2011: what an emotional year!!!!

This year has been such an emotional year. Losing Elijah turned my life upside down. I'm still struggling with coping with having him gone yet celebrating the birth of his baby brother. I have such conflicting emotions. This pregnancy has drained me yet I still manage to keep moving forward. I believe if it weren't for my rainbow baby, I dont know how I would have made it this far. 
Ignorance is bliss. I never believed in that saying before this year. Ignorance... a  word with such negative condemnation now is what I wish I was. Ignorant to all the things that can go wrong. That ignorance allowed me to sail through three pregnancies without utter fear of something going wrong. It allowed me to sleep well at night without worry or just to sleep at all for that matter.
All my pregnancies have been the same. Bed rest... medication to stop labor... weekly appointments and finally a premature baby with a NICU stay. Nothing was much different with this pregnancy accept the fact that I felt like I had no control. Fear overwhelmed me even though nothing was different. I had done it before on three occasions yet I felt like I was holding my breath waiting for the bottom to drop underneath me.
Now my beautiful son is in the NICU. He is doing fairly well yet again I am a nervous wreck. Every bradycardia  he has makes me hold my breath. His desat's give me chills. I want nothing more then to bring him home but am so scarred that something will happen. When I leave the hospital I just want to go back and sit by his isolette just so I don't miss even min with him.  I don't know how others do it.
I feel such joy when I hold my son. I think a lot about Elijah and sometimes it is hard but most of the time it just brings back memories of this time last year. I have been writing a lot in my journal about all the memories I have. Things I never want to forget and my rainbow baby has brought a lot of those memories to the surface and I'm grateful for that. 
Life is just not fair.... it gives you blessings.... then takes them away... just to give you another blessing. I just dont understand and don't think I ever will.
Its 3am and this new mama needs to sleep... if I can lol
I'm sending lots and lots of hugs and kisses to Heaven to my special angel Elijah. Fly high my baby bear. Mama loves you soo much!

Replies

wandersjewell
wandersjewell

Big hugs! Congrats on your rainbow. Take it one second at a time. Thinking of you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Congratulations!!! im so happy for your rainbow! i can only imagine the fears with a newborn!.. im scared every day that something will happen to my kids. but i keep telling myself to think positive vs. negative and take one moment at a time!.. what\'s your boy\'s name? so happy for you! keep going! big hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user

Congratulations on your rainbow! The perspective of life changes so much after losing a baby. I do not know what it is like to have a rainbow, but losing a baby makes you realize how fragile life is and it can be gone so quickly without any notice. Last week when I was with my daughter at the zoo there were many moms with babys in front packs and I kept wondering, did they really know their babies could die at any time? Did they even think about it? Do they know this could be the last time they get to hold their baby? I dont even think of these as really dark thoughts, just reality. I agree with you on how hard it is to have your innocence gone and the ability to really think that everything will be just fine. But I do believe we have a better appreciation for life and our children, one you cannot get unless you have been through the worst. I know you are enjoying every minute with your rainbow and I pray you will have lots of peace in that. Big hugs!
elijah4
elijah4

Thank you all. His name is Zion Michael. I am enjoying every min of him and try not to think the worst but sometimes its easier said then done.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Congratulations on your Rainbow Baby. I am so happy for you and your family.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Love the name! hang in there! it will all be good! big hugs!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Congratulations on your rainbow baby.
So happy for you, elijah will deffo be looking after his little brother.
What you say about ignorance being bliss is so true. I hate that I forever have to live my life knowing the ugliest side of life. It changes everything.
Sending lots of hugs for you elijah and zion.