I don't know what the fuck i'm doing anymore.
Why i couldn't just end it all, why i still can't. I'm not sure if it's instinct to survive or my cowardice to kill myself that keeps me alive 
it's fucked, the world is so fucked. I feel cornered and lost and that everything i've fought for has been for nothing
You can't be proud of me if you don't know me, if you don't know what i've done, that the things I have done are really your worst possible nightmare and you'd hate me for it..
I'm not trying to be negative, or feel sorry for myself. I know things have just built up, and because i'm tired i've now broken today and that's led me back here to type shit that means nothing to anyone else but myself. 
Sometimes I want to shake the shit out of myself, to slap myself hard across the face to wake up, to get up, to keep fighting.
It's just hard you know? Hard to live without a reason to keep fighting.