Ugh.
I feel like I do nothing but it wears me out anyway. I can't keep up - can't catch up - can't get up. No energy and when I do, I just spin my wheels.
Have also been having morbid thoughts about death. It's a thing with me, so it's not like it's something new, but it's really been weighing on me. I guess turning 40 in December sort of has hit me harder than I expected. I will catch myself thinking, "If I die today, is this how I want to be spending my last hours/minutes?" And then I will purposefully dig my heels in and waste more time almost as a rebellious way to say, "Oh, geeze, I am NOT gonna die today..."
But I might.
Just saying.
Counseling. More counseling. Twice a week every week. And I don't think it's helping ME a bit. My son has been more respectful and has been actively trying to change some of his behaviors. I wish I could say I was doing the same, but mostly I am just coasting. I am mindful of what I say/do - playing the role - but fuckit. No, seriously. Fuckit. I just don't have an investment lately.
My daughter's counseling is less outwardly productive. Maybe less productive period. As much as I thought I would like her counselor, I feel like it's a huge waste of time. Today they will be doing "art therapy" - I hope my kid gets more out of this than she has any of the other sessions. It feels like an expensive waste of time, as it is - and I dunno that I want to spend my last moments on this earth driving her back and forth just so she can be bored and unimpressed.
(no, but seriously, I might die at any second!)
Yes. I am messed up. And exhausted. 5:30am and no sleep yet. Last week of school, so at least I can start sleeping days if I want and with Huz on graveyards (believe me, that's drama/trauma in and of itself!) that may be a better choice, anyway.
Off to wake the kids and then maybe sneak in a nap. Maybe my next journal post won't be such scatterbrained nonsense.
(Oh... they all are? Well. Damn. It's probably because my brain is dying. HEY IT MIGHT BE YOU DON'T KNOW.)
I feel like I do nothing but it wears me out anyway. I can't keep up - can't catch up - can't get up. No energy and when I do, I just spin my wheels.
Have also been having morbid thoughts about death. It's a thing with me, so it's not like it's something new, but it's really been weighing on me. I guess turning 40 in December sort of has hit me harder than I expected. I will catch myself thinking, "If I die today, is this how I want to be spending my last hours/minutes?" And then I will purposefully dig my heels in and waste more time almost as a rebellious way to say, "Oh, geeze, I am NOT gonna die today..."
But I might.
Just saying.
Counseling. More counseling. Twice a week every week. And I don't think it's helping ME a bit. My son has been more respectful and has been actively trying to change some of his behaviors. I wish I could say I was doing the same, but mostly I am just coasting. I am mindful of what I say/do - playing the role - but fuckit. No, seriously. Fuckit. I just don't have an investment lately.
My daughter's counseling is less outwardly productive. Maybe less productive period. As much as I thought I would like her counselor, I feel like it's a huge waste of time. Today they will be doing "art therapy" - I hope my kid gets more out of this than she has any of the other sessions. It feels like an expensive waste of time, as it is - and I dunno that I want to spend my last moments on this earth driving her back and forth just so she can be bored and unimpressed.
(no, but seriously, I might die at any second!)
Yes. I am messed up. And exhausted. 5:30am and no sleep yet. Last week of school, so at least I can start sleeping days if I want and with Huz on graveyards (believe me, that's drama/trauma in and of itself!) that may be a better choice, anyway.
Off to wake the kids and then maybe sneak in a nap. Maybe my next journal post won't be such scatterbrained nonsense.
(Oh... they all are? Well. Damn. It's probably because my brain is dying. HEY IT MIGHT BE YOU DON'T KNOW.)
Replies