aced them. Ended up getting an accademic scholoarship out of that, in addition to the dance scholarships, things were looking good there. But then I started partying more, I drank a lot in hs and college, and after the rape it escalated. I was promiscuous again, after abrief down time, but then I was out to prove that I could still do "it" my first partner was a really good friend, I guess what they now call fwb. Then Easter approached , anniversary of the rape, I realized I hadnt dealt at all, I had my first panic attacks, and then hallucinations. So at 19 I admitted myself to 30 day treatment for sexual assault victims, intense round the clock therapy. It helped, I was on parents ins, but also, part of sentencing for the rapists was they had to pay all medical and therapy bills resulting from rape. yeah that worked. parents refused to pay. I was 19, dumb, it went to court and was ruled i owed balance, so for 20 years it sat on my credit because i refused to pay it,, every few years they would take me to sourt, i would refuse to pay, or say i would but not, as long as i showed up in court they couldnt do anything, twice they garnished my h paycheck for it and twice had to refund it all back because while this is a community state, bill was incurred before I knew him.. shame every time I was in court. My mom and stepdad paid that bill about 3 years ago apologized said was their responsibility in first place, that was good, but it doesnt erase the 20 years of grief it gave me. Also they had refused to pay any of my schooling, so I had college debts. Mind you they have paid every penny for all of my siblings.....I was the unwanted one,,,,,,,,,,,,,shame. Betrayal.
In my dad's marriage to my stepmom he was unfaithful many times. To this day I am not sure what she is awar of. He used me and my middle sis sometimes to cover his tracks,, it was his same mo though, she was an employee at the restaurant, actually one of my classmates, we were 18-19 then. Stepmom and I never got along,, then my dad actually started lying to stepmom about me, so that if I ratted him out she wouldnt believe me,,because after all I am a 'liar'. Betrayal. Not long after that I move to missouri, ddint speak to my dad for 2 years.
My mom also remarried in 88, in 99 my stepdad had to come clean about an A he had been carrying on at work. He was the radiologist in town, she was one of the techs. Cost him his job. Mom decided to stay together, but they moved 10 hours away to frickin hobbs new mexico. hellhole, I hate it. Betrayal by stepdad.
My siblings have all been unfaithful in their relationships. My brother I know even had flings with married women, before he was married. He didnt marry until he was mid 30s thought maybe he had out of his system, but no, he has cheated on his wife,, I dont know all details, I know she knows some, and they were going to counseling, but idk much more, I think he's probably in the seriel cheater category. My middle sister has been divorced twice, cheating on both sides, man she with now, not legally married, but been together 6yrs or so, bought house together, she has cheated on him numerous times, one was somewhat of a lta, he knows some, but idk how much. My younger sister cheated on her h , full blown affair, trips taken together she could cover up cuz she was vp of bank, and he was one of corporate guys. she and her h actually divorced, he got gfriend,,but they moved quick,, then after the dust settled they came back together and were remarried to each other 2 years ago. Again I know some details but not all nitty grity, but I am surrounded by cheating. I was a wild girl, but I have been monogomous since the first time H kissed me.
But I always had that voice in my head, you are bad, everyone cheats, everyone will betray you. Shame.
H grew up in lot of same crap. His mother was marrried before had couple kids, divorced and he got custoday of those kids,, strange in the 60's and we still dont know all that story. She then married his father, divorced him when h was infant, remarried again inherited 4 stepkids all much older than h, and then had one of their own. H was the unwanted one in the bunch,, not stepdads kid, named after his father, is in fact a junior, had not much contact with father, saw him couple times as infant,, his name was taboo growing up,, then when he was about 7 his father was killed when his girlfriend (tow) ran over him with her car in a bar parking lot, while his current wife was at home. H stepdad was an alcoholic, they were poor, moved a lot. When h was about 12 he got off the school bus and walked in on his mom with another man. Then things got really bad, apparetnly he was someone she worked with, so she had to qui her job, they moved again. Then they moved again, back to joplin to the 'projects' he refers it, and he fell in puppy love the summer he was 14 with a girl who was 15, It was a golden summer, he was hardly ever home, played a lot of ball, ran with his buds, and had his girl. Lost his virginity to her. Then she cheated on him with his friend who was older. She moved away and he never saw her again. He became a player. Betrayal and shame all over the place. His voices always said you're no good, you don't deserve love , you're as worthless as tits on a boar hog;stepdad favorite, you are like your parents cheaters all around.
