I set the theme as inspiring not because of some dramatic lightbulb moment, no shafts of heavenly light (though it was quite sunny today despite my own wishes to the contrary lol) but because of a few quiet mements of realization. So, to myself, SELF, DON'T DELETE THIS ONE.
To anyone who decided to read this, it's for you too. I WILL SURVIVE, AND SO WILL YOU. Let me explain.
I've had a rash of bad days, wanting to run, hide, cry, cut, the whole nine. Sometimes it's tolerable, sometimes I swear I was going to shatter at the slightest breeze. I woke to a clear blue sky, bullets of sunshine raining down on the dead grass and knew today was going to be one of those days. So what did I do?
Well, first I waited for my lover to go to bed, since he doesn't deserve my onery self.
Then I got my mope on. I grouched, I grumbled, I flopped on any and all soft-ish places in the house, I squinched my eyes up and closed the blinds. Then I forced my sorry ass to take a walk.
That kinda sucked too. The sun was too bright, the air not crisp enough, the traffic too loud, the drugstore too noisy, and my head hurt. I bought some chocolate and coffee cream and went home.
The house was still a mess, my head still hurt and the chocolate didnt hold the comfort that I thought it would. I'm still a chocoholic but it just didn't taste right today. And my head STILL hurt.
"Okay Noxx, you've bitched and complained for three pages now. Where exactly does the inspiring part come in again?" you ask. Well I grumped and flumped my way over to the living room with my mp3 player and proceeded to play with the cats, because that's what you do right? Feed, water, pet, play, scoop poop, repeat. It's my responsibility, no one else is gonna do it. Right? Well somewhere in between the darkly uplifting music in the background(yes it does exist) and my cats losing their ever-loving minds over a plain old stick, I smiled. Just a little, a tiny chuckle as one cat did a nosedive...and I knew I was going to be ok.
My perspective just needs a flip now and then. My cats don't turn themselves into feline hemerroids to irritate me (well, not JUST for that) they actually love me in their own way. Often, one or both of them will curl up in bed with me, and not leave my side til morning. Their food dishes are full, so what gives? I AM LOVED, AND SO ARE YOU.
Besides, the cosmos doesn't seem to cooperate with my darkest desires anyway. If I find a gun, there's never any ammo around. If I took pills, I would probably just hurl everywhere and make a godawful mess that I would have to clean up. I've got blood like jello mixed with superglue, so that's out, and I'm too damn fat to drown, as I'd probably just keep popping to the surface like a gothic Rice Krispie. (Have you ever tried to get one of those Krisps to sink? It's impossible.)
I'm not saying that to shock, disgust or garner pity. My point is that;
a. I am too stubborn and too much a part of murphy's law to croak by design, and if you are reading this you probably are too..
b. I WILL BE MISSED, and SO WILL YOU and
c. If a little smile, smirk or chuckle is all you've got, TAKE IT. Most people are fresh out of big, squishy hugs from the archangel of Perkyness, so if small wonders is what you've got, small wonders is what is gonna get you through.
Dark Blessings
Noxx
To anyone who decided to read this, it's for you too. I WILL SURVIVE, AND SO WILL YOU. Let me explain.
I've had a rash of bad days, wanting to run, hide, cry, cut, the whole nine. Sometimes it's tolerable, sometimes I swear I was going to shatter at the slightest breeze. I woke to a clear blue sky, bullets of sunshine raining down on the dead grass and knew today was going to be one of those days. So what did I do?
Well, first I waited for my lover to go to bed, since he doesn't deserve my onery self.
Then I got my mope on. I grouched, I grumbled, I flopped on any and all soft-ish places in the house, I squinched my eyes up and closed the blinds. Then I forced my sorry ass to take a walk.
That kinda sucked too. The sun was too bright, the air not crisp enough, the traffic too loud, the drugstore too noisy, and my head hurt. I bought some chocolate and coffee cream and went home.
The house was still a mess, my head still hurt and the chocolate didnt hold the comfort that I thought it would. I'm still a chocoholic but it just didn't taste right today. And my head STILL hurt.
"Okay Noxx, you've bitched and complained for three pages now. Where exactly does the inspiring part come in again?" you ask. Well I grumped and flumped my way over to the living room with my mp3 player and proceeded to play with the cats, because that's what you do right? Feed, water, pet, play, scoop poop, repeat. It's my responsibility, no one else is gonna do it. Right? Well somewhere in between the darkly uplifting music in the background(yes it does exist) and my cats losing their ever-loving minds over a plain old stick, I smiled. Just a little, a tiny chuckle as one cat did a nosedive...and I knew I was going to be ok.
My perspective just needs a flip now and then. My cats don't turn themselves into feline hemerroids to irritate me (well, not JUST for that) they actually love me in their own way. Often, one or both of them will curl up in bed with me, and not leave my side til morning. Their food dishes are full, so what gives? I AM LOVED, AND SO ARE YOU.
Besides, the cosmos doesn't seem to cooperate with my darkest desires anyway. If I find a gun, there's never any ammo around. If I took pills, I would probably just hurl everywhere and make a godawful mess that I would have to clean up. I've got blood like jello mixed with superglue, so that's out, and I'm too damn fat to drown, as I'd probably just keep popping to the surface like a gothic Rice Krispie. (Have you ever tried to get one of those Krisps to sink? It's impossible.)
I'm not saying that to shock, disgust or garner pity. My point is that;
a. I am too stubborn and too much a part of murphy's law to croak by design, and if you are reading this you probably are too..
b. I WILL BE MISSED, and SO WILL YOU and
c. If a little smile, smirk or chuckle is all you've got, TAKE IT. Most people are fresh out of big, squishy hugs from the archangel of Perkyness, so if small wonders is what you've got, small wonders is what is gonna get you through.
Dark Blessings
Noxx
Replies
Fan frigging tastic !!! :D I had an epic journal entry mostly all typed out today.Then somehow I managed not to save it and lost it all. So I\'m very happy to read something that was far better and more entertaining than my stuff. Thanks for bringing this to my attention.
i\'m glad you enjoyed it. felt a little vain to pester people to come read my ramblings but i\'m glad i did anyway lol
You made me smile. Started out as just the smallest of grins and became an ear to ear full blown smile that made it\'s way to my eyes. Haven\'t smiled with my eyes in a long time. Thank you for that.
love the entry noxx and on my way to answer your post. Take it easy love, you made me smile and my little old cat is showing her belly and I love that she trusts me like that. Going to get the young monster in now. She\'s gorgeous too
Thanks Noxx, I appreciate you sharing that. And those cats will still come crawl in with you if you are blind as a bat. It\'s good to know that some things don\'t change. Take care, my friend.
thanks for reading guys. twistedheart i\'m glad my warped humor helped put a smile in your eyes. sometimes warped is all i\'ve got lol.