2006 A Tragic Year

2006 has been a very bad year... I lost my grandma in January... the truth though is in a way I lost my grandma a couple of years ago... she couldn't read my letters even though I typed them in large bold print... she couldn't hear me when I called and so finally I quit trying... I should not have... she lived in Arkansas and I didn't go visit... I saw her in November last year and I had to back out of the room when I first went to see her as the devastation of age was so awful... I just started crying and backed out of the room... my aunt bless her did not take offence but told me she often had to leave the room to go cry even though she was there to see her nearly every day... prior to that it was April of 1995... 10 years since I'd seen her although I had been in contact with her by phone and letters I hadn't seen her... so in a way I lost grandma a long time ago... In April my mom Cara died... she'd been in pain for a long time and although I hated not being able to keep her for my comfort I had to accept and be grateful that she is no longer suffering... she told us Friday April 21st that she wanted to go... she said maybe she hadn't done enough but that she wanted us to let her go... her kidneys were failing and they wanted to start her on dialysis but she told the nurses over and over that she didn't want it... so when the dr came in we told her that we would respect our mother's wishes. So the dr went in to ask her and that's when mom told her she didn't want the dialysis and she wanted us to let her go... so we did as she wanted and the next morning we held her as she took her last shuddering breaths... I had been sitting by her and finally around 6am I found the strength to do what I had never been able to do before... I prayed for God to release her... As hard as it was I'm glad I kept my promise to mama and respected her final wishes... Mama was only 70 and for many people there are still a lot of good years left... but for her as for others there were not... While these things were going on with mama, Cara my daughter who was named after her grandmother was coming apart... All my days off were spent either going to see mama or going to see if I could help my daughter... I never thought I'd see the time that my daughter wouldn't be there for me... She couldn't be there for herself and she couldn't be there for anyone else... On October 30th Cara died... her struggle has ended... mine has just begun. I have written a lot about my daughter's death... I've written so much in my journal that if you didn't see it at the time its way to aggravating to read the whole thing... anyway I'd be grateful if you could find it in your heart to read my journal entry for 12/11... there are two... I don't remember what the other one's about... I think maybe for children of divorce... as I said at one time in my journal maybe some folks think I'm just very imaginative... I've lived through a lot... sad as it is to know... many children have lived through much more... and I say children on purpose... because we are all someone's children whether our parents are alive or dead... whether we were put up for adoption... or just barely put up with... I'm a lucky child... I never doubted that my parents loved me... even my poor dad who beat us... I know he was sick and I forgave him long ago... In regards to 2006 I won't say I'm not complaining... but I know that terrible things happen and sometimes good things can come out of them... That is my prayer...