That girlfriend who broke his heart the summer he was 14 became tow the summer of 2011.
Aren't we a pair.
I have to get some things done, but will continue my saga later.
Ok so where was I?
Oh yeah betrayal. So for 21 years My h has been the only person in my life who had not betrayed me. Until the A. That has been hard to come to terms with. Part of me alwayss expected it, I mean, what has history shown me? Now that it happened those voices are hoppin up n down,, we told you we told you, everybody cheats, everybody lies, everybody betrays. You deserve this, because you should have known. And now theres the shame, coming back to the party.
Now before the A, things were already bad, I have to say. I was depressed, sinking further and furher since the death of my mom. I was her primary caregiver the last 2 years of her life and it was a horrible horrible disease, als. We uprooted whole family, h quit his job to move there to take care of her. It was hard, but I am glad for the time I got to spend with my mom. The last coherant or semi coherant thing my mom said before she died,, my siblings and I were all at her bedside, i was standing by her head, and holding her hand and she said to us, " ok but I need you to help the girl" I said ok mom, we'll help the girl, but which girl are you talking about? and she said " Mitzi, you have to help Mitzi, because she's the one who's always left" I am Mitzi. This is so hard.
I was a mess after this. I have always walked a fine line it seems of sinking or flying, and I was not able to pull myself out of this one. I gradually got worse, pulled away from H. Which, this also was a tough time for him, watching me suffering taking care of mom, having zero time for us,, then when she passed dealing with the grief. My H had never experienced true grief before. In our 21 years together he had become close to my mom, he didnt know how to handle his grief and certainly didnt know how to handle mine. Before my mom died, my h had never even been to a funeral before, didnt know if he was going to be able to handle this.
So when I needed him most, he was lost. I was sinking more and more. Lashing out at him. hateful, distant silent. Sex ceased to exist. And I can be one hateful bitch. My mom died july 2010, june 2011 is when h started chatting with tow online after reconnecting with her and other old pals online after the joplin tornado. Just as we were approaching the 1 yr mark of my mom's death, which also happens to be my sons bday, I was pulling away and he was pulling away. I grew up hearing and saying I hate you, even over little things. In all the shit in h's life, he didnt hear that particular phrase I dont think. I have said it mnany times in anger to H in that dark period. I didn't mean it, he didn't know that. He believed it. His voices told him, see you are not worthy of love, she hates you, wants nothing to do with you why are you still even here? He needed somebody, anybody, to be his friend. I was not his friend. Tow was there at the right time right place of our M for him to fall. I truly do not believe it would have happened if she were a stranger. He already had that distant connection to her. Now h has more shame , he always told himself he would not be like his dad, and he was, he cheated. He is hurt deeply by his own actions. I see it. He betrayed me, but also he betrayed himself.
I hate that A happened, but if it hadnt I am sure we would end up divorced when my youngest turned 18, because neither of us had the guts, the energy, or even the fear to jumpstart fixing what was wrong.
My mother divorced my biological father before I was actually born. He wanted her to get an abortion (I was born 1970) she refused. As a young child I was given next to zero info about this man, never met him. When I asked why she divorced him she said "because he wanted to kill you". Now I was very young, like 4-5, I had no concept of abortion. She said he wanted to kill you,,,so my childhood mind movies were of this anonymous man kicking in the front door of my house with a shotgun in his hand. Betrayal by a father I never knew.
