2009 First Entry

I can't believe it's been a year since all this crazyness started, unreal. So here I am again...and I still dislike this place and the noisy a-holes down stairs. Nothing has really changed but everything is going to change. My girlfriend and I are going to discuss the best course of action today. She really likes this place and wants to buy me out. I do not want a dime. The fact that she is willing to take this place is a gift from God in my humble opinion. Not only do I not want any money I also want to pay for any and all expenses related to transferring the title and/or refinancing. I still love my girlfriend very much and I believe she feels the same but things just are not working. There is nothing bad happening, no cheating or fighting or anything like that, we have just grown apart. I feel bad because buying this place was my dumb idea to begin with but I thank God she likes it and we've paid a good portion of the loan together. We actually did the right thing and put 20% down plus make payments every month...what a concept! It feels like the liars and the thieves of this world get bailed out and get to do whatever they want while the majority of good people suffer in the wake of the filth of this world. I do truly believe this year everything is going to be "rung out". It's going to be painful but it's also going to be cleansing and I believe everyone and everything thing we know today will be different a year from now. I believe struggling couples will break up but be allowed to begin with a fresh start and a clean slate remembering all the good/bad lessons learned. I believe happy couples will get engaged and married to begin a new life together.  I believe some people will be promoted, some demoted and other unemployed all together but for every change will come a new beginning and a better life. Companies will fail but other will thrive. Good businesses will buy others, bad businesses will falter but in their failures existing will become stronger and anew will arise. Change is not always easy but necessary as every ending is a new beginnings end (I think that’s a song!).As for me I plan to get back to my KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid!) philosophy which I feel was abandoned in the past decade.  The new millennium for me has been an emotional roller coaster of which I hope to never ride again.  A decade of divorce, new jobs, lost jobs, better jobs, love lost, great love found but only to be lost again. A time of simplifying my life only to complicate beyond believe but reaching for too much and stretching my emotions too far as they finally broke in January 2008 but was on the brink well before that date. In hindsight that emotional break was the worst experience of my life yet the greatest opportunity God has every given me. I suffered for some may years without understanding anxiety/depression and never thinking that could be my issue. It took a major episode for me to realize my true problem and get help.  My girlfriend thinks I need more help, and she’s right,  but the truth is I really need a clean slate and if that requires more help then I will make it so. I need to put everything on the table…then push if all off. Like I stated above I believe this is a year to ring out everything. Getting rung out is painful at first but will truly be a new beginning for all. My biggest regret is losing someone I love so dear yet I have to believe if something is meant to be it will be. It appears we were not meant to be even though I felt we would be forever. Of course I felt my ex-wife and I would be forever too so maybe I’m not the best judge in the ways of the heart! Perhaps none of us are as we fall for people that are not always in our best interest and we hurt the one’s we love even when we are clueless to the act. Some people are mean and hateful to others on purpose but I believe in my heart that is a very small minority and most people hurt each other without malice or intent, only ignorance to their acts. I believe I’m the latter as I tried to hold on to someone I love because of the wonderful person she is but rather then holding on I only brought  her down as I became an emotional “vampire” or so it would seem. I feel letting go will allow us both to rise again as individuals and become better, stronger people. We will look back at this time and see this as the greatest turning point of our lives even though the near term will be painful. In the end I truly believe this year, 2009, will be the worst and the greatest year myself and everyone in this world will see. In 2010 I’ll revisit this letter and the seeds of a new beginning planted today in the apparent wake of destruction will have sprung into the gardens of tomorrow and a beautiful life.