OW
I know I shouldn't care, but I do and it's pissing me off that I do which is upsetting me more that I care.
Grr.
So, apparently, OW just bought a new house. And. She's in Germany for Octoberfest.
WTH? Who does that?
I'll probably never even get to go to Germany. We won't be able to buy a house for years - if then.
I hate that I even check up on her and I hate that karma hasn't slapped her upside the head and I hate that I care so much about her life and get so stupid jealous.
What's wrong with me?
More importantly, how do I fix it? :(
Grr.
So, apparently, OW just bought a new house. And. She's in Germany for Octoberfest.
WTH? Who does that?
I'll probably never even get to go to Germany. We won't be able to buy a house for years - if then.
I hate that I even check up on her and I hate that karma hasn't slapped her upside the head and I hate that I care so much about her life and get so stupid jealous.
What's wrong with me?
More importantly, how do I fix it? :(
Replies
Ugh. As you well know I am SO with you on this one :-(.
And that includes having no idea how to fix it :-(.
Also I don\'t think there is something wrong with us (even though I wish as well I didn\'t care. There must have been something in her and in my OW that pushed our buttons in an extreme way. I think it is not us. It is them the reason I think that is because I have a comparison. I have other OW to deal with and I don\'t care what they do and where they go. With this one - it bothers me tremendously. Sigh. And it bothers me what she thinks. And I hate that too.
I will share with you if I figure out how to fix it but I have a feeling its not going to be any time soon :-(.
In a meanwhile think of all the weight she will gain drinking tons of beer. And perhaps the house has termites that nobody knows about yet. Or previous owners left bed bugs lurking around.
Hugs.
My friend asked me a question that sort of made my head swing.
\"Do you want to be in Germany right now?\"
And you know, my automatic response was going to be something like, \"Well, duh, of COURSE, who WOULDN\'T....\" because, you know, it\'s not HERE so it must be /better/.
Then I thought about it. And I realized that no, I don\'t want to be in Germany - RIGHT NOW - or I would be. If someone handed me a free trip, sure, I\'d go. I love to travel. But Germany isn\'t even on my top 10 list, so I gotta really just hush and realize I am where I am supposed to be - and more importantly - where I have put myself.
We all make choices. I choose this. I could have chosen to be her (well, not exactly her, but... you know) and I didn\'t. And I think THAT is what rubs me the wrong way about her. She is all the choices I didn\'t make. I don\'t mean she\'s opposite of me, just that she\'s sort of \"just like me\" (ugh, I want to gag just typing that) but when I took right, she took left.
I think that\'s what huz found appealing about her. She was me, only not. She was the \"what if\" - what if I\'d chosen school over romance? What if I had chosen career over kids? What if I had chosen to give in to my long, rough familial addictions of smoking and drinking? What if I used my talents of flattery instead of my talents of honesty?
She\'s not better - or worse. She\'s just different. She\'s the pieces of me that I didn\'t pick. And THAT is what rubs me the wrong way. Some part of me hates her for picking what I didn\'t because it somehow invalidates my choices. Some part of me hates her because when my husband chose to be with her, he chose the parts of me I had rejected.
How\'s that for food for thought?
Sigh. Yes, a lot of food for thought but it is somewhat different for me.
You see, she IS where I want to be.
And because of this she gets to do things I DO want to do.
She has what I used to have before I married my husband, so in a way it adds to my resentment of him, as I would have had what I had and loved had I married somebody else.
She is an American living in Europe. I am a European living in America. Because I married an American.
And I want to be there. Always wanted. Of course I could not be doing all the things I used to do - having young family does not allow it, but I still could and would be doing many of the things I loved. And she gets to do them. And I feel it is somehow wrong. I belong there and she doesn\'t. For a long time after DDay all I wished for her is that she had to return to the States. Nothing bad happening to her, only that she would have to come back and live in the States and not in Europe. MY Europe.
Yes, I can try to make myself feel better that she would love to have a family and the children, and she is never going to have them. She is older than I am, almost 50, and this is something that I know she is miserable about. It was not her choice though it was her doing. She clearly did not find good therapists or was not doing the work needed in therapy to actually get herself out of her dysfunctionality. She is truly sick in the ways she thinks. Her father dumped her mother and 2 young daughters for another woman and proceeded to have 4 children and happy family with this other woman (and aging together with her in Florida).
I dont think she is better or worse. I know that she is liked by her friends and I am sure she is otherwise a nice person. I dont care. I just find it hard that she does get to be there, even though she doesnt belong there, and I dont.
Ugh. Same but different. It\'s like looking in a mirror and in ways seeing what could have (or should have) been, and having our noses rubbed in it.
Yup.
So I remain hoping that karma will send her back to Texas. That is all I want happening to her. I know I should wish that she gets a real relationship with an available man, which should in theory assure that she will stay away from my husband forever, but I do not believe it possible.
So please Karma? Texas for the OW please? It is really not going to be bad at all for her. Quite good in fact. It is just going to be much better for me since I couldn\'t care less about Texas. Ok, Karma?
Lol. Feeling better. :-)