I am happy to be functioning, and my husband is away and that makes it harder with the kids, he does so much with them. I was called for a job with FLEXIBLE HOU S THAT I MAKE UP MYSELF. ITS ONLY 7.50 PLUS 50 A MILE SO 20 MILES IS 10.00 tWO HOURS i CAN MAKE UP TO 34.00I AM DEALING WITH MY EATING DISORDER AND CALLING FOR THERAPIST NOW AT PENN
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Hello Kk58
if you read what i have written on the discussion page \"Shameful fantaises \" it may help.
I have found that topic very helpful re being intimate..whats holding me back etc.
Re the eating disorder..
I didn\'t wake up and go ..\"from now on i\'m not eaing any crap anymore and i am doing 2 hours exercise a day.\"..i had been through that drill for 15 years and it didn\'t work.
I changed my goal..it wasn\'t to lose weight so to speak but to understand the triggers of binge eating. I was bullimic.
I was relearning ,,,how to eat when i was hungry v\'s when i was pissed off v\'s when i was angry v\'s when i was lonely v\'s when i couldn\'t control a situation..you get the drift.
Firstly...i STARTED EATING...that simple..
I began to eat 3 meals a day VERY SCARY AND HARD AS THIS WHAT I HAD ALWAYS TRIED NOT TO DO.GULP!!
I didn\'t deprive myself of anything...but didn\'t binge. If i felt i was binging i asked myself questions.
for example...
\" ok whats going on..you\'re eating compulsively...why??\"
I am hungry..did i skip a meal.if so then I ate a meal and allowed myself the treat that i was binging on.
\"who has pissed you off and why are you blaming yourself..why are you so angry at yourself..why are you punishing yourself by binging?\"
If that was the case i would write in my diary to see what the hell was bugging me and why was i burying it by eating.
\"What did i do that i was ashamed of and guilty of\"
i used to beat myself up for not being perfect.Everything was black or white. If i couldn\'t put it in either box i started spinning and binging. now i realise there is a grey box.
That i am not perfect.
i ask did i really do something wrong or is that the abuse kicking in where i was used to taking the blame.
if i did somthing unacceptable ( usually my insecurity of fearing disapproval and not being liked) be gentle with myself. don\' self harm by eating the problem.the feeling away.
I realised that i was binging because was afraid to feel hurt. Weight was m cotton wool..my eating disorder was a cover up for something else that i was unaware ( i was really in denial) of which was the anger as a result of sexual, and physical abuse i suffered. My anger had no where to go but was smothered with food.
I actually kickstarted my recovery with weightwactchers-not to loose weight but to learn how to eat. ALSO.i kept an emotional diary everyday that kept me in tune with what could triffer a binge. that was great because i was sometimes able to predict a binge purley from understanding was simmering underneath.
by the losing weight was a result of dealing with it. I make sure i never skip meals and i never depive myself now. it was 3years ago when i began.
Sometimes i do slip..BUT THATS ALLOWED. I DON\'T GIVE MYSELF A HARD TIME NOW FOR NOT BEING PERFECT. i don\'t get annoyed with myself cause i am i am human.
I also started finding other interest to kep me fulfilled. i need to work on this as i think it will help in dealing with the sexual abuse.
I hope i can conquer the abuse as i have with the eating disorder...bit scary.sometimes i am scared that the bullima will come back but i keep myslef in check still.
I hope this helps.
Give yourself permission to feed your lovely body mind and soul. its taking care of yourself.
Allow yourself to slip and smile when it happens cause you know you\'re human.
Every so often little bylittle you will care for your body more and more,,be that through nice clothes, jewellery, baths (used to hate them as hated my body) lovely body moisturizer. if you take care of your body it will take care of itself.
My body was confused after yeards of dieting binging..it took a while for my body to get back to its natural rythm but itdid.
I am now working to really reconnect with it and share...that will come.
xx hope this helps
keep in touch. i am here to help you throught the journey...i know you\'ll get there
if i did anyone can.
hi
boy you really came along way. did you work with a therapist?