I WANTED TO SAY GOODNIGHT, IT'S BEEN A ROUGH DAY WITH EVERYTHING GOING ON IN MY HEAD. I AM COLLAPSING FROM THE ENERGY I HAVE SPENT ON THINGS I CAN'T FIX AT THE MOMENT. I CALLED MY MED. MANAGER WHO HAPPENED TO BE OUT OF THE OFFICE TODAY, BUT GOT TO TALK TO HIS NURSE.  I THINK I SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF HER..SHE EVEN  ASKED IF I HAD SUCIDAL THOUGHTS...NO WAY I AM JUST ADDING PANIC ATTACKS ON TOP OF ALL THE REST.  MY DR. SAW ME THE LAST TWO TIMES ON A REAL MANIC, SO HE THINKS THAT I AM DOING GOOD. I TOLD HIM THAT I WOULD CRASH. AND BOY HAVE I OVER AND OVER, BUT TODAY HAS BEEN THE WORSE........HIS NURSE WILL TALK TO HIM IN THE MORNING AND UNTIL THEN I PRETTY MUCH WANT TO HIDE UNDER THE COVERS.  MY OLD BOSSES STATEMENT   FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT....WHEN CAN YOU STOP FAKING IT???? I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE..I FEEL LIKE A ROBOT DOING AND THINKING LIKE EVERYONE WANTS ME TO.  WHEN DO YOU JUST THROW YOUR HANDS UP IN THE AIR AND YELL STOP...I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE...I CAN'T BE A FAKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE REAL. I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE CHILD INSIDE...LIKE THE ONE I WAS GROWING UP HIDING IN THE CLOSET. WHY CAN'T I GET OUT OF THAT CLOSET? I FEEL LIKE A CHILD INSIDE SCARED FROM THE LIFE I AM TRYING TO LIVE. WANTING BADLY TO STAY WHERE I AM SAFE ....IN THAT CLOSET!