2009... whoop dee doo.

 As 2009 is coming to an end and a new year is about to begin, I think back to the year I've had. Though I should be so thankful for all that has come my way, the one thing that has made a permanent mark on the year was the pain. I'm twenty-one years old now and I can't help but feel like I've been robbed of so many years. This is heartbreaking. I want to live. But living like this is hell. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm sick of thinking about it all the time, feeling it all the time, and having it put a damper on every single thing in my life. This isn't fair. Neither is life, but this is hell on earth. I want it to stop but regardless of the countless times I beg for a miracle, I find myself cringing to every move I make and to every breath I take. I grind my teeth, hold my breath, and count to a thousand in the hopes I'll be able to find my way again. I never do. I lose myself. My happiness easily turns into anger. My good mood turns to crap. My hope lingers. This is pain. And those around me will never come close to understanding what I feel. What I have to go through just to wake up in the morning, to go to bed at night, to take a shower. This is not being lazy. This is pain. My heart is turning black. My love, my spirit, my soul is destroyed with every minute I have to feel this pain. My body wants to fight. Fight and argue with everyone and everything that comes into my path, and my heart is begging for the love and comfort my body never feels. I want this to stop. I wish I never had these words, these feelings, these emotions. I wish I could just stop and erase this moment in time because it's not something I want to think back to this time next year. I refuse to make new year's resolutions because I don't want anything but for this to go away. I'm losing the things I love because the bitterness this pain has filled me with... pushes everything away. It's all a choice. But a stabbing knife 24/7 makes you push away every single thing you care about. I hate this. I hate it so much and I would never wish this on anyone. Why won't it just let me be? Why can't I have a life where pain wasn't my number one concern. I need it to go away, because I'm slowly drowning in a life where I'm supposed to be happy. I'm losing myself. The person I used to be. I'm turning into an angry, bitter human being. I'm becoming a person I never wanted to be. I no longer have control. This damn pain defines me as a person and it's responsible for stealing the person I want to be. How is this fair? It's not. I want more. I want anything. I want this hell to leave. Why can't I just be!