Starting Over
This is the first time I have written on any online forum besides the usual facebook. I have lived with an alcoholic for almost 16yrs. I was not educated on Alcoholism and it took many years to recognize the problem. It wasn't until after marriage and baby that I became aware. My anniversary is on March 17 and we would be married 14 yrs. This anniversary I will be spending alone and enduring a divorce. My husband left our home on September 8 after a horrible summer.
He was also a "high" functioning alcoholic. He was a very hard worker at work and around the house and yard. Because I was clueless about the disease I was confused about his problem for a long time. I lived with an emotionally handicapped person. My husband's father killed himself in a drunk driving accident. It was my husband's 16th birthday and he was in the car. They were coming home from a bar and had other kids in the car. My husband was the only one able to run for help because they were on a secluded country road. I believed my husband's drinking and lack of empathy and emotions were all because of this trauma but this is what triggered his disease and he hasn't stopped drinking since. His father was also an alcoholic and died at a young age on his third wife.
My husband reconnected with some old friends this summer who also had drinking problems. None of them had kids and two of them were having marital problems also. My husband spent most of the summer drinking and acting like he was in high school again. When I refused to participate my husband began an affair. When his family recognized where is behavior was heading, we had a small intervention, with no success. My husband walked in to our 12 yr old daughter"s room, drunk, and told her he didn't want to be with "mom" anymore. He left and didn't look back. He has never had one sober conversation with me about it. I only got answers like "I am not changing who I am", or "it is what it is". He shut me out and hasn't looked back.
My husband is now openly dating the woman he left me for from his office and barely had time to see his daughter the first 4 months. Since he filed for divorce and got an attorney he now see's our daughter about 8hrs a week. He is bitter, and extremely cold and angry towards me. He broke our vows, marriage, our family and my heart. I have struggled with bills and had things shut off and had to borrow money in order to keep things normal in our home for our daughter. We just moved in this house a little over a year ago. It was his idea to get the house and we planned to be here at least until our daughter went off to college. He walked out with a duffle bag of clothes and that's all.
We are now in the middle of a bitter divorce. Out of spite my husband asked for full custody and child support. His family had written letters of concern to the court regarding his drinking and friends, and visitation has been restricted to NO overnights. He still threatens to get full custody. His denial is frightening. Even after a gut wrenching letter from his mother and step father (both sober 22 years) he refuses to look at himself and instead is choosing not to talk to anyone.
The bottom line is my husband gave up everything for his "couple beers". I am in therapy with an addiction specialist and attend 2 Ala-non meetings a week. I am in recovery for the damage the disease has done to me and hope to shed some of these survival skills I no longer need. But my heart aches for that little boy who is struggling. The one who use to be my best friend and lover, the one who tried to be a good dad and husband. I really feel like the disease stole him from me and left me with someone I don't recognize.
He was also a "high" functioning alcoholic. He was a very hard worker at work and around the house and yard. Because I was clueless about the disease I was confused about his problem for a long time. I lived with an emotionally handicapped person. My husband's father killed himself in a drunk driving accident. It was my husband's 16th birthday and he was in the car. They were coming home from a bar and had other kids in the car. My husband was the only one able to run for help because they were on a secluded country road. I believed my husband's drinking and lack of empathy and emotions were all because of this trauma but this is what triggered his disease and he hasn't stopped drinking since. His father was also an alcoholic and died at a young age on his third wife.
My husband reconnected with some old friends this summer who also had drinking problems. None of them had kids and two of them were having marital problems also. My husband spent most of the summer drinking and acting like he was in high school again. When I refused to participate my husband began an affair. When his family recognized where is behavior was heading, we had a small intervention, with no success. My husband walked in to our 12 yr old daughter"s room, drunk, and told her he didn't want to be with "mom" anymore. He left and didn't look back. He has never had one sober conversation with me about it. I only got answers like "I am not changing who I am", or "it is what it is". He shut me out and hasn't looked back.
My husband is now openly dating the woman he left me for from his office and barely had time to see his daughter the first 4 months. Since he filed for divorce and got an attorney he now see's our daughter about 8hrs a week. He is bitter, and extremely cold and angry towards me. He broke our vows, marriage, our family and my heart. I have struggled with bills and had things shut off and had to borrow money in order to keep things normal in our home for our daughter. We just moved in this house a little over a year ago. It was his idea to get the house and we planned to be here at least until our daughter went off to college. He walked out with a duffle bag of clothes and that's all.
We are now in the middle of a bitter divorce. Out of spite my husband asked for full custody and child support. His family had written letters of concern to the court regarding his drinking and friends, and visitation has been restricted to NO overnights. He still threatens to get full custody. His denial is frightening. Even after a gut wrenching letter from his mother and step father (both sober 22 years) he refuses to look at himself and instead is choosing not to talk to anyone.
The bottom line is my husband gave up everything for his "couple beers". I am in therapy with an addiction specialist and attend 2 Ala-non meetings a week. I am in recovery for the damage the disease has done to me and hope to shed some of these survival skills I no longer need. But my heart aches for that little boy who is struggling. The one who use to be my best friend and lover, the one who tried to be a good dad and husband. I really feel like the disease stole him from me and left me with someone I don't recognize.
Replies
Mitty- This is so sad. You are right that your husband is very hurt and damaged by his past. The difficult part is that you love him and could be helpful to him, but he is choosing destructive behavior and denial over getting real help. This, unfortunately, is out of your control. I can tell how much you love him and want help for him. Your heart and dreams are broken. I am so sorry.
The sad truth is that despite your love and concern, and the intervention by his family, he is denying the truth and continuing in his self destructive behavior. He must be in so much pain. There is help for him but he is the only one who can ask for it. He needs to be willing to participate for the help to work.
At this point, you are in a very difficult place.
This may not be helpful and I don\'t want to sound cold, but at this point you need to work toward healing for yourself and your daughter. It is so good that you are in counseling and attending Alanon meetings. Good for you! In time you will be able to see your life more clearly and work toward setting your own goals and redeeming your own life. You are a precious woman and deserve better. It seems you have some help and support with this, which is very good. Your daughter needs help and protection too. In time you may realize that his leaving (as mean and bitter and spiteful as things are now) is a blessing in disguise and will save you from 10+ more years of an unfulfilling life. Your daughter will be spared living with the anger and abuse of an alcoholic parent.
This is very hard and will take time to work through, but with help you will come through it stronger and in a better place. Realize your own value, try to reclaim your \"self\" and in time, make some new dreams for your life. There will eventually be a freedom that you do not currently have.
Try to realize that his actions are not against you, but acting out of his own deep pain and hurt and damaged self. It is very mean and hurtful, but you are not the cause or reason for his actions.
Praying for strength and wisdom for you.
thank you for your response, and kind words. I do have my daughter in counseling too. I pray for my husband daily and have to give him to God and in time I hope things are not so painful and heartbreaking. I am in grieving for the loss of many dreams and hopes, but you are right eventually I can begin new ones.