:(

:( I don't know what to do.But, I think I lost Maggie for sure. Jacob and I went to Stevens Point on Tuesday, cos we were bored and wanted to do something. So we stopped by to see Maggie in Plover. She KNEW we were coming. She TOLD me to come. So, it should have been okay, right? And we seemed to have a good visit with her and her little granddaughter Hannah. Such a little cutie. And before she left she hugged me. I thought it was a friendly, see ya/talk to ya soon hug. But now I'm thinking maybe it was a goodbye forever hug. Because on Wednesday I kept trying to call through out the day and she never answered and then when I tried that evening my number was blocked. So, I'm pretty sure she hates me now. And that really upsets me So that's pretty much why I have NOT been around or talking much I've been suicidalish not wanting to talk to anyone.  Tracy was gone this week And that was okay anyway, COS I DIDN'T want to talk about it. Cos I feel stupid for ruining another relationship cos of my stupid bpd.I talked to Laura Friday nightand she suggested I write Maggie a letterSo I sent her a letter yesterday and I pretty much said it upset me that she blocked my number because I really like her and her friendship and that I realize I've been quite annoying with my calling and that it's because I get crazy cos of my personality disorder and that I thought we should set some boundaries and that we needed to be honest with each other that it was important in any relationship and I told her how much she meant to me and that I wanted to help her like she helped me. I had sent some emails, but never heard back.No calls.. no nothing.So I hope the letter helps. I could deal with this all sooo much better if I KNEW what to deal with.. I told her a million times that if I'm doing something she doesn't like, SHE NEEDS To TELL ME so I can change it, or whatever. I hope shes at group and that she gets my letter before that and that it will all go wellBecause I really DON'T want to lose it in front of Maggie, Tracy, Patty and the whole group. Especially Maggie,cos then she'd feel bad for hurting me. And I don't want Tracy knowing I destroyed another relationship with my annoyingness. But I NEED to talk to her. Maybe she can help us?Maybe there's nothing to work out? Maybe Maggie is just depressed and don't wanna talk to anyone..?A bunch of what ifs.. That's WHY I NEED to talk to her to sort this ALL outSometimes I just want to disappearBut I got a feeling Tracy would interfereShe wants me alive for some reason??I wonder what would happen if I were to be like "Tracy, why do you want me alive so bad? Cos If you really knew me, you'd understand why I want to die and be agreeing with me?"I think I would be asking for a trip to NorwoodAnd I CAN'T!Campmeeting starts Friday and I AM going.. So Katie don't be smart mouthed. lol So pray for me and please don't think bad of me for my mental illness. Comments welcome