I want to talk about my experience with Daily Strength this year.  I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, and I probably won't, since we have all gone through so many of the same emotions.  But if you are inclined to feel bad, please don't.  You know how hard it is to be in our boat. I was very active on here while I was doing my IVF last summer and fall, and then when I took a break from the reproductive arts, I took a break from DS.  This January I came back because I was starting up again.  I started to look up all my cyber-friends, to see how they were doing.  To my, well, what should be great pleasure but was really devastating horror, I saw that more than 50% of them were pregnant.  And a few even had BABIES.  Are you kidding me?  Babies!?  They had shared pictures of ultrasounds, newborns, and most tantalizingly, big bellies.  There was a new support group designation Pregnancy after Invertility/Miscarriage.  But how could they still be linked to me, back in the sad lands of Infertility? I was crushed.  I immediately left my desk and to go for a walk.  I wanted to go as far as I could - to get away from my feelings.  I found a bookstore and walked to the very back section, where I tried to bury myself in a book.  I hated to have to come out of there at all, and when I did, I passed by a book about "Pregnancy after 35."  I'm 35 and, you know, not pregnant.  I crumpled some more.  Before I could go back to the office, I felt the intense urge to eat a whole cake, maybe a whole pot full of macaroni and cheese.  Maybe 90 snickers bars.  I hope that I settled for a Diet Coke, but I don't really remember. I felt the shock of betrayal.  You know that I am rooting for everybody, and I want to be really happy when every one of us gets pregnant.  And in part I am.  But you know about the other part, which does not use logic or generosity of spirit.  I felt tremendous panic that my one safe place, my sanctuary, where all of my friends were going through exactly the same thing as I was, had turned into a place where lots of my friends were pregnant.  Just like the real world.  I cried and cried.   I despaired that everyone else was pulling themselves out of infertility, but I was still here, still trying, still agonizing. It took some time to get over that.  For a month I just used DS as a place to get my feelings out and sort them out through writing.  But yesterday I had a really good experience that changed everything. Out of boredom, I decided to look at my friends' profiles again, to see what they were up to.  I thought I was strong enough, since I was prepared this time.  I clicked on avatar after avatar, and up came pictures of ultrasounds and discussions of amniosyntesis (sp?).  But then I got to CarrieAnn's site, with pictures of her newborn, and her original profile caught my eye.  It said, "Married for 7 years, TTC for 6."  And I remembered: these women are not my rivals: they are me!  I became so very, very thankful that CarrieAnn could finally get her baby.   And then I saw that KerryW had just found out that her baby is going to be a girl.  KerryW, who was so supportive to me back when I started, and whose pictures of gardens had convinced me last year that she would be a nurturing, creative mother.  Now she gets her daughter!  The real message is that it can all work out.  The darkest hour is just before the two pink lines.  We're all just in different time zones. I feel so much better to have hope.  And I feel so much better to be loving you all again.  That's the only way to feel about all of you, my sisters. 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Kay--You bring me to tears today. You\'re right about the darkest hour before the two pink lines... it will be our turn soon, I feel it. :) And, on a really positive note, in two weeks or so you and I will be bonding even more over a decadent dessert..or even two!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

What kind and honest words! I found DS exactly one year ago when it was a new website. I was so thankful to find other women doing through hell on earth like myself. I was desperate for help and we were almost 5 years deep into trying to conceive. I admit I had pangs of jealousy when another member received their good news. I was also happy and inspired. My hope ran very thin as we went through our last ivf. I didn\'t feel secure in my pregnancy until late. I always felt my dreams could be taken away at any moment. Your persistence will pay off. You will find a way.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You are such an amazing, strong, and articulate person. I\'m glad you were able to find hope and strength from the experiences of your DS friends. Someday soon, you will be the one providing strength and hope and inspiration to the other women here who will still be waiting for their BFP\'s as you share your experiences w/ ultrasounds, growing belly, and your sweet baby/ies. Even as we pass each new milestone, a part of me still has fears and wonders about the horrible \"what ifs\" that could still strike and take my little baby away. I don\'t think that ever goes away....
deleted_user
deleted_user