My mom married my 'dad' a month before I turned 2, and he legally adopted me when I was 5 and starting school. He was and still is Dad. I was a blonde haired greeneyed Ramirez now, lol. They were a mess. They married in Dec 71 , my dad had only been home a short time from vietnam, where he lost both of his legs at the age of 18. Was in hospital for like 10 months, out for few months when he n mom got together. He was a mess. They fought, constantly. Both were physically and emotionally abusive. They had 3 kids, I always knew I wasn't 'his' . I took the brunt of all punishments. Severe beatings. From both, but especially my dad. My mom told me she wished I had never been born. As the oldest I was responsible for my siblings a lot,, my parents were always gone at the restaurant my dad took over for his uncle when he was in poor health. When they did wrong, I was punished. Betrayal. And shame. I was accused of things that I didn't do, a lot. When I was 6 I got in trouble for lying,,at this point I don't remember if I actually did or not, but we were supposed to go to a bday party for son of parents friends. Instead of not going as punishment, we went to the park to the party, me all in my party dress. I had to sit at the picnic table the whole time, not able to participate,,with a sign around my neck that said "I am a liar". The stage was set.
Now there were good things, too, lots of family vacations, dance lessons, softball in the summer, and ginormous family. Easy to lose sight of good when talking about the bad.
When I was 5 the brother of a babysitter molested me. Betrayal and shame. Also when I was 5 my gma got remarried for 3rd time, outlived the first 2. I was very close to my gparents. They lived a couple country miles away and I spent a lot of time there. When I was about 9 my grandfaher started molesting me. Until I was 14. Betrayal all around. By him who claimed to love me, and by my parents who didn't protect me. And again, shame. I didn't tell, after all who would believe a 'liar'. More shame. When I was 18 I did tell, and was disappointed and betrayed again when everyone 'discussed it' but then nothing was done because they were elderly n gpa took care of gma. Betrayal and shame.
My parents divorced when I was 12. During the marriage there was infidelity on both sides. With my dad it was numerous times numerous women, with my mom, I think was one time, more of an actual A, although part of that time parents had actually split for a bit. One of the 'girls' my dad cheated with later became my stepmom. I say girls cuz she was 18 and he was 31. She worked at the restaurant for my parents and also was a babysitter at times. She is not quite 6 years older than me. They were married when I was 18. My mom also remarried when I was 18. The divorce was ugly ugly. My mom died last year with my dad still mad at her. over money. Stupid.
When I was 14 -15 I remember my dad saying things like there werent any 15 yr old virgins in our town. I was, but of course I was a 'liar' . Later I became very promiscuous. I got pregnant in hs, yup I was that statistic, pregnant head cheerleader. Noone knew till I was about 6 months. Boyfriend dumped me when I wouldn't have an abortion. Betrayal and shame again. My dad kicked me out, because at that time we lived with him cuz mom was in nursing school at day and working nights. Betrayal and shame again. I had my daughter when I was 17, right before sr year started. My sr year I turned 18 in january. Soon as I did, I moved out with my daughter into my own apartment. On April 6, Easter sunday/wee hours monday morning my apartment was broken into and I was raped by 2 guys. They threatened to kill my baby if I didn't shut up or told. Shame. Mom took me to hosp, police were called. I did not see the rapists, my head was covered, but one voice was familiar. They were arrested next day. The voice I recognized was a classmate, in fact in our sr yearbook is a pic of history class with him in the seat next to me. Betrayal. He was 18 tried as adult, pled guilty did 20 years. Other was 16 yr old kid I did not know,he was tried as juvenile and served time in juvi house then I lost track.
