I started reading through some of my early journal entries here. Wow. We (I?) have come a looong way since this writing in Sept. 2011 when I first joined DailyStrength. http://www.dailystrength.org/people/790895/journal/2466996
I sort of figured an update was in order. Why not, right?
So... (blue is then... black is now...)
First step was to come to the decision to quit the multiple volunteer positions I hold.
Done. I want to clarify to anyone who might read this that I'm not suggesting to ANYONE that they not volunteer. I STILL volunteer to this day and I believe altruistic activities are key to happiness (and frankly, just good for the soul) but making anything more of a priority than one's marriage and one's own well being will take its toll. Time management may not seem like something that will impact your marriage - but I promise, it does. Sometimes you gotta cut out some (or all) of the stuff that's lower on the priority list to make room for the stuff that is higher priority.
I also had found myself leaning on that support network rather than my own husband. It was my source of entertainment, emotional and mental support, and key to my identity. If I hadn't been married, I think that would have been totally fine, but having all those hats and wrapping myself up in that identity really did detract and distract from my marriage.The second decision was to make a conscious effort to make choices that were constructive instead of destructive. Not gonna lie, this has been one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome but also one of the most essential - not even for my marriage, but for my own well being. Mindfulness, being in the now, making good choices... whatever you wanna label it or however you want to categorize it, this has been key.
This has ranged in everything from curbing my addiction to checking up on the OW, to making careful choices in how I act/react to things so that I'm doing so thoughtfully, and not just with my wild emotions taking lead. Of course I'm still an emotional person, but that doesn't mean my emotions get to pick and choose what I do and say.
I've also tried to make good choices regarding my own health. Yeah - sometimes I fail, but it means, for example, taking a walk when I'm pissed off about something instead of yelling or eating or whatever other destructive behavior I was engaging in. It means being thoughtful about the choices I'm making instead of letting those previously destructive choices taking over and wrecking havoc for everyone - especially me.
The third decision revolved around investing in my husband and giving him the opportunity to meet my needs instead of always going to someone else.
This has been the #1 most frustrating thing for me to overcome. My husband was not practiced in meeting my needs, and I was not practiced in making them known. You know how people talk about filling an ocean with an eye dropper? Well, given enough time, eventually it's possible, right? With us, it was more like he had a hose... that siphoned the water OUT of the ocean. There were days that the more I asked him to meet my needs and/or the more he tried to meet them, the more I resented and disliked him! Ugh.
That said, I'd say that overcoming this issue probably been THE most rewarding.
On Mother's Day, I was feeling blue. I've been missing my mom since the anniversary of her death in April, and was just in a funk. There are other things stressing me out, as well. Old Huz would have not even acknowledged (or maybe even noticed at all?) Old me wouldn't have said anything, and if he had noticed and asked, I would have shrugged it off and gone and talked to someone else, and he would have gratefully gone with that, rather than pursuing it.
Instead, NEW us went more smoothly, and far more lovingly. He asked after me. I told him everything that was on my mind, he validated my feelings, said some very thoughtful things about my mom and my family in general, then told me he loved me and that if I could think of anything that would help he was all in. Mind you, this wasn't a pat, "Ok, well if there's anything I can do..." with no real intent behind it. This was him opening the door for me to say, "I want/need ____" with full intent to give me what I need if at all reasonable and possible. In this case, I just needed to be a little sad for a little while. And we were both OK with that (as much as any "fixer" man can be, anyway. )
I can't even describe how much this exchange filled my heart and it's only just a "big" recent one. Most days go like that, even if they're smaller, more mundane examples. It's nice being partners and supporting each other in ways we each can appreciate and acknowledge.
The fourth decision/resolution I've made is for Huz and I to start scheduling better.
This obviously goes back to the time management I mentioned in #1. We make time for each other every day (if we can, which is almost always) and we block of extended periods of time, as well. (Dates, or recreational time, or whatever...)
We actually have a FABULOUS system using Google Calendar that even our daughter has (somewhat) adopted. All the calendars overlap so I know when other people have stuff going on and can schedule around it. Huz makes a point of scheduling his "hanging out with the dudes" time when I'm otherwise occupied with volunteering or hanging out with my own friends. It's even better than I envisioned when I first wrote this list.
There are times when there are unavoidable conflicts, but we manage. And ultimately, we are able to plan things together rather than one or the other of us (or both of us) just going off and doing their own thing while the other partner is left dealing with the fallout. This has also been key to our success. We make our choices together and if things go awry, we accept responsibility together, and if they go well, we celebrate together.
I love feeling this level of harmony!!
The fifth decision was one that really struck deep and is related having shared common interests or hobbies.
So, yeah. This seems like an actual "fun" one, right? Not-so-much. This was literally the most tedious of tasks we set in front of ourselves. This meant trying a LOT of stuff - and hating most of it. *laugh* We do not fit in at snooty hooty wine tasting rooms. Just saying.
Seriously, I worried that maybe we just weren't compatible for awhile. Of course, I eventually realized that we both disliked the activities we were trying, and generally for the same reasons.
We had to dig deep, and in many ways go back to our roots to sort of land on something we could both enjoy.
Eventually, moving helped with this because we were able to find other people who were also interested in the same things as us, so we could sort of lean on a group setting when we ourselves were sort of flailing about uselessly. YAY FOR FINDING OTHER NERDS AND GAMERS! We call this group of friends our "gamily" - or game family. It's so nice to have found kindred spirits who are friends not of me or of him, but of both of us and our kids, and who support not only us as individuals, but our marriage, as well.
We still have periods of time when things fall flat and where we aren't quite on the same page as far as recreation and hobbies, go, but things are so much better, and usually, a trip out of town will hit our "reset" button and get us back into the groove again.
