Yesterday I had three baby experiences: one good, one bad, and one imagined.The good experience was that I saw pictures of a new baby born to one of my 4 friends (pre-DS friends) who has gone through IVF.  I studied the baby's picture closely.  Looked just like any other baby.  Except that he was a scientific miracle.  Man-made.  Wow.  I was so happy for his mom and dad.The bad experience was that some of my best friends sent out an email with pictures of their new baby's first month.  In the pictures I saw my friends enjoying their baby, and lots of mutual friends taking silly pictures on their visits to see this new little girl.  So much happiness, and I'm excluded from it because 1) I haven't been able to get pregnant, and 2) I've isolated myself from the world of the fertile because the baby-part of my psyche hurts so much.  So I don't get to see their baby, and I don't get to be with my friends.  It's awful.  And at least part of it is my fault.  Getting the email was like being punched in the stomach.The imagined experience with a baby was in a dream I had last night.  My neighbor Wendy, who in real life refers to babies as "little monsters," had a newborn boy dressed in a blue onesy, whom I was asked to babysit.  I held him, laid him on the bed, admired how he smelled, looked, felt, and slept.  Even though I have always wanted a girl, I loved this little boy and wanted him.  He was lying with the side of his face on the bed and his diapered bottom up in the air like babies do.  He inched over to the side of the bed, and I made sure he didn't fall off.  I thought of the metal guard that my mother-in-law is saving in her attic, to attach to beds to keep visiting babies from falling onto host floors.  Then I left and went to bed myself.  The next morning I was horrified to realize that I'd left this sleeping angel next door by itself all night.  I couldn't go and get him right away because my husband and I were stuck in a bathtub (a tangent in the dream).  When we did get to Wendy's house, she was home, her boy was now a toddler, and I tried to make her think that I'd actually looked after him.  But I knew that he was now old enough to tell his mother that he'd been abandoned.  I hoped he would forget that fact and no one would know how irresponsible I was.  From there I went on to a recurrent dream where I get to college for a new semester but can't find my friends.  I've been having this dream for the last few months.  In the dream I can't find them because my cell phone doesn't work, or I don't remember my voicemail password, or I can't find my keys, or my eyes are bleary and I can't see, or they've all gone out to a party without me.  It's worth noting that, in real life, many of these friends have had babies.  How I wish.