Update
Quick update:
Huz and I talked. It turned dangerously close to a fight toward the end, and finally I just said, "I DO want to talk about this, but not while we're both upset." Yesterday, Huz drove himself nearly to an ulcer with stress. I could see he was upset, but I couldn't figure out why. We were running here and there and doing errands and I finally asked him what the heck was going on. He admitted he was freaked out about (yet again) not having taken action even though he said he would. I was sort of baffled since I thought we'd agreed the day before to table the conversation until we were both free (the day before he was headed out to work) and calm. I explained to him that it was ok, we could table it, but not ignore it.
Today we haven't really sat down to talk about it, but to be fair, we've been running all day again. I don't even know what I want, anymore. I was mad because he didn't follow through, but now if he follows through it feels like he's just going to be kicking up dust, not really settling anything. His mom is going to be really thrown since he has acted all nicey-nice to her like everything was ok and to suddenly say, "Well... actually..." is going to incur her wrath, instead of being a semi-grown up conversation.
And you know for whom that wrath will come. Hint: Not my husband.
I don't really know how to handle this at this point. Let it go... until the next time? Maybe. Especially if we formulate a specific plan on how to deal with another issue in advance so that I don't fly off the handle and he doesn't hide under the bed when the time comes. Or he asks her for clarification, as he was going to, stirring up dust and wrath and God knows what else, but at the same time sort of draws the line and calls her out if she really is being as malicious as I feel she is. I already spent a good long while explaining to my husband my feelings on the matter and why I found her actions - and his in-actions - so hurtful, so there's not much need to rehash that.
I don't know. At what point do you let something go "until the next time" and at what point do you draw the line and insist NEVER AGAIN...? I'm so used to turning the other cheek that my whole face is black and blue. (Figuratively, people.) At some point, ya gotta say, "NO. I will NOT accept this."
Or quit griping about it, and I'm not prepared to do THAT. :)
Huz and I talked. It turned dangerously close to a fight toward the end, and finally I just said, "I DO want to talk about this, but not while we're both upset." Yesterday, Huz drove himself nearly to an ulcer with stress. I could see he was upset, but I couldn't figure out why. We were running here and there and doing errands and I finally asked him what the heck was going on. He admitted he was freaked out about (yet again) not having taken action even though he said he would. I was sort of baffled since I thought we'd agreed the day before to table the conversation until we were both free (the day before he was headed out to work) and calm. I explained to him that it was ok, we could table it, but not ignore it.
Today we haven't really sat down to talk about it, but to be fair, we've been running all day again. I don't even know what I want, anymore. I was mad because he didn't follow through, but now if he follows through it feels like he's just going to be kicking up dust, not really settling anything. His mom is going to be really thrown since he has acted all nicey-nice to her like everything was ok and to suddenly say, "Well... actually..." is going to incur her wrath, instead of being a semi-grown up conversation.
And you know for whom that wrath will come. Hint: Not my husband.
I don't really know how to handle this at this point. Let it go... until the next time? Maybe. Especially if we formulate a specific plan on how to deal with another issue in advance so that I don't fly off the handle and he doesn't hide under the bed when the time comes. Or he asks her for clarification, as he was going to, stirring up dust and wrath and God knows what else, but at the same time sort of draws the line and calls her out if she really is being as malicious as I feel she is. I already spent a good long while explaining to my husband my feelings on the matter and why I found her actions - and his in-actions - so hurtful, so there's not much need to rehash that.
I don't know. At what point do you let something go "until the next time" and at what point do you draw the line and insist NEVER AGAIN...? I'm so used to turning the other cheek that my whole face is black and blue. (Figuratively, people.) At some point, ya gotta say, "NO. I will NOT accept this."
Or quit griping about it, and I'm not prepared to do THAT. :)
Replies
I\'ve been trying to put myself in your situation. I agree - at this point too much time has passed for there to be the same impact that handling it immediately would have had.
And old habits die hard. So maybe he needs to let this one go and be prepared to deal with the next incident when it happens. He can even say something like \"I let the last one go because I didn\'t want to ruin your birthday ...\" so its still acknowledged on some level.
This might take baby steps and a lot of coaching and hand-holding on your part. You\'re trying to reprogram some deeply ingrained ways of dealing with things here.
It\'s a good sign that he knows that he needs to deal with it and his inaction is stressing him out. You might get further ahead by giving him a pass on this one and figuring out how to handle similar siutations in the future ( and you know there will be).
My best guess is that he laid the law down and she had to make sure she still had that control over him.. I totally picture the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond - is that remotely accurate?
The MIL from Everybody Loves Raymond is actually NICER. She, at least, tries to pretend to be nice when she\'s giving backhanded compliments. My MIL is generally blatant in her regard toward me, but then covers it up/back pedals on the rare occasions she gets called out.
When my mom was still alive, she once called my MIL with, \"Excuse me, WHAT did you say to my daughter?\" (in gist...) and MIL had the nerve to say, \"Well, all this is your daughter\'s fault for getting pregnant. If she hadn\'t then my son would be living his life without her and SO much happier.\"
Saweeeet. I have POWAH. I control my husband with my WOMB. Because, you know, no man has ever walked out on a woman he knocked up. EVER. (Can you hear my eyes rolling out of my head?)
Ok, enough of the aggressive anger. It\'s fine. Nothing has changed (which is what bugs me) but it hasn\'t gotten worse, either. I think you\'re right. Coming up with a specific plan of action will be much more constructive than anything else we could do. Constructive/Destructive, right? It\'s the mantra I have to live by.
I\'m kind of laughing because this reminds me of the many years of helping my daughter dig herself out of a hole with her grades, work out a plan, she knew what needed to be done ... and then I\'d get a note home that homework hadn\'t been turned in. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!
Back to step one .....
This is a dysfunction that\'s been brewing for a lifetime. It can\'t be fixed in 1 email. He needs to be ready for her next strike and have his response ready to go. Keep it simpleand respectfully to the point.
It must really be frustrating.
I think you are right. Make a plan for next time. Because there WILL be a next time.
My husband cut his dad out of our lives for similar comments and comments about our kids. Though there was a lifetime of his emotional abuse of my husband leading up to that.
not saying your H should cut her out. But he SHOULD stand up for you. And I believe it is OK for you to stand up for yourself too. As long as you do not stoop to her level. The \"What did youjust say?\"
Continued...
is a great com back if said without sarcasm but true bewilderment. Or in writing, saying \"I\'m not sure I really understand where you are coming from. Can you explain that again?\" Makes her have to dig her heels in and bury herself in her awfulness or retract and change her tone.