I dropped out of school then. April of my sr year. Shame. Back then you couldnt get ged till your class had graduated, so I had to wait till june, I didnt go to any of the ged classes, I just showed up on test day took all the tests in one night,, they were to be spread out over 3 nights, and aced them. Ended up getting an accademic scholoarship out of that, in addition to the dance scholarships, things were looking good there. But then I started partying more, I drank a lot in hs and college, and after the rape it escalated. I was promiscuous again, after abrief down time, but then I was out to prove that I could still do "it" my first partner was a really good friend, I guess what they now call fwb. Then Easter approached , anniversary of the rape, I realized I hadnt dealt at all, I had my first panic attacks, and then hallucinations. So at 19 I admitted myself to 30 day treatment for sexual assault victims, intense round the clock therapy. It helped, I was on parents ins, but also, part of sentencing for the rapists was they had to pay all medical and therapy bills resulting from rape. yeah that worked. parents refused to pay. I was 19, dumb, it went to court and was ruled i owed balance, so for 20 years it sat on my credit because i refused to pay it,, every few years they would take me to sourt, i would refuse to pay, or say i would but not, as long as i showed up in court they couldnt do anything, twice they garnished my h paycheck for it and twice had to refund it all back because while this is a community state, bill was incurred before I knew him.. shame every time I was in court. My mom and stepdad paid that bill about 3 years ago apologized said was their responsibility in first place, that was good, but it doesnt erase the 20 years of grief it gave me. Also they had refused to pay any of my schooling, so I had college debts. Mind you they have paid every penny for all of my siblings.....I was the unwanted one,,,,,,,,,,,,,shame. Betrayal.
In my dad's marriage to my stepmom he was unfaithful many times. To this day I am not sure what she is awar of. He used me and my middle sis sometimes to cover his tracks,, it was his same mo though, she was an employee at the restaurant, actually one of my classmates, we were 18-19 then. Stepmom and I never got along,, then my dad actually started lying to stepmom about me, so that if I ratted him out she wouldnt believe me,,because after all I am a 'liar'. Betrayal. Not long after that I move to missouri, ddint speak to my dad for 2 years.
My mom also remarried in 88, in 99 my stepdad had to come clean about an A he had been carrying on at work. He was the radiologist in town, she was one of the techs. Cost him his job. Mom decided to stay together, but they moved 10 hours away to frickin hobbs new mexico. hellhole, I hate it. Betrayal by stepdad.
My siblings have all been unfaithful in their relationships. My brother I know even had flings with married women, before he was married. He didnt marry until he was mid 30s thought maybe he had out of his system, but no, he has cheated on his wife,, I dont know all details, I know she knows some, and they were going to counseling, but idk much more, I think he's probably in the seriel cheater category. My middle sister has been divorced twice, cheating on both sides, man she with now, not legally married, but been together 6yrs or so, bought house together, she has cheated on him numerous times, one was somewhat of a lta, he knows some, but idk how much. My younger sister cheated on her h , full blown affair, trips taken together she could cover up cuz she was vp of bank, and he was one of corporate guys. she and her h actually divorced, he got gfriend,,but they moved quick,, then after the dust settled they came back together and were remarried to each other 2 years ago. Again I know some details but not all nitty grity, but I am surrounded by cheating. I was a wild girl, but I have been monogomous since the first time H kissed me.
But I always had that voice in my head, you are bad, everyone cheats, everyone will betray you. Shame.
H grew up in lot of same crap. His mother was marrried before had couple kids, divorced and he got custoday of those kids,, strange in the 60's and we still dont know all that story. She then married his father, divorced him when h was infant, remarried again inherited 4 stepkids all much older than h, and then had one of their own. H was the unwanted one in the bunch,, not stepdads kid, named after his father, is in fact a junior, had not much contact with father, saw him couple times as infant,, his name was taboo growing up,, then when he was about 7 his father was killed when his girlfriend (tow) ran over him with her car in a bar parking lot, while his current wife was at home. H stepdad was an alcoholic, they were poor, moved a lot. When h was about 12 he got off the school bus and walked in on his mom with another man. Then things got really bad, apparetnly he was someone she worked with, so she had to qui her job, they moved again. Then they moved again, back to joplin to the 'projects' he refers it, and he fell in puppy love the summer he was 14 with a girl who was 15, It was a golden summer, he was hardly ever home, played a lot of ball, ran with his buds, and had his girl. Lost his virginity to her. Then she cheated on him with his friend who was older. She moved away and he never saw her again. He became a player. Betrayal and shame all over the place. His voices always said you're no good, you don't deserve love , you're as worthless as tits on a boar hog;stepdad favorite, you are like your parents cheaters all around.
