Well, I haven't updated for ages, last weeks scan went great, bertie had more then doubled in size and had done 10 days worth of growth in just 7 days, my consultant and sonographer are really positive, because bertie was mesuring 3 days big for dates it offically put us past the point that Hayden died, having my next scan tomorrow morning and if all goes well that will be our last weekly scan and we will then go to every two weeks.The worry and the panic have been really bad today though, haven't been as sick today as I have over the last week and thats always a panic point for me as it was the only hint that anything was wrong with Hayden when I wasn't sick for three days and then it went to just once a day, I have only been sick once today although I have been nausious quite a bit, I have had such a negative day that I have even been working out when would be best to have the erpc and thinking today is my last day of being pregnant, I wish I could stop feeling like this, I keep telling myself that if it has all gone wrong again there isn't anything anyone could do and at least it might put us on the road to finding out why I have lost babies as three is the magic number when it comes to recurrent miscarriage but then I feel guilty because is almost feels like I am saying I want this baby to die and that couldn't be further from the truth, i don't know how I could survive losing anouther baby, I think alot of this is self preservation, losing Hayden was made even worse by the utter shock and I feel that if I prepare for the worst it will be easer to cope and get through.I guess non of this has been helped by the fact my pain leavels are running wild as on at least four occations this week I have lost my pain meds almost as soon as I have taken them due to pregnancy sickness and then of cause I can't take more as I will have absorbed some and there is no telling how much and then when I am not sick and I keep my meds down the worry that the baby has died just consumes me, I only have 3 weeks to go until I am out of this terrible first trimester but I just can't picture myself getting there even though I know the risks of losing this baby have dropped so much now, after the scan last week my risk of miscarriage went down to just 2% but at the end of the day, somebody has to be in the 2%.The best thing I could do now is sleep as my appointment is at 8.30am so in the morning it is pretty much a case of get up, be sick, get washed and dressed and off to the hospital, not much time to worry until we are sitting in the waiting room but I just can't sleep, I have found that if I don't have a nap in the day it doesn't matter how tired I am come bed time I just can't sleep, I am like an over tired baby and due to going to will's parents for lunch today I haven't had a sleep so cupple that with the worry and nerves I feel dead tired but my mind won't switch off and I can't sleep.