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I always hate starting new things and starting a new journal on a new profile feel strange. I haven't used my old profile in about 5 years since being predated upon by a bloke on here. Its sad the the stupid 14yo me believed every word and left this site feeling vulnerable but I think it was for the best. My life has changed a lot since then for good and bad, but i'm still back here so I guess that tells you just how well i'm really coping. The internet is a wonderful place filled with support and kind hearted individuals but best of all its silent if you want it to be. I can say what I like here and nobody will hear me, its kind of blissful in that sense. I think that's what always drew me to this site you can delve in and out of reality without feeling the pressure of everyone looking at you. I can talk about people, talk about myself and it doesn't matter, I have nothing to hide.
There aren't many people in my life anymore since leaving school. We all went our separate ways, most having children, some university, others working. I chose uni and regretted it. I guess that what keeps me stuck, I chose education as it was the only thing i knew, a sense of comfort. Now i'm 45,000 in debt with no career prospects and nothing to show for my 21 years. Its a painful fact but its true nonetheless.
The friends I do have are few and far between, some of which I'd call real friends others I definitely wouldn't, but I guess in the real world some friends are better than no friends, even if they use you. I have T, S & L. I guess they all use me to an extent and some of which I use, not purposefully but I guess thats how I come across, particularly to T. Myself and S are pretty neutral we use each other and that is what I call friendship, its even, split down the middle and fair. L on the other hand is take, take, take. Our life choices differed and for some reason I bear the brunt of those choices.
I live alone, for now. I have to move away soon back to my own personal hell of being trapped in a small house with my parents. I've outgrown them and outgrown that space which puts pressure on an already tenuous relationship. Attachment issues between myself and my mother apparently, at least that what the psych said! Its true I guess, I grew up idolising my grandmother and when she died everything went wrong from there. I blame myself but I guess there is nobody to truly blame.
I have a feeling this journal will be dominated by talk of T, much of my life is. She found me in a very dark place and helps to heal me little by little, not that she's aware of just how much. The relationship is difficult, she has no obligation to help me, she isn't really a friend, we just exist with me crawling to her every time something goes wrong. It must be tedious. I guess thats what happens when odd relationships are formed, the age gap too doesn't help.
Other than that I have men, various ones, wandering in and out of my life. None of them caring for me all of the happy to jump into my bed of course. I know it makes me the slag, I see it every time I look in the mirror, a strange young girl who will happily jump into bed with random blokes just to feel some sense of accomplishment and worth. I guess that brings me full circle in a way doesn't it? Back to being used on this site as a girl, being taught that sending images of myself, going on webcam, that was what I was good for. It always comes back to, self worth, and frankly i'm worthless.
There aren't many people in my life anymore since leaving school. We all went our separate ways, most having children, some university, others working. I chose uni and regretted it. I guess that what keeps me stuck, I chose education as it was the only thing i knew, a sense of comfort. Now i'm 45,000 in debt with no career prospects and nothing to show for my 21 years. Its a painful fact but its true nonetheless.
The friends I do have are few and far between, some of which I'd call real friends others I definitely wouldn't, but I guess in the real world some friends are better than no friends, even if they use you. I have T, S & L. I guess they all use me to an extent and some of which I use, not purposefully but I guess thats how I come across, particularly to T. Myself and S are pretty neutral we use each other and that is what I call friendship, its even, split down the middle and fair. L on the other hand is take, take, take. Our life choices differed and for some reason I bear the brunt of those choices.
I live alone, for now. I have to move away soon back to my own personal hell of being trapped in a small house with my parents. I've outgrown them and outgrown that space which puts pressure on an already tenuous relationship. Attachment issues between myself and my mother apparently, at least that what the psych said! Its true I guess, I grew up idolising my grandmother and when she died everything went wrong from there. I blame myself but I guess there is nobody to truly blame.
I have a feeling this journal will be dominated by talk of T, much of my life is. She found me in a very dark place and helps to heal me little by little, not that she's aware of just how much. The relationship is difficult, she has no obligation to help me, she isn't really a friend, we just exist with me crawling to her every time something goes wrong. It must be tedious. I guess thats what happens when odd relationships are formed, the age gap too doesn't help.
Other than that I have men, various ones, wandering in and out of my life. None of them caring for me all of the happy to jump into my bed of course. I know it makes me the slag, I see it every time I look in the mirror, a strange young girl who will happily jump into bed with random blokes just to feel some sense of accomplishment and worth. I guess that brings me full circle in a way doesn't it? Back to being used on this site as a girl, being taught that sending images of myself, going on webcam, that was what I was good for. It always comes back to, self worth, and frankly i'm worthless.
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