That girlfriend who broke his heart the summer he was 14 became tow the summer of 2011.
Aren't we a pair.
I have to get some things done, but will continue my saga later.
Ok so where was I?
Oh yeah betrayal. So for 21 years My h has been the only person in my life who had not betrayed me. Until the A. That has been hard to come to terms with. Part of me alwayss expected it, I mean, what has history shown me? Now that it happened those voices are hoppin up n down,, we told you we told you, everybody cheats, everybody lies, everybody betrays. You deserve this, because you should have known. And now theres the shame, coming back to the party.
Now before the A, things were already bad, I have to say. I was depressed, sinking further and furher since the death of my mom. I was her primary caregiver the last 2 years of her life and it was a horrible horrible disease, als. We uprooted whole family, h quit his job to move there to take care of her. It was hard, but I am glad for the time I got to spend with my mom. The last coherant or semi coherant thing my mom said before she died,, my siblings and I were all at her bedside, i was standing by her head, and holding her hand and she said to us, " ok but I need you to help the girl" I said ok mom, we'll help the girl, but which girl are you talking about? and she said " Mitzi, you have to help Mitzi, because she's the one who's always left" I am Mitzi. This is so hard.
I was a mess after this. I have always walked a fine line it seems of sinking or flying, and I was not able to pull myself out of this one. I gradually got worse, pulled away from H. Which, this also was a tough time for him, watching me suffering taking care of mom, having zero time for us,, then when she passed dealing with the grief. My H had never experienced true grief before. In our 21 years together he had become close to my mom, he didnt know how to handle his grief and certainly didnt know how to handle mine. Before my mom died, my h had never even been to a funeral before, didnt know if he was going to be able to handle this.
So when I needed him most, he was lost. I was sinking more and more. Lashing out at him. hateful, distant silent. Sex ceased to exist. And I can be one hateful bitch. My mom died july 2010, june 2011 is when h started chatting with tow online after reconnecting with her and other old pals online after the joplin tornado. Just as we were approaching the 1 yr mark of my mom's death, which also happens to be my sons bday, I was pulling away and he was pulling away. I grew up hearing and saying I hate you, even over little things. In all the shit in h's life, he didnt hear that particular phrase I dont think. I have said it mnany times in anger to H in that dark period. I didn't mean it, he didn't know that. He believed it. His voices told him, see you are not worthy of love, she hates you, wants nothing to do with you why are you still even here? He needed somebody, anybody, to be his friend. I was not his friend. Tow was there at the right time right place of our M for him to fall. I truly do not believe it would have happened if she were a stranger. He already had that distant connection to her. Now h has more shame , he always told himself he would not be like his dad, and he was, he cheated. He is hurt deeply by his own actions. I see it. He betrayed me, but also he betrayed himself.
I hate that A happened, but if it hadnt I am sure we would end up divorced when my youngest turned 18, because neither of us had the guts, the energy, or even the fear to jumpstart fixing what was wrong.
Replies
I can\'t imagine the pain that you feel from your childhood. The fact that you are a caring, beautiful person is extraordinary. Take pride in how far you have come. Coming to terms with this past and now the betrayal must seem overwhelming at times to you. Know that I am here for you.
Ah, what a tangled web we weave. I\'m still looking for that \"Beaver Cleaver\" family. ;) I guess there are some out there, but they are rare. Like you, both my mom and my W\'s mom cheated on our dads. Both divorced and married the OMen. And both had very strained relationships. My W\'s stepdad made up names for all the kids, like \"Double Ugly\" and \"Stink Pot.\"
Another interesting thing, is that when I was little (so I don\'t remember a thing about it, would have been late twos or early threes), my mom and dad lived in Hobbs NM for about a year. The only year our family ever lived outside of Texas.
But like I told someone else, I think when we are so surrounded by it, we can\'t see the forest for the trees. Statistics seem to say at the most, 60% of marriages experience cheating. Which is a lot and bad. For sure. But that also means there are 40% that never do, which isn\'t a small number. That\'s a lot of men and women who never cheat. So I know it can be done. So far, I\'m one man who hasn\'t cheated, and I really never expected to get cheated on either.
