Over tired. Can't sleep. Morning has come and the ache in my tailbone and spine and my chaotic thoughts have kept the sandman at bay.
This, of course, leads to exhaustion based depression and those nagging thoughts that lead to such deep seated insecurity and self loathing that even when I am "well" (whatever that means) these haunting mental chains still drag around me.
Even after so much time, there are questions that come to mind that I never asked. Sometimes, because I just never thought of them. Other times, because I knew I didn't really want to know. But now I do. Except I don't. Not really. It won't change anyhing. It won't change the scar that will never fully heal on my soul, nor will it make the future better.
She has less than a month until she is due, this other woman who plotted to steal my husband, my home, my children. With as fragile as I have felt (non infidelity related issues) I have been careful not to use the "rubber band" method (literally or figuratively) to keep myself away from her. Why hurt myself more? Surely, hurt only begets more hurt.
So, when temptation calls to go peek at her photos or see if she has updated Facebook, instead I mentally grab my own hand and steer myself away. Instead of snapping at myself or berating myself, I offer loving words and encouragement. "You are so beautiful. No one else is this world is exactly like you, yet so many people relate to you. Why? Because you are each other's sweet and fragile and sad and lonely and brave and strong reflections." And on. And on.
Be kind to yourself today, and I promise to do the same.
This, of course, leads to exhaustion based depression and those nagging thoughts that lead to such deep seated insecurity and self loathing that even when I am "well" (whatever that means) these haunting mental chains still drag around me.
Even after so much time, there are questions that come to mind that I never asked. Sometimes, because I just never thought of them. Other times, because I knew I didn't really want to know. But now I do. Except I don't. Not really. It won't change anyhing. It won't change the scar that will never fully heal on my soul, nor will it make the future better.
She has less than a month until she is due, this other woman who plotted to steal my husband, my home, my children. With as fragile as I have felt (non infidelity related issues) I have been careful not to use the "rubber band" method (literally or figuratively) to keep myself away from her. Why hurt myself more? Surely, hurt only begets more hurt.
So, when temptation calls to go peek at her photos or see if she has updated Facebook, instead I mentally grab my own hand and steer myself away. Instead of snapping at myself or berating myself, I offer loving words and encouragement. "You are so beautiful. No one else is this world is exactly like you, yet so many people relate to you. Why? Because you are each other's sweet and fragile and sad and lonely and brave and strong reflections." And on. And on.
Be kind to yourself today, and I promise to do the same.
Replies
It\'s crazy how much sleep can affect our moods, isn\'t it? I take melatonin and St. John\'s Wort. Those help a lot.
Hang in there. You ARE beautiful! She\'s got nothing on you. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Goose egg. The poor child she\'s carrying will have a huge burden growing up with a mother like that. The positive in this, of course, is that this kid is going to keep her really really busy. Go ahead and post some awesome photos of how much fun you\'re having without a baby. :)
My fave tshirt I got when I turned 40 - and found out about OW? \"I\'d rather be 40 than pregnant.\"
Amen. Been there, done that. Enjoyed it, but glad to be DONE.
In five years my kids will all be adults and I can run around the house nekkid, eat donuts in bed, or turn EVERY room into a craft room. I wouldn\'t really want to trade.
But is it ok to hope her cankles swell to the size of life rafts and she gets hemorrhoids? Just a tiny wish.
Absolutely! Heh heh.
Oh, you forgot 50 pounds she will gain. And endless sleepless nights. Until she will start feeling way more miserable than you are now.
And yes, you ARE beautiful.
I am so sorry about the physical pain :-(. Chronic pain sucks.
Do you want me to check her Facebook for you? ;-)
I know what you would find on her FB. Lovely, professionally taken photos glorifying her pregnancy. Her makeup will be artfully done. I am sure she will look lovely.
She is within 2 weeks of due date now. I could be spending the next month hitting refresh to see if she has had her baby, but it won\'t change anything.
Or.... I could spend that time and energy figuring out how to celebrate our 20th anniversary coming up in January. Or I could spend that energy learning a new skill. Or building a hammock for Huz and I to spend lazy autumn afternoons napping in. Or I could spend that time writing a novel. So many better uses of my time that would bring me actual pleasure rather than torturing myself endlessly with the life of a stranger.
I vote for the hammock and a novel. :-)