i wish that i could feel better wih all this crap going on i am trying to get hold of my couselor, i am headed down a path that i've been down before and i know where it ends. i have to find a way to stop the spiral. can't stop crying. just too much and i don't want anymore of it.haven't my kids and i had enough??? where can i go to find peace??? not just the last nine years that i divorced their dad but the 48 years of rejection..just toooo much to handle. i talked to my stepdad to see if he would try to help me get my car up to my son that got rearended last night..he was a ass and it hurt me even more..so i had to drive up there medicated.. i wish that i could dvorcce my parents which wouldn't help because it will never heal the hurt.  i don't have major breakdowns like this very often last one this bad was in may 2ooo. tried kiling myself so i need to get off that path..i don't want to scare the crap out of you but if i don't vent things wll get worse. what is so wrong with me that i can't be loved??? doesn't god know that i can't take it. how can i believe in a god??????????? had to stop for a moment cause a friend called and i had to relive shauns accident and the hurt all around the stuff going on...she told me not to hate god.. just made me cry even more..ttyl