21 days

I am sick of being sick.  Sick of pain that can't be releived.   Sick of cutting myself down for not getting better medical help. 
Sick of seeing me bed everynight and hearing the alarm everymorning.  Sick of waking to the same sickening twist in my my head and nausea in my stomach.  Sick of the 9 pills I take as a preventative that don't seem to prevent anything.  Sick of getting into the cold car in the mornings and feeling the codeine working it's way through my system before I''ve had breakfast.  Sick of going to work in this condition and having to answer questions all day. Sick of clenching my teeth after hours of pain and tense muscles along my neck.  Sick of light and sound.   Sick of getting worse as the day goes on.  Sick of counting the minutes to drive home and crying on the way.
I'm sick of pretending that I'm okay and competant when I should be in a bed and not working extra hours.  I'm sick of being responsible and motherly when I want to scream and cry like a child.  I'm sick of being strong when inside I'm coming apart.  I'm sick of being responsible when I don't have the answers.  I"m SICK.  I'm so fucken sick and I've been sick for so long and there is no end.  21 more days.  I hang onto this stupid countdown, but God, it is so hard.  I have all these doubts.  I've been sick for 30 years, what is this new doctor going to do? 
21 more days.  I have no choice in this matter.  Sick people never do.