i have had a depressed day until about 5:00pm, then it flipped around and i had the manic part...i am on such a rollercoaster with my moods right now.  i see kevin my counselor tomorrow, can't wait.       we are supposed to talk about school but i want him to read last nights journal and make sense of it.  question?  when people always put you down as a failure, why don't they let you decide if you fail without being told? aren't you allowed to have moments that you fail and know it without someone making that decision for you? does any of this make sense?      all my life the two words i learned and want so desperately to unlearn are "not allowed" just think about it put not allowed after everything you would like to do. i stayed in all day today without contact with what is outside and it felt good. so i allowed myself to do what i wanted.      i am trying to learn that i can feel good or  bad by my decisions and not someone elses. that i can make my own mistakes and learn from them instead of being controlled by a mean, cruel horrid mother. am i horrible for hating her? now you see another side of me that i hold in too long then i explode. i have to forgive her but does that mean i have to stop hating her?      while i am writing this book..another thing...she never held me as a child, never hugged me, never sang to me or did any of the things that i would think mothers are supposed to do. i so desperately need to be loved and when i get close to someone i drive them away. too many questions  today...will wait and see if my sister has any answers