Struggling hard with self worth

The past few weeks I have been in a funk and have withdrawn a bit from the world. For the life of me I could not figure out what was wrong with me...untill yesterday. I have been in deep reflection of my life trying to get to the bottom of things. Realized I have self worth issues and sometimes go through self hate - triggered by events around me. For the longest time I have been concerned about keeping the status quo at work and in my friendships in life. Ya know sticking with the status quo can be more damaging to one's health than good.

I work at a heavy and stressful job - taking care of the developmentally disabled and working as a relief staff in the company. Right now I'm not a happy camper - eventually I would like a career change.....maybe somthing in the arts.....to inspire others with what I do in life. Mind ya I like to help humanity out and be there for people but a break is needed.

I started my job a while ago and have not had any proper orientation to do with the job - the group home orientation is not as thorough or informative as I want. I find management and staff are on opposite pages and it's frustrating to be caught in all the chaos.

I was hanging out with a seemingly nice man for a while untill the issue of having to "put out" came up and the self hate began. I take my commitments seriously and don't like hurting people. I deceided to take the celibate until marriage stance and there was a lot of conflict there. I'll be damned if I rack up another list of lovers who have passed out the window in my life. I have gone through so much hell rushing into a relationship with casual sex and no commitment or getting intimate with a stranger. I can't do that crap any more. So he's out the door and I'm trying to love myself more. I think my stance and decision on the matter was right for me.

For a few months I have put my comedy on the backburner cause I haven't been feeling that well. I can't figure out why I can get my meditation group and coworkers laughing their head off at my jokes but when I go do open mic at one place that I sometimes go to - they don't laugh. It's frustrating for me to work on a joke for days and go up and tell it with no response. I was never one to talk for the sake of talking....if I needed to say something of importance I said it. Forgive me when I say at times it feels like I'm not using my time wisely. So I will sit and hesitate and ponder about when should I go up and tell my jokes. They are clean jokes cause I for me dirty jokes don't work for me........I shall ponder about this more.

I feel the need to open up cause I can't keep it inside my mind any more. Feel free to comment if you wish.........any response would cheer me up......I'm tired of sitting here alone dealing with my issues on my own ....no man is an island.....

:)