Frustrated
How do you aim for what you want when you can't even visualize what you want, anymore?
I find my wheels spinning and my anger building out of pain and frustration. Mentally, I take it out on the OW because it's easier than figuring out what's really wrong. Yeah yeah, blahblah, life is unfair. Boohoo. This isn't to degrade anyone else who's in that state of mind, so forgive me if someone reads this and takes it that way. No, it's just the same old song I've been singing for far too long. It's not about her.
So what IS it about? What DO I want?
It's so much easier to focus and direct (or redirect) my energy when I have a clear concept of where I want to go - even if I don't know how to get there. For the life of me, I just can't even imagine what I want. Mostly, I just want to give up and sleep until, I don't know, some vision comes to me showing me the way.
Too bad life doesn't really work that way.
I find my wheels spinning and my anger building out of pain and frustration. Mentally, I take it out on the OW because it's easier than figuring out what's really wrong. Yeah yeah, blahblah, life is unfair. Boohoo. This isn't to degrade anyone else who's in that state of mind, so forgive me if someone reads this and takes it that way. No, it's just the same old song I've been singing for far too long. It's not about her.
So what IS it about? What DO I want?
It's so much easier to focus and direct (or redirect) my energy when I have a clear concept of where I want to go - even if I don't know how to get there. For the life of me, I just can't even imagine what I want. Mostly, I just want to give up and sleep until, I don't know, some vision comes to me showing me the way.
Too bad life doesn't really work that way.
Replies
You will figure it out eventually...
I hope so.
I hear ya girl. There\'s a million things you want to change and fix and that can be confusing and over whelming. Have your considered treating the depression with medication temporarily? Just so you can see the forest through the trees.
I think focusing on the depression should be the main goal. I don\'t mean ignore the marriage or even put it in the back burner but stop using your energy to figure out what you want in it and from him for the moment.
Have you ever watched that show \"hoarders\"? Sometimes when I\'m depressedeverything feels bigger and my mind is more cluttered and its like there\'s piles of crap in every rim if my life.
Consider the depression The clutter. You can\'t see how your want to rearrange your home until your clear the clutter. You may find that there some really decent wood floors and great molding beneath the mess. It may not be as bad as your think.
That\'s my analogy for today. Take care of the mindset first.
Arrrg lots i\'s where there should be o\'s and your instead of you
Sorry.
Yeah. I think you\'re right. I just hate the process. Hate. And after such a cruddy time I\'ve had with the current GP, it would mean either finding a new GP or finding a psychiatrist. Jumping through the hoops when I can barely find my way out of bed? ugh.
Do not let your gp treat depression. Find a good psychiatrist please. I know it is a bit of a vicious circle. Kind of like having empty tank in your car and needing to go to get gas but you have empty tank so you cannot get to the gas stating to get it filled..... Sucks.
Perhaps try taking Inositol. It did work for me as I refused to take antidepressants after I gained horrendous amount of weight on them. I take 10-12 grams a day. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VHV3H6/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
These are the biggest capsules I found so that you don\'t have to take a whole bottle a day. Lol.
With that out of the way.
I totally get what you mean.
All my life I was pretty much moving ahead more or less getting where I wanted to be and getting what I wanted to get. And then suddenly everything fell apart. My life stalled. And I with it. And it was not coming from the outside. It was coming from the inside.... I mean the outside got me gradually there but at the end it was coming from me.
And then I realized that the main reason I used to move my life where I wanted it to be was because..... I KNEW WHAT I WANTED. And then I no longer did..... So nothing good could happen to me because I had no idea what I wanted...... For a very long time I felt doomed because nothing would change because I had no idea what I wanted it to look like. I am still not completely out of that but I see the light. I begin to sense the direction.... I begin to smell my wants..... It is very vague still but I begin to regain trust that I will get my life back. You will too.
Until you get there - be kind and gentle to yourself. Love yourself. Be forgiving. It is ok to hibernate through the winter even though it might feel like a very long time. And one day, you will wake up and you will see your vision. It will find you. I promise. After all - you are a Saggitarius. AND a Ravenclaw!
Lots of loving hugs to you!
\"There Is Hope
after Despair and many Suns after darkness.\"
~Rumi