OMG, thank you for posting this. I felt the same way, even here in DS I was being left behind. Yes, CarrieAnn\'s story is very inspiring and some women who have been TTC for a long time and got pregnant. I wish it would get easier. I don\'t check DS too as much as before but I consider the women here strong and inspirations. I hope our time will come soon, I want to post my ultrasounds already LOL. =)
deleted_user
deleted_user

What you said makes a lot of sense. I think in life in general the less bitter we are and more thankful for what we DO have, the more chance there is that what we want will happen. Believe me, your wishes will come true in some way shape or form once you surrender to fact that what is meant to happen will happen in due time. I can\'t wait to congratulate you when your time comes. And believe me, I will be on here AGAIN when doing these fertility treatments again in another year or so, and I hope to be inspired by everyone again as well as reassured and comforted.
deleted_user
deleted_user

WOW, YOU MADE ME CRY... THOSE BABY PICS, FOR ME, ARE MY STRENGTH. THEY ARE WHAT KEEP ME GOING. WHEN CARRIEANN POSTED A PIC OF HER LITTLE CHARLIE WITH HIS EYES LOOKING AT US, I KNEW THAT I WILL FIGHT THIS BATTLE AND NEVER LOOK BACK....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh Kay,-You sure read my mind. After I had the failed IUI and thought we were going to definetly pursue adoption I would log on to DS and see all my friends were PG and sharing the good news. Although I was so happy for each and everyone of them...I prayed about it every night and I even asked God to bless me has he had my friends on DS. As I look at CarrieAnn\'s story I feel that there is hope(this is a woman who did several IVF attempts and never gave up..I hope to be as strong as she. Her story just like all of ours are a testimony...all may be different but all are unique. I would have never thought me & my DH could even think of doing IFV b/c of the cost and my fear of needles..but I feel that God would not have allowed me to come this far and go through all of this to not have a positive outcome. I also feel the same for every women on DS who too desire to be moms...it will and shall happen....I wish all of us the best in strength and endurance...Stay strong Kay!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I think every person on DS who has struggled with this beast of infertility knows exactly how you feel. I didn\'t joing this community until well into our IF journey, when the real fear that nothing may work started to set in. We all went through so much, and I know that I felt great joy yet such sadness when my DS friends finally had a treatment that worked for them and they got their miracle and I didn\'t. It always boiled down to making me want to try more and gave me hope. I do feel guilt sometimes posting about my Preg. on here, since I know my friends who haven\'t been able to conceive yet may be hurt. I know your crushing pain when a treatment doesn\'t work, and it brings me to tears to read about the failures and the despair. I also am hoping that I can give a little hope back though too. Infertility is one of those experiences that only those who suffer through it will ever understand, and I thank God I found my friends on DS (including you!!) who help me through. It makes us stronger, I truly believe that. It will happen for you yet, don\'t give up....And don\'t give up hope!
deleted_user
deleted_user

There was a time when I first came to DS when I couldn\'t even click on a BFP message and congratulate them. I was jealous and happy at the same time. It gave me hope, but then there was that fear that I\'d never get to type those letters. And when things got desperate and almost hopeless and my only hope was IVF (which scared the crap out of me) I would read your posts and be inspired by the graceful and funny way you handled your IVF treatment. So I dove in and tried it too. I just got lucky. I also feel guilty posting about my success, but I feel safe here. When I venture out to the regular pregnancy boards...I feel like a war veteran in a gang of teenagers.
You are wise and deserve to get want you want. I wish it for you so much. Thanks for being honest- you\'re so strong.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'ve gone through all the same feelings....why them? It\'s never wrong to have those feelings....especially if you are happy for them at the same time. You are a very strong woman that can make it through anything.