I am really really struggling these last few days. Mood swings like never before,Crying, laughing,crying again, and angry.
Luckily the kids haven't been home much last couple days, with the holiday, and christmas break coming to an end, they've been with friends a lot. Oldest left day after Christmas to go to DesMoines for 8 weeks for job training. School starts back tomorrow:)
H want back to work Monday. He had been off since Friday before, so 10 days home, which was great, we spent a lot of time together, but a couple times over the break I was sooooo ready for everyone to go to work/school. Felt like I couldn't get a moment alone to just breathe. Then H went back to work, and I panicked. I don't think there has been any contact with tow, I don't even think he wants her, she doesn't work there, she lives several hours away. But at the same time, he would communicate with her from work, via his work email and work phone. I tried to explain to H how I was feeling,, not that I think he's doing anything now, but that he DID do something then, I don't think he gets the seperation.ugh. And then there's the thoughts of and he could do it again without me ever knowing, because I only found out this time because he wanted me too. I didn't even broach that subject last night. I was already exhausted.
I feel so scattered. Thoughts jumping from one to the next, hard time even staying focused.
Oh and I have cramps from hell. 3 weeks late. I hurt so bad I can't hardly walk. that certainly adds to my mental state, and general pleasantness :) shit.
I need , ,,,I need,, something, I don't know what,,,, I need help.
Luckily the kids haven't been home much last couple days, with the holiday, and christmas break coming to an end, they've been with friends a lot. Oldest left day after Christmas to go to DesMoines for 8 weeks for job training. School starts back tomorrow:)
H want back to work Monday. He had been off since Friday before, so 10 days home, which was great, we spent a lot of time together, but a couple times over the break I was sooooo ready for everyone to go to work/school. Felt like I couldn't get a moment alone to just breathe. Then H went back to work, and I panicked. I don't think there has been any contact with tow, I don't even think he wants her, she doesn't work there, she lives several hours away. But at the same time, he would communicate with her from work, via his work email and work phone. I tried to explain to H how I was feeling,, not that I think he's doing anything now, but that he DID do something then, I don't think he gets the seperation.ugh. And then there's the thoughts of and he could do it again without me ever knowing, because I only found out this time because he wanted me too. I didn't even broach that subject last night. I was already exhausted.
I feel so scattered. Thoughts jumping from one to the next, hard time even staying focused.
Oh and I have cramps from hell. 3 weeks late. I hurt so bad I can't hardly walk. that certainly adds to my mental state, and general pleasantness :) shit.
I need , ,,,I need,, something, I don't know what,,,, I need help.
Replies
take a deep breath.....relax and do something for you today! Sending you lots of support!
You need to just let it out. I mean physically let this out. Scream, literally lay down on the floor and kick and scream. Go to goodwill, buy some crap dishes and throw them at something. Get a punching bag. Hit the gym. Find a secluded park and just run and run and run. Pretend like you are trying to catch someone and beat the living hell out of them.
And cry. If you need to cry don\'t hold it in. Cry like you have never cried before. Cry until you throw up (I did).
Spend a couple days doing this BUT pick a date that you will wake up, wipe your tears, wash your hair and start moving forward.
The danger isn\'t in getting into bed and sobbing a day or two away. The danger is in getting in bed and not getting back out.
We all know it\'s hard. I know you are sick of hearing this takes time. Just keep journaling and letting it out.
I think that we tend to hold our breath to get through the holidays. There is still the excitement from your children experiencing the holidays and all the pressures to keep it all together....so we put ourselves on \"hold\" and things just bottle up.
I agree 100% with everything Lotus said here. It\'s tough. My motto for the first year really was \"One Day At A Time,\" because I just couldn\'t cope thinking that the pain I was experiencing was something i would have to face that day, and then tomorrow, and then the next day and so on.
But time does heal all wounds. I am in such a better place now, but it just didn\'t happen over night. Please try to do something nice for yourself today. Like Lotus said, scream and get it out, but then do something to center yourself....put on a coat and go for a brisk walk, meditate, find a great movie to watch.
Most of all know that you are not alone. We all have experienced the same pain, frustration and disbelief....we understand what you are going through and are here for you.
I totally understand what you\'re going through. I\'m a year and a couple of months out and I remember those early few months. I promise it gets better over time. It\'s really important to keep your H in the loop about how you\'re feeling if for no other reason than he\'s got to understand how deeply this has affected you. It sounds like he\'s been supportive.
Hang in there. We\'re here for you
I sure do know about wanting to be alone. I love Mondays! Ha! H goes to work,,, kids in school/ I only have 1 at home now. He will go to kindergarten in the fall. We all know how you feel. I have gotten to know you somewhat through your posts. You have a great personality and you are eager to help ppl.You won\'t be down for long. It is just not in your nature...even if he f\'s up again, you will handle it. You are stronger and smarter now. Try to picture yourself 2 months from now w/ out the CONSTANT pain. Honestly, time, DS and MC is what got me through
Some of what you are describing sounds like anxiety. I don\'t remember, but have you seen a doctor about this? Situational anxiety and depression are common after such a trauma. Pay attention to your mental health as much as to your physical health. And remember too, that some physical symptoms can be psychosomatic.
I agree with lotus about screaming and beating the hell out of a punching bag. My friend did that, and I went to crossfit often to do something physically exhausting. It helps.
((((hugs))))