7 months ago we conceived the baby, who is due in August. Most of the pregnancy I have been severely ill and my boyfriend moved in to help me out cause I was at a point where I couldn't even take care of myself...... Sometimes life changes rapidly like the weather in Calgary here. Life for me has changed and I'm feeling down about it these days. Changed a lot within the past 6 months and reality is just catching up to me. I think there are things that I am missing about my life that have been put on hold. I don't recall any feelings like this when I was pregnant with my daughter, many years ago. So what is it that I miss...... My independence.....Being able to get out there and work and have a routine to my life. These days now, I can't even get off the couch cause I still get sick or end up having bad faint spells. This would NOT be assuring to a boss that would rely on me being at work every day. My bank account is low and I'm so used to picking up extra shifts. Though the past few years I was financially independent and had no worries. There was nothing like the feeling of having a healthy bank account and being able to survive nicely. I'm the woman who never had issues with her appearance and body and now that has changed. I'm not used to looking at my fleshy front cause I've been skinny since childhood. I miss not having breasts. All my nice clothes don't fit any more and it's such a hassle to find maternity clothes that I'm only gonna wear once. I'm due in 2 months. Sometimes I feel fat and not attractive. On a positive note I'm getting some insights into different areas in life and can actually know what it must be like for others in the world. My physical energy and endurance has drastically decreased and when I go for a walk I have to stop a zillion times. I can no longer stand at church to sing hymns cause I feel faint and it feels like I'm gonna pass out. Round ligament pain is a major pain and sometimes I feel like crawling all over the place cause it hurts so much at times......some days it feels like my belly is gonna rip off my body.I hardly see my friends and that bogs me down. It would be nice to get together and have a tea or something and have a nice conversation about life and such! Play catch up or do stuff together. One can tolerate the hermit life style for so much and then that's it. My social side feels so deprived.... I have not felt the same since my HS reunion last month....many old memories and feelings have been creeping back..... as I saw the effects of what was back then.....I don't think people or attitudes of others have changed a bit since those times...... .....I wrote..."I thought I would write and open and honest letter about myself back in the school days. I was at the HS reunion over the weekend and had a great time. A few days after I started feeling upset and sad about something ans decided to search my soul for the answer. Something was triggered from within. Some unhealed part of myself needing air..... I think back to those days and they were the blackest days I have ever had in my life! There was a lot of abuse (mental/emotional) and neglect at home that had quite a devastating effect on me and it was visible to those around me.....but i figure it came out in another way. I was often called the girl who was shy and quiet, but in all honesty I was extremely depressed and withdrawn. What was a person to say when their home life was a major living hell. A child doesn't know that they are growing up in a highly unhealthy and dysfunctional household and usually a child would see it as something normal when it is not. Looking at myself back then, I had no sense of self and really didn't know who I was. I really didn't have any control over who I was. From late 1983 till around the late 1990s, I suffered through one horrible depression. Most of it I was not on meds and I was able to pull myself through. 1995 I hit rock bottom after a very bad break up and a suicide attempt. Counseling started in 1992 and more so during the later years where I had a good counselor to talk to and deal with things. I also have wonderful friends who would put me back on the right path when things would get negative. It wasn't till the late 90s when I started to seek myself from within. I did a whole bunch of journalling and heavens knows how many self help books I have read. How long does it take a person to get over severe child abuse I figure it's a life time cause there are still things that I work on and part of me that I'm healing. Today, I am very secure in myself and I know who I am. I have cultivated my interests and developed my life! I figure I am not anywhere near the shell of a being I was back then. I may seem to be aloof these days but I'm a highly perceptive and attentive listener. I have amazing friends - even the wonderful souls from my school days! (Since being on Facebook for 2 years and reconnecting, I was shown a new perspective and a new reality.....inspired by my friends out there!) It's sad to realize how my life was when I was in school. Even sadder because there were a whole bunch of opportunities to develop friendships - cause at that time I figure that is what I dreamed about cause I had spent soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much time alone and in hell. It was so very difficult to open up about things. Deep down inside I didn't show it really but I really thought my peers were quite interesting and wanted to know people better. It was heartbreaking at the end of the school year when we would all go off on summer break. I moved around so much in school that I wanted to remain where I was attending class cause I had thought it would be best to be with the peers I knew..... The funny thing is that night at the reunion, I felt warmth and interest in all who was there - even the ones who strongly didn't like me.....I decided that I am there and if they want to come up and say HI and I'm open. The last reunion I went up and talked to others and it was an awkward experience all around. Some came by and just said HI for a minute and then they were off. (I believe in free will and choice and decided that I would let it be and see what goes on.) Then these ugly thoughts reared it's ugly head.....I felt heartbroken to see the women all nicely dressed up and looking pretty and some one them have high paying jobs and live in gigantic houses. (I'm thinking what the f? Cause I'm not materialistic and I'm comfy with myself....why is beauty and money an issues now?) Oh, I look at my life now...sigh.

Replies

ghostryder
ghostryder

I bet you\'re still the good person inside that you always have been. I hope you\'re baby is healthy..............I hope this comment makes you smile.(((((hugs))))).

Sunny
innerdiscord
innerdiscord

I smiled. Thank you :)