I am back
I have not been, because I have been having a really rough time.
I do not want to be a whine baby, but it all seems new again. Maybe I didn't face it as head on as I thought I did. Visions of the end are with me constantly. There is always an in your face reminder.
I do not want to be a whine baby, but it all seems new again. Maybe I didn't face it as head on as I thought I did. Visions of the end are with me constantly. There is always an in your face reminder.
Replies
This has happened to me too, and very recently. It\'s part of the whole horrible experience. You think you\'re handling things fairly well, you think you\'ve got some new insight, and then BAM!! it hits you where it hurts, right in the heart, and your mind goes back to that awful day, over and over again. And you start saying the same things to yourself, \"why didn\'t It...I should have....I could have....I didn\'t\"....it\'s all a lie. If you could have you would have. This is the time to remember you are without blame, you are a victim of a tragic experience, and that you are not in charge of life and death. It is actually a plateau in grief, a new phase, and it hurts. But it\'s healthy, believe it or not. You know, when very young children develop abilities they go through what is called \"stages of individuation\" and often during these stages they panic, they have night terrors, they become difficult, etc. The same holds true for grief: stages of individuation, where we begin to separate from the physical presence and move on to the new relationship with a spiritual presence we cannot see as we wish to, we cannot hug as we wish to, we cannot HELP, we cannot CURE. Just let it happen. Go through it. Remind yourself that you have had \"better\" moments and those WILL return. And remember that God is in control and don\'t stop leaning on Him.
Jill
Grief is not linear ~ it is cyclical. We think we\'re chugging along pretty well and then WHAM ~ often for no apparent reason. It just happens.
Ellzeena says it perfectly when she says it\'s actually a \"plateau in grief\" when we\'re taking a breather and feeling pretty okay. It\'s a way of giving us a break in this exhausting journey of grief before we begin the long trudge up the next steep path.
Please don\'t get down on yourself ~ you have done and are doing nothing \"wrong\". You have been facing your pain and grief ~ there is no \"right\" and \"wrong\" way to do it and you have made great progress just to get to the plateau you have been resting on. Now you\'re facing more bits and pieces of the pain and sadness and it hurts like crazy, sending you to your knees once again.
We all have those \"shoulda/coulda/woulda\" moments and \"why didn\'t I\" and \"if only\" ~ and for me and my family there was literally nothing we could have done. Corrie was 21, had chosen to be a counselor at a well-known camp with a fabulous reputation, and was randomly killed in moments by a random drunk driver as she was walking along the side of the road with two fellow counselors. We were 3000 miles away ~ and, yet ~ at one time or another each family member ~ Corrie\'s two sisters, my husband and I ~ have each said \"why weren\'t we there to help\" or \"why didn\'t I beg her not to go there that summer\".
Your path is made even more challenging by the PTSD images that haunt you ~ but you will work your way through these as well.
Remember to be patient with yourself, to forgive yourself, to love yourself and to allow yourself to do whatever you need to do.
Sending love and hugs of understanding, peace and comfort ~ Debbie
We do not call it whining here at FMO....it is called GRIEVING. Your journal is to put all the pain and suffering into an expression of the heart onto the virtual \"page\".....we do not apologize here for having the deepest pain only a mother can know....we are who we are....MOTHERS who have lost a child....and yes, SUICIDE is a \"complicated grief\" because the survivors take on the added guilt of thinking we could have seen something or been able to prevent what was about to happen.....or maybe we caused them pain to want to leave our lives.....it is \"seemingly\" a \"decision\" made by someone who is emotionally ill ...either diagnosed or not.....anguish and pain that is brought about by a host of causes...science has proven many things in recent history about the biological cause....the brain....I know that you are missing your daughter and that the cause may not really be on your mind at present...but it will revisit you from time to time. God is here for you....He is our refuge....He understands when the world does not. I pray you will have a better day tomorrow...that peace will be yours as God would have it.....blessings, love...dale, brandon\'s mom
We just love whinners...because we are all the same..we feel it,, grieve it,,hate it,,,,live with it...it always heps me to be here,,there is comfort,,understanding,,,I love getting hugs,,,and giving them,,,((((((hugs))))))))
It is okay...this crazy roller coaster ride can be so relentless. We never know what or when will trigger that downward spiral. Just try to be gentle on yourself...lower your expectations for what you think you should or should not be feeling. You are entitled to feel whatever is necessary to try and make it through each day...love to you...Karen
Your loss is still so fresh, only a few months. The numbness that happens with the initial shock is wearing off a little and it makes the hurt more raw. I\'ve had this. Every day is hard to get through. We can only take it one day at a time and in time the pain will ease. I\'m praying for peace in both our hearts and for all the Moms here on FMO. Terry
You are doing your best and that is always enough. You are among loving companions who understand my friend. This is where we come for our hearts to be cradled and to be seen.
Understanding (((hugs)))
Joanie