Day 1

Friday, Nov. 11, 2011
1:06am
After a lot of struggling, I was pull-free for seven days. A couple days ago, I fell off the wagon with a big splat, and I destroyed in a few days what had taken months to grow out. I was really, really upset--and still am. I hated myself for being so weak and stupid--for going down this road again. I was miserable. I loathed myself. And then I thought--it's never too late. Hair grows back. I'm going to be ok. I'll get back on track, and it'll be fine. I still hate myself a little bit and I still feel crushed when I think about how long my hair was before I ripped it out again, but it's done. I need to let it go and think about the future. All that can come from ruminating over my most recent failure are feelings of shame, guilt, inadequacy, and sadness. I don't need that. I just need to keep telling myself that I can win this fight. I'm strong. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stand a little taller!
I know that as soon as my fingers touch a strand of hair, they will tug and pull. That will trigger a feeling that says, "PULL! PULL!" Thus, I will not allow my hand to go anywhere near my head. I will fiddle with my spinner ring instead of playing with my hair. I will think positive thoughts about myself. I will repeat to myself over and over, that "every hair belongs." I will not make even a single snip of my hair. Instead of thinking about the past and lamenting over the lack of hair that I used to have, I will think in positive terms about the future. I will imagine what my hair WILL look like in several weeks if I keep up the good work. I will look at my blue bracelet, the one that says "Trichotillomania: Strength from Within," and stay strong. I will go to my first shrink session in a couple of years today with an open mind. I will not despair.
It's never too late.
I can win this fight.
2:06 p.m.
So far so good. I haven't let my hands stray to my hair yet, because I know all hell will break loose as soon as I do. I've been keeping busy. I bought a sketchbook today, to make myself happy. When the urges get really bad, I will make posts here or draw/write in the sketchbook and do crafts of some sort. Feeling ok.

Replies

Trickster2011
Trickster2011

I read your journal entries and I totally relate to all you said. I too have cut my hair many times, super short, to try to get the hair closer to the same lenght, so the bald areas would grow in quicker, and my husband would get mad at me for cutting my hair so short again. I too had huge bald areas and have been using lots of mascara (plus dermmatch) to cover sparse areas. It is so messy, expensive, and time consuming to cover the areas every day. I live in hats and bandanas to hide how bad my hair is. I only recently confessed to my husband that I was pulling my hair recently and that is the reason I cut it . I only told him about the trich a few years back. I was hiding the fact that I am still pulling till now. I told him that I am going to this forum and takining inositol daily for support in my efforts to not pull. He asked if it was helping and I said yes (it really is helping).
I am 52 and first got trich at age 9. I have years of not pulling in the past but about 6 yrs ago it came back full blast with some major marriage stress that came along. I went through feelings of abandonment like what I had when I was a child, when my mother passed away from breast cancer at age 28, when I was 7. My childhood was hell after my mother\'s death. I had to wear a hat, an ugly one that my grandma made, and then a wig (not a very nice one). I remember when it fell off one day when I fell down, and a boy that was with us on a family outing saw me and I was so embarrassed. Then over the last 6 years when the trich came back really bad I had to wear a wig off and on. But finally just recently something clicked and I said enough is enough is enough, no more of this! So I come on here to the forum every day, and share messages with friends on here. I feel I have really beaten it this time ! I am working on trying to take better care of me, trying to think more positive and read positive self help books, and I take vitamins such as inositol etc every day. Nine days pull free today !
I want to encourage you to keep on with the same attitude you have today of being positive and you will beat trich !
strongerbk8
strongerbk8

Thank you so much. I actually had a really bad day today. I pulled a lot of my hair out AND I kept cutting my hair, so now, not only do I have a giant bald spot on top of my head, but I also have a terrible haircut that I gave myself. I\'m feeling awful. Every time I have a relapse, it just makes me feel like I\'m starting all over again. Even if we manage to learn a lot about ourselves and make new discoveries each time we go through such a session, part of me keeps thinking, \"What\'s the point when you\'re always going to pull your hair out anyway?\" The worst part is, I\'m seeing my parents for the first time in 5 or so months in December. They\'ll be expecting and hoping for long, thick hair, and I\'ll let them down. Again. For the millionth time. And they\'ll freak out. I just feel so hopeless, and I keep wondering what I could have possibly done to deserve this awful punishment. I know I shouldn\'t be thinking and feeling those things, but I can\'t help it. I wish I could just have a really good cry and get over it, but I guess it\'s happened so many times that I feel more numb than anything, so I can\'t even do that. I don\'t know. I\'m really frustrated :(