2015 with trust issues
I asked him this morning: You don't know what its like to have trust issues with the person that you live with do you?
I do - once again, I knew as soon as the Internet was in our house, i'd have to be vigilant, and sure enough as soon as I left him alone with the Mi-Fi I peeked around the door, and he wasn't on the same site when I actually walked in the room. he was smart enough not to deny it, this time, but the damage is done. I now know I have to watch my back, keep looking through walls, checking on history, and watching for signs. Dammit. Although what did I expect, a leopard doesn't change his spots, and I know what i'm not doing, and that usually means I know what he'll be doing.
But what does that mean, on the whole? are we happy with the partnership we have? are we living a lie? fooling ourselves, staying together for the sake of our farm? Yes I want to stay here, with all that we have, and all that we're working on, and no, I can't walk away. we're financially tied, and committed and buried by this house, and farm, and its entails. we're now in debt to complete the pool, the basement waterproofing, the front door, the rework to the door, the deck, and there's more - there's future debts to add the pool deck, refinish the front entry, refinish the powder room, put back the barn floor, we've done so much destruction it would take 10-20k to make all the things right that we've demolished in hopes of rebuilding, and restoring to full glory, the house, pool, barn, etc. all the things that we value. but that commitment makes us shackled to the house & property, unable to get away, unable to sell, unable to leave until its all put back together. So are we together only to save this property?
do we have anything in common anymore? he's been so sick, and demoralized, lost his job, his identity, his license, his trust in his own strengths & weaknesses, I was the sense of strength, and stability, but now i'm not enough, I never thought I would be, I was boring, and predictable, and unsatisfying in 2007, and now 8 yrs later we're back here again. he says he wants me, but i'm not sure I want him in that same way - its too spoiled. he took what was precious and shared, and gave it away to anyone that would have him. now I don't care if I ever share that with him again. and that's not a fair expectation for him to live with. So there we are. stuck.
I do - once again, I knew as soon as the Internet was in our house, i'd have to be vigilant, and sure enough as soon as I left him alone with the Mi-Fi I peeked around the door, and he wasn't on the same site when I actually walked in the room. he was smart enough not to deny it, this time, but the damage is done. I now know I have to watch my back, keep looking through walls, checking on history, and watching for signs. Dammit. Although what did I expect, a leopard doesn't change his spots, and I know what i'm not doing, and that usually means I know what he'll be doing.
But what does that mean, on the whole? are we happy with the partnership we have? are we living a lie? fooling ourselves, staying together for the sake of our farm? Yes I want to stay here, with all that we have, and all that we're working on, and no, I can't walk away. we're financially tied, and committed and buried by this house, and farm, and its entails. we're now in debt to complete the pool, the basement waterproofing, the front door, the rework to the door, the deck, and there's more - there's future debts to add the pool deck, refinish the front entry, refinish the powder room, put back the barn floor, we've done so much destruction it would take 10-20k to make all the things right that we've demolished in hopes of rebuilding, and restoring to full glory, the house, pool, barn, etc. all the things that we value. but that commitment makes us shackled to the house & property, unable to get away, unable to sell, unable to leave until its all put back together. So are we together only to save this property?
do we have anything in common anymore? he's been so sick, and demoralized, lost his job, his identity, his license, his trust in his own strengths & weaknesses, I was the sense of strength, and stability, but now i'm not enough, I never thought I would be, I was boring, and predictable, and unsatisfying in 2007, and now 8 yrs later we're back here again. he says he wants me, but i'm not sure I want him in that same way - its too spoiled. he took what was precious and shared, and gave it away to anyone that would have him. now I don't care if I ever share that with him again. and that's not a fair expectation for him to live with. So there we are. stuck.
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