CarrieAnn, that great inspirational figure, has a list posted today that she wrote last year.  It is things she wished people knew about women and infertility.  I want to send it to everyone I've ever met, especially my friends with new babies who I've been acting strange around for the last two years. As an addendum to her fabulous list, I wanted to develop a list of pointers for Friends of Infertiles.  Here's what they SHOULD say:- you're thinking about them.- you're sad they're feeling bad.- you know you can't understand what they're going through.  - you're there for them and willing to listen.- you'll pray for them, or cross your fingers, or send them good vibes.- Invite them to hang out, but (especially if you have kids or the event would include kids), don't feel insulted when they decline. Here's what they should NOT say:- Nothing. - "Just relax./ Don't worry."  (These are impossible commands to fulfill, and they are insultingly dismissive).- jokes about how trying to conceive involves of sex, and should therefore be naughty and fun. - "You're lucky; my kids are driving me crazy."/ "Being a mother is so much work; I wish I could go back to when it was just the two of us." (This is like opening your car door in traffic without looking, and having a passing bicyclist smash into it.  We're the passing cyclists and your door hurts a whole, whole lot).- "Have you considered adoption?"/ "It doesn't matter where your baby comes from." (This is tantamount to giving up.  Adoption is better than no baby, but the experience of pregnancy and labor, and the creation of a being with your and your partner's genes, is the part of parenthood that is ingrained in our primordial selves).- "I'm sure it will happen because you'd be such a good mother" (Tying fertility to merit is not a good business, even for those of us who supremely deserve it).- "Just put your hips on a pillow."/ "Have you used one of those ovulation predictor kits?"/ "What you do is take your temperature every morning..." (We're ahead of you).- "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be; have you considered living a childless life?" (Just shoot us now). Here's what they should not be offended by:- Our declining their invitations.- Our not calling them.- Our leaving functions early or not showing up at all.- Our letting their bundles of joy come between us and them.- Our letting our infertility and/or their fertility change things.- Our lack of sympathy to the strains of parenting.- Our not wanting to talk about it.- Our wanting to talk about it all the time.- Really anything we do.  We're likely to be angrier, fatter, poorer, bitterer, more depressed, less tolerant, moodier than we've ever been before.  And it's not our fault.  Really, really not.  It's just that this sadness, this process, is inconceivable.