mENTAL ILLNESS FLAIRING AT PARK TODAY WITH KIDS; FEEL SO OUT OF TOUCH WITH KIDS AND COMING HOME CAN'T CONTOL THE NEED TO STUFF ALL THOSE FEELINGS AWAY WITH FOOD. VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY HUNGARY FOR SOCIAL GRACE I'LL NEVER HAVE. TJE SADDEST PART TO ME IS i ACTUALLY WOKE UP HAPPY TODAYsITTING IN THE PARK, MY FEELINGS WITH MY RETARDED DAUGHTER ARE UNCOMFORTABLE TO SAY THE LEAST. sHE IS NOT A CUTE LITTLE BABY ANYMORE BUT AN ARROGANT 9 YEAR OLD WHO CHASES SQUIRRELS AND CAN'T GET UP ON A SWING, PREFERRING BABY RIDES TO THINGS OF HER ON AGE. iT'S UNCOMFORTABLE KNOWING HOW MUCH i LOVE HER BUT HOW i AM UNABLE TO RADIATE THOSE FEELINGS OF LOVE IN THE PRESENCE OF STRANGERS IN THE PLAYGROUND, AS IF THEY ARE STARING AT US AND TALKING BAD THINGS BECAUSE  I FEEL I AM OLD AND BEAT AND jAQUIE IS MY FAT NEGLECTED CHILD.eVERYONE SAYS i AM NOT WEAK, BUT i FEEL SO WEAK WHEN THESE THOUGHTS BOMBARD MEAND I TURN TO FOOD TO ANNIHILATE THESE FEELINGS, THE CHEMICALS IN THE FOOD TO NUMB ME.aS i FIGHT ALI'S SKIN DISEASE AND jOHN'S SOCIAL ALIENATION, THIS IS WHAT PARENTING IS FOR ME RIGHT NOW, AND i AM EXHAUSTED IN ALOT OF WAYS.