I'm back.
Wow, I haven't written on here in ages.
But I'm back. I've been struggling with my hair-pulling recently, and I need to solidify my commitment to stop.
Since the last time I've done anything on this site, my views on trichotillomania have changed a bit. I no longer think it's the end of the world when I have a relapse. I no longer think success is defined by how long I manage to go pull-free. Instead of allowing my hair to define my self-confidence and plummet me into the depths of despair whenever I have a setback, instead of agonizing over every strand of hair lost, I want to look at the big picture.
I want to be happy with myself and feel good about how I look. And I don't have to have perfect hair for that. I don't have to have every single strand. Even if I have a couple bald spots, they'll grow out. I just need to be able to hide them so I don't feel insecure and scrutinized by others.
I'm not a bad person if I have a relapse; I'm not a failure if I have a relapse.
I know I'm a good person with a lot to offer to the world. There are people who take out their stress, anger, boredom, etc. in very destructive ways, purposefully hurting those around them. I don't do that. This is something I was born with--a mixture of biological and social triggers have led me to where I am today. And that's okay, because it could be so much worse. I can cope with this and live my life.
I no longer want to fall into a depression every time I have a severe setback. I want to accept it and move on, and focus on recovery as opposed to the damage.
I've been doing pretty well, both with life and pulling hair, during my absence. I've weathered some tough storms and managed to be pull-free for a long time. I've recently had a setback, and I've been floundering about trying to get back on track since. It's been perhaps two months that I've been pulling--interspersed with days of no pulling. But I want to go back to completely no pulling again--give my bald spots time to grow out and my scalp to heal. Right now, the urges are overpowering and really bad because I've been indulging myself in bad pulling binges. And I need to curtail that straight away. I want to save as much hair as I can and move through this relapse with as little hair loss as possible. Right now, I have a couple thin spots and one bald spot. I'm still grateful, though, because it could be a lot worse. And I want to stop myself from allowing myself to reach that "a lot worse" place.
So I'm coming back on here. I'm making a goal to be pull-free for a week. If I reach it, I'll reward myself in some way. I know all the tricks--I've been through this countless times. While that could be discouraging ("This is the 239023947205th time that I've done this--I'm never going to be done with this"), I'm choosing instead to think--"I've gone through this before and I know I can stop pulling again." I will journal every day, or as often as I can, and work hard to reach my goal.
I can do this. I know I can!
But I'm back. I've been struggling with my hair-pulling recently, and I need to solidify my commitment to stop.
Since the last time I've done anything on this site, my views on trichotillomania have changed a bit. I no longer think it's the end of the world when I have a relapse. I no longer think success is defined by how long I manage to go pull-free. Instead of allowing my hair to define my self-confidence and plummet me into the depths of despair whenever I have a setback, instead of agonizing over every strand of hair lost, I want to look at the big picture.
I want to be happy with myself and feel good about how I look. And I don't have to have perfect hair for that. I don't have to have every single strand. Even if I have a couple bald spots, they'll grow out. I just need to be able to hide them so I don't feel insecure and scrutinized by others.
I'm not a bad person if I have a relapse; I'm not a failure if I have a relapse.
I know I'm a good person with a lot to offer to the world. There are people who take out their stress, anger, boredom, etc. in very destructive ways, purposefully hurting those around them. I don't do that. This is something I was born with--a mixture of biological and social triggers have led me to where I am today. And that's okay, because it could be so much worse. I can cope with this and live my life.
I no longer want to fall into a depression every time I have a severe setback. I want to accept it and move on, and focus on recovery as opposed to the damage.
I've been doing pretty well, both with life and pulling hair, during my absence. I've weathered some tough storms and managed to be pull-free for a long time. I've recently had a setback, and I've been floundering about trying to get back on track since. It's been perhaps two months that I've been pulling--interspersed with days of no pulling. But I want to go back to completely no pulling again--give my bald spots time to grow out and my scalp to heal. Right now, the urges are overpowering and really bad because I've been indulging myself in bad pulling binges. And I need to curtail that straight away. I want to save as much hair as I can and move through this relapse with as little hair loss as possible. Right now, I have a couple thin spots and one bald spot. I'm still grateful, though, because it could be a lot worse. And I want to stop myself from allowing myself to reach that "a lot worse" place.
So I'm coming back on here. I'm making a goal to be pull-free for a week. If I reach it, I'll reward myself in some way. I know all the tricks--I've been through this countless times. While that could be discouraging ("This is the 239023947205th time that I've done this--I'm never going to be done with this"), I'm choosing instead to think--"I've gone through this before and I know I can stop pulling again." I will journal every day, or as often as I can, and work hard to reach my goal.
I can do this. I know I can!
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