But my W after the divorce and marriage to the SD, was in the middle of seven kids. A brother and sister, a stepbrother and stepsister, and a half-brother and half-sister. She has always felt needy for attention. She thought she\'d dealt with that growing up, but it came back to haunt her when the A started, because it was the attention from the man that drew her into it.
You have survived thus far. I think you will continue to do so, despite the odds. And may you never experience being cheated on again. I think we all want that.
So sorry, Kansas, about the pain you and your h endured all your lives! I can\'t really offer anything except maybe one thing our MC shared with us from her personal experience with her son when he was an ornery teenager. He was a slob. He didn\'t respect curfews. He slacked off on homework. She harped on him constantly. Her friend told her to switch it up and tell him she was so proud of how responsible he\'s become. This was far from true but she grit her teeth and started telling her son about how great he turned out. And he totally changed things up. He actually became the great kid she was telling him he was.
Maybe, just maybe you can incorporate that into your relationship? When he\'s ready to hear it and accept it? Just a thought, because it\'s amazing what kind of power words have over us, both bad and good.
Like Cole said, you\'ve made it this far. You\'re stronger than you think, and you\'re doing great!!!
Wow, Kansas, thanks for sharing your personal story with us! Yeah, it was very very hard and painful as all hell. Somehow when you were in the midst of it, you may not even realized how all encompassing it was. Sometimes when that is all we know, we don\'t even realize it, or feel sorry for ourselves. But we do feel it within. One time, when I was 11 yrs. old, and at the fieldhouse, I went to the bathroom where there were full mirrors. As I exited the stall, I saw a very sad face of a girl, and I felt sorry, for her, and wanted to talk to her, and console her. As I approached her, I wondered who she was, not recognizing her. Well, that\'s for sure, as I reach out to her, it was the dang mirror, and me. I never saw my face like that so sad, so forlorn. Crazy huh, that I didn\'t even recognize myself.
So that\'s what I\'m wondering happened to a lot of us. We feel the pain, but don\'t realize how deep it is. And then more betrayals, shame, and neglect get tossed our way. But you are like me, girl, a huge survivor, who has jumped every hurdle, sooner or later, and some later. We probably still have more hurdles to jump, but we will do so, at our pace, when we want to.
Kudos to you, for your survival instincts. But it sure has made you who you are; understanding, compassionate, loving, and trying to make sure no one in your path is invisible or let down! You are one terrific woman, and you keep going girl, cuz you \"rock\"! lol
Kansas, I just want to give you a big hug and tell you that you are NOT a bad person, NONE of this was your fault and you ARE A WORTHY AND LOVED PERSON!!!!! Do you hear me girl????? YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!! This was NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! Sorry...didn\'t mean to yell, lol. In all seriousness, I am so mad at your parents for you. They screwed up royally. I know they each were broken coming into the marriage, and they did the \"best\" they could with the tools they had, but boy oh boy did they F up with you! Sorry, I know you know that on an intelectual level, but you can\'t convince your heart. It is so very hard to heal that inner child. I had issues with my parents that it took some time to heal from, but your parents make my parents look like Carol and Mike Brady (well, the Jewish version, lol). Anyway, the fact that you are so self-aware is a good thing. It means that you are strong and you can learn to be your own parent...and heal that little girl inside you. My heart aches for you, but know this. If trials are what make us strong, then you are friggin Xena warrior princess!!!! Thanks for opening yourself up to us like that. Just know that you have a friend over here in NJ always. Hugs.
Thanks everyone for all the positive feedback. While I wrote this entry more for me to just put it all down, all of your kindness just, well it makes me weep. Thank you.
I read this earlier and came back and what stayed in my mind was an image of a little kansas with that sign around her neck. I also have some issues with shame and I know how it makes you feel bad about yourself when ther really is no need to and tricks you out of what you actually deserve.
You have come through so much. You are being honest and working it out. I wish you happiness in your marriage.