2016, the best year ever

I thought this semester was going to be so great. I had so many high hopes and I really thought things were going to be different. How did I get here? I've been sober for eight months, I haven't self harmed yet things seem to be worse than before. I am terrified of the future. I don't know what is going to happen. I feel like I have completely lost control and I cannot control my emotions and they just take over me completely. I try to be better for others but, people always want you to be something, preferably what they are. I just can't keep up. And everytime I try to go and ask for help I am just told that I should just drop out of school or that I am not cut out to be a professional musician because I am just a disappointment and I will never be able to get it together. And I believe that. i really think that way about myself. If I just pushed a little harder and fought a little more, would it even make a difference? Or is my worth just ink on a piece of paper, telling you whether I passed or failed. Its so black and white. And it just doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. I just want to get better. I can see the person I want to become, and I am that person, but they are trapped in this storm of self-hatred and darkness. There seems to be no way out. There isn't a light a the end of the tunnel. Its about learning how to deal with adverse situations as they arise, which they will.I wish I could learn to deal with all of this overnight. To be able to show people that I really am capable of being a musician. There really isn't anything else I want to do. In DBT when we learn about validation, we talk about how self validation effects us. if we are trying to prove that we are valid to others, this often results in conflict or crisis. Now I know what that means. I have been trying to show people that what I am feeling and saying is real. And I am constantly trying to prove myself, only to be rejected. Its like I am begging people to believe me. This is exhausting and accomplishes nothing really. I just keep going down this path that just continues to go in one giant circle, and I am always back where I started. And its like I can never make it to the finish line. I am just stuck. And there is no way to pull me out. I have to dig myself out of my own grave.