20th - 22nd May 2016

Since I haven't done so for a while, I just wanted to write a short general update of the goings-on in my life at the moment. Writing comes easier to me rather than verbalizing my emotions. When opening up to others I develop the communication skills of a sad peanut.
I think it's good that I do make the attempt at least, seeing as I'm not someone who will open up easily in front of others. In typing out an update and posting it here, it's giving me an opportunity to let things out, and it's giving others the option to decide whether or not they'd like to read it.
 On May 20th, my niece said her first word. To our (myself, my sister, and our mother) delight, it was "mum"! Well, more "mumumumumum" but it counts!
I've had a yucky cold for the last few days, so writing is going to do me some good in the sense it will keep my brain busy for a moment as I cough my lungs up and drink copious amounts of chamomile tea with honey. If I keep using up our tissues at this rate I may have to resort to toilet paper.
At the moment I'm trying to keep in mind that it's okay to feel the way I have been. At least for a little while. My feelings are validated. I've been strong, and I am strong, and sometimes it's just okay not to feel okay.
 A couple of days ago I started taking Amitriptyline (what a mouthful!) for depression. I haven't told anyone than I'm taking medication again. My reasoning behind that is the "little voice of reason" in the back of my mind decided to pipe up and remind me that my sister is going through a stressful point in her life, I don't need to add unnecessary stress when I am slowly but surely picking up my own pieces.
The therapist I was seeing up until a couple of weeks ago had suggested that I try and make an effort to steer myself away from doing so. But old habits stick. If there's anything I pride myself on it's my stubborn attitude and my ability to overcome.
So far in regards to side effects of the medication I suppose it's a little early to tell. My poor sleeping habits was one of the things I mentioned to the doctor when I asked about the possibility of going back on medication. He explained to me that the Amitriptilyline also acts as a mild sedative. It really do! It's a fortunate thing he suggested taking it before bed because I feel quite out of it within the next hour or so after taking the prescribed dose. What I don't enjoy so far is how groggy it makes me feel in the mornings and how tired I feel during the day. I feel less motivated to do much of anything. With my sister and my seven-month-old niece living with me, it's important that I'm around to help out when I'm needed.
I'll be seeing him again in three weeks to see how I'm doing, so I'm already making a list of things I don't like about the medication so far. It's only been a few days, and I know the drill. Any doctor will explain that you will feel worse before you feel better, and I know that you can't just stop taking the medication, etc. I do think that I'll be having a word with him about a possibility of trying something different.
In regards to my thoughts, I'm trying to focus on more positive and productive things. I've got this near-constant scathing little voice in the back of my head - you know, that little voice allot of us has that fills our heads with false facts and makes us feel like we're losing our minds - and it's been urging me to hurt myself whenever I feel like I've messed something up. Say I take a wrong turn when driving my mother to an appointment, for example. That happened the other day, and once I'd parked the car I excused myself to the nearest restroom and slapped and punched myself in the head a couple of times, just enough to make me a little dizzy. I'll bite my palm sometimes. When I'm anxious I'll dig my thumbnails into the skin of my other fingers as a distraction. IMO that, to me, isn't as much self-harm as it is a tool to distract myself from my anxiety.
The clincher, which made my decision to see a doctor about going on anti-depressants again, was when I began premeditating acts of violence upon myself. Only a week ago I was sitting in my room, visualizing myself pouring scalding water on my hand. I decided the way to go about it would be to heat noodles in the microwave, and when I go to strain the water into a colander I would pretend that I'd accidentally burnt the tip of my thumb on one hand and in an automatic response, I would "accidentally" drop the bowl and the hot water would pour over my spare hand.
It was going to do it, too. I had the noodles in the microwave, and after I heard the beep I walked into the kitchen, but my sister was making herself a snack. There wasn't exactly time to stall. I haven't tried to do it again, and so far I don't plan on it.
The way I've described my thinking to myself is that I'm in an abusive relationship with myself. My seeing a doctor and deciding to try anti-depressants again is my way of trying to kick those thoughts out of my head and out of my life. I do believe I can do this.
It's times such as this I miss the presence of a dear old friend of mine who passed away last year in September. He'd been suffering with his poor health for a very long time, and there is comfort in knowing that he is moving beyond form. He will steep in the cauldron of rebirth, where he'll rest, heal and grow young again. He taught me many things, guided me, and loved me. There are definitely not many souls like his. There has been so many times where I've wanted to send him an email, and ask that he share some of his wisdom with me. I ventured away from the path he'd guide me along when I was younger. I wish to walk on that path again, and grow, and heal, and teach just as he was my teacher. I think it would make him proud.
That's about all, really. It's as much as I can think of right now, anyway.