I'm super lucky to have such an awesome husband and such a fabulous life.
I sort of figured an update was in order. Why not, right?
So... (blue is then... black is now...)
First step was to come to the decision to quit the multiple volunteer positions I hold.
Done. I want to clarify to anyone who might read this that I'm not suggesting to ANYONE that they not volunteer. I STILL volunteer to this day and I believe altruistic activities are key to happiness (and frankly, just good for the soul) but making anything more of a priority than one's marriage and one's own well being will take its toll. Time management may not seem like something that will impact your marriage - but I promise, it does. Sometimes you gotta cut out some (or all) of the stuff that's lower on the priority list to make room for the stuff that is higher priority.
I also had found myself leaning on that support network rather than my own husband. It was my source of entertainment, emotional and mental support, and key to my identity. If I hadn't been married, I think that would have been totally fine, but having all those hats and wrapping myself up in that identity really did detract and distract from my marriage.The second decision was to make a conscious effort to make choices that were constructive instead of destructive. Not gonna lie, this has been one of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome but also one of the most essential - not even for my marriage, but for my own well being. Mindfulness, being in the now, making good choices... whatever you wanna label it or however you want to categorize it, this has been key.
This has ranged in everything from curbing my addiction to checking up on the OW, to making careful choices in how I act/react to things so that I'm doing so thoughtfully, and not just with my wild emotions taking lead. Of course I'm still an emotional person, but that doesn't mean my emotions get to pick and choose what I do and say.
I've also tried to make good choices regarding my own health. Yeah - sometimes I fail, but it means, for example, taking a walk when I'm pissed off about something instead of yelling or eating or whatever other destructive behavior I was engaging in. It means being thoughtful about the choices I'm making instead of letting those previously destructive choices taking over and wrecking havoc for everyone - especially me.
The third decision revolved around investing in my husband and giving him the opportunity to meet my needs instead of always going to someone else.
This has been the #1 most frustrating thing for me to overcome. My husband was not practiced in meeting my needs, and I was not practiced in making them known. You know how people talk about filling an ocean with an eye dropper? Well, given enough time, eventually it's possible, right? With us, it was more like he had a hose... that siphoned the water OUT of the ocean. There were days that the more I asked him to meet my needs and/or the more he tried to meet them, the more I resented and disliked him! Ugh.
That said, I'd say that overcoming this issue probably been THE most rewarding.
On Mother's Day, I was feeling blue. I've been missing my mom since the anniversary of her death in April, and was just in a funk. There are other things stressing me out, as well. Old Huz would have not even acknowledged (or maybe even noticed at all?) Old me wouldn't have said anything, and if he had noticed and asked, I would have shrugged it off and gone and talked to someone else, and he would have gratefully gone with that, rather than pursuing it.
Instead, NEW us went more smoothly, and far more lovingly. He asked after me. I told him everything that was on my mind, he validated my feelings, said some very thoughtful things about my mom and my family in general, then told me he loved me and that if I could think of anything that would help he was all in. Mind you, this wasn't a pat, "Ok, well if there's anything I can do..." with no real intent behind it. This was him opening the door for me to say, "I want/need ____" with full intent to give me what I need if at all reasonable and possible. In this case, I just needed to be a little sad for a little while. And we were both OK with that (as much as any "fixer" man can be, anyway. )
I can't even describe how much this exchange filled my heart and it's only just a "big" recent one. Most days go like that, even if they're smaller, more mundane examples. It's nice being partners and supporting each other in ways we each can appreciate and acknowledge.
The fourth decision/resolution I've made is for Huz and I to start scheduling better.
This obviously goes back to the time management I mentioned in #1. We make time for each other every day (if we can, which is almost always) and we block of extended periods of time, as well. (Dates, or recreational time, or whatever...)
We actually have a FABULOUS system using Google Calendar that even our daughter has (somewhat) adopted. All the calendars overlap so I know when other people have stuff going on and can schedule around it. Huz makes a point of scheduling his "hanging out with the dudes" time when I'm otherwise occupied with volunteering or hanging out with my own friends. It's even better than I envisioned when I first wrote this list.
There are times when there are unavoidable conflicts, but we manage. And ultimately, we are able to plan things together rather than one or the other of us (or both of us) just going off and doing their own thing while the other partner is left dealing with the fallout. This has also been key to our success. We make our choices together and if things go awry, we accept responsibility together, and if they go well, we celebrate together.
I love feeling this level of harmony!!
The fifth decision was one that really struck deep and is related having shared common interests or hobbies.
So, yeah. This seems like an actual "fun" one, right? Not-so-much. This was literally the most tedious of tasks we set in front of ourselves. This meant trying a LOT of stuff - and hating most of it. *laugh* We do not fit in at snooty hooty wine tasting rooms. Just saying.
Seriously, I worried that maybe we just weren't compatible for awhile. Of course, I eventually realized that we both disliked the activities we were trying, and generally for the same reasons.
We had to dig deep, and in many ways go back to our roots to sort of land on something we could both enjoy.
Eventually, moving helped with this because we were able to find other people who were also interested in the same things as us, so we could sort of lean on a group setting when we ourselves were sort of flailing about uselessly. YAY FOR FINDING OTHER NERDS AND GAMERS! We call this group of friends our "gamily" - or game family. It's so nice to have found kindred spirits who are friends not of me or of him, but of both of us and our kids, and who support not only us as individuals, but our marriage, as well.
We still have periods of time when things fall flat and where we aren't quite on the same page as far as recreation and hobbies, go, but things are so much better, and usually, a trip out of town will hit our "reset" button and get us back into the groove again.
I'm super lucky to have such an awesome husband and such a fabulous life.
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