I can't really explain how i feel right now. I kind of feel......nothin. I know I care...just not right now. He frustrates me so much. Even if he is wrong, he is so good at arguing with ppl to make it sound so good when he defends himself. He makes me wonder if he is right and i am wrong. But deep down i know all this is just some problem he has. Not that I haven't done anything wrong....but nothing to act the way he does. I truly feel like he is a caring person deep down. I just think..or actually I know he has MAJOR trust issues. Also think he has issues with himself even thought he doesnt show it. Dreams he never got to accomplish and he isnt where he wants to be in his life. It makes me feel bad because we could have been good together if he didnt have so much anger. Its like I know im not the reason it didnt work out, but he blames me for things and he is so good at arguing sometimes i think I am to blame. He says its not all my fault but thats how he makes it sound.     I want to do something with my life. I go to college full time and have my own apt that i pay for by myself. I guess thats something to be proud of since im only 18. But it just isnt enough. I want to have fun. I haven't had real fun in soooo long! I want to laugh so hard until I cry, I can't remember the last time i had a really good laugh. I don't know how i can do that though.... I dont have any friends. I have my family but we don't do stuff thats really fun. Usually when i go home my brother and i just sit there....bored. Idk maybe time will change everything.....heck it obviously changed my relationship...... just changed it in the wrong way.  Oh and another thing..... my birthday is next month and it depresses me because i dont want anymore birthdays! I want to be 18 for the rest of my life. I dont want to get old. My life got worse and worse the older i get and i hate it. Its too much stress when your old. I would be perfectly happy being 18 forever..... i actually wish I could go back when I was 8 yrs old.... those were the goood days!!!