Update
I feel like such a fair weather DS Friend, but I guess it's like going to the doctor - you don't really make the time to go unless you feel crappy.
Today - no crappy.
Anniversary of DDay was, as anticipated, rough. H and I each handled things poorly. Not BAD, but after the fact (hindsight being 20/20 and all...) we both realized we should have come up with an action plan in advance since I already knew I was going to be feeling cruddy. We muddled through the day and the day after he surprised me by coming to kiss me goodbye before he went to work only to tell me he was NOT going to work, but rather was taking the day off to spend with me.
Sort of funny since I had filled the day with appointments so I'd a) stay busy and distracted and b) have something to force me out of bed and away from any pointless and wearing self pity/depression. I kept my appointments - one of which H attended with me, which was nice - and we did spend a good portion of the day together.
Last year, holiday/birthday time was messy and precarious and distressing. OK. Every year. But especially last year, what with the 1st anniversary and all. We took a trip for his birthday, then one for mine, then one for our anniversary. For the most part, I planned all of them, which is a mixed bag. When I plan everything, I feel like he's not participating/weighing in. When we try to do it together, he always just says, "Whatever you want..." which doesn't feel like us doing it TOGETHER. If I leave it to him, he tends to freeze up and NOT plan anything.
At any rate, last year I waited and waited for him to plan something for my birthday. When he didn't, I just jumped in, took charge, and got things handled - but it was very last minute and wasn't exactly what I wanted. This year, I laid out the plan for him exactly. Essentially, it's last year's trip as a "redo" without the 1st anniversary of DDay baggage, the last minute frantic planning, and a lot of financial restraints. I won't say I had carte blanche, but it was still pretty open as far as what I could plan. I also had a better idea of what I wanted/needed this year.
He made the reservations and I know he's got a few surprises up his sleeve. I found out one by accident! I wasn't even snooping, but a package came to the door with LUSH written all over it, addressed to him. He's not exactly a big bath product kinda guy, so, um, yeah. And since we're staying in a hotel with a jacuzzi tub... well, it stands to reason that he may have picked up a few bath goodies for the trip. How sweet is that? It's that level of thoughtfulness that just melts me to my core.
So, yeah. Jacuzzi tub in the room and the hotel is right on the beach. We can literally just walk right outside and onto the beach and then walk 2 minutes to get to the ocean. It's not the nicest/most modern hotel we've stayed in, but the location makes up for that. I really just want some quiet time without hectic schedules or frantic to-do lists. Last year wasn't a terrible trip, but there were some details that just didn't pan out as we had hoped so this year I knew better and planned accordingly. In the end? I'm just SUPER grateful we can afford to take this trip (especially so close to Christmas) and that we are able to spend time together alone.
It sort of struck me after we'd gone Christmas shopping... if things had gone differently at all in the last two to three years, we'd each be doing our own Christmas gifts for the kids. We wouldn't have shopped together or even consulted each other, most likely. We wouldn't have the time together holding hands and laughing and whispering lascivious things to each other in long checkout queues. As I was carefully hiding the gifts in our closet, I mentioned it to H and told him how grateful I was that we were doing the shopping together, instead of separately. He looked genuinely relieved and pleased with himself.
Definitely rewarding. I've been working on telling him the "good" stuff and verbalizing my happy/content/grateful feelings as often as I think to instead of just focusing on the bad stuff and it seems to bring about good results in the effort and openness H brings to the table afterward. It's something our MC suggested early on in our recovery process, but it was just too soon and I was hurting too much. I'm glad I am at the point where I can make use of that advice and that I see good results from it.
Arright. Def bedtime. Rambling more than usual. Thanks for reading this far.
Today - no crappy.
Anniversary of DDay was, as anticipated, rough. H and I each handled things poorly. Not BAD, but after the fact (hindsight being 20/20 and all...) we both realized we should have come up with an action plan in advance since I already knew I was going to be feeling cruddy. We muddled through the day and the day after he surprised me by coming to kiss me goodbye before he went to work only to tell me he was NOT going to work, but rather was taking the day off to spend with me.
Sort of funny since I had filled the day with appointments so I'd a) stay busy and distracted and b) have something to force me out of bed and away from any pointless and wearing self pity/depression. I kept my appointments - one of which H attended with me, which was nice - and we did spend a good portion of the day together.
Last year, holiday/birthday time was messy and precarious and distressing. OK. Every year. But especially last year, what with the 1st anniversary and all. We took a trip for his birthday, then one for mine, then one for our anniversary. For the most part, I planned all of them, which is a mixed bag. When I plan everything, I feel like he's not participating/weighing in. When we try to do it together, he always just says, "Whatever you want..." which doesn't feel like us doing it TOGETHER. If I leave it to him, he tends to freeze up and NOT plan anything.
At any rate, last year I waited and waited for him to plan something for my birthday. When he didn't, I just jumped in, took charge, and got things handled - but it was very last minute and wasn't exactly what I wanted. This year, I laid out the plan for him exactly. Essentially, it's last year's trip as a "redo" without the 1st anniversary of DDay baggage, the last minute frantic planning, and a lot of financial restraints. I won't say I had carte blanche, but it was still pretty open as far as what I could plan. I also had a better idea of what I wanted/needed this year.
He made the reservations and I know he's got a few surprises up his sleeve. I found out one by accident! I wasn't even snooping, but a package came to the door with LUSH written all over it, addressed to him. He's not exactly a big bath product kinda guy, so, um, yeah. And since we're staying in a hotel with a jacuzzi tub... well, it stands to reason that he may have picked up a few bath goodies for the trip. How sweet is that? It's that level of thoughtfulness that just melts me to my core.
So, yeah. Jacuzzi tub in the room and the hotel is right on the beach. We can literally just walk right outside and onto the beach and then walk 2 minutes to get to the ocean. It's not the nicest/most modern hotel we've stayed in, but the location makes up for that. I really just want some quiet time without hectic schedules or frantic to-do lists. Last year wasn't a terrible trip, but there were some details that just didn't pan out as we had hoped so this year I knew better and planned accordingly. In the end? I'm just SUPER grateful we can afford to take this trip (especially so close to Christmas) and that we are able to spend time together alone.
It sort of struck me after we'd gone Christmas shopping... if things had gone differently at all in the last two to three years, we'd each be doing our own Christmas gifts for the kids. We wouldn't have shopped together or even consulted each other, most likely. We wouldn't have the time together holding hands and laughing and whispering lascivious things to each other in long checkout queues. As I was carefully hiding the gifts in our closet, I mentioned it to H and told him how grateful I was that we were doing the shopping together, instead of separately. He looked genuinely relieved and pleased with himself.
Definitely rewarding. I've been working on telling him the "good" stuff and verbalizing my happy/content/grateful feelings as often as I think to instead of just focusing on the bad stuff and it seems to bring about good results in the effort and openness H brings to the table afterward. It's something our MC suggested early on in our recovery process, but it was just too soon and I was hurting too much. I'm glad I am at the point where I can make use of that advice and that I see good results from it.
Arright. Def bedtime. Rambling more than usual. Thanks for reading this far.
Replies