20/03 Bad Place

Finding things difficult at the moment. In a really awful place. Finding simple tasks like washing and cleaning overwhelming and extremly difficult to start let alone complete. im either not sleeping at all or sleeping for days, spent a full two days in the dark on the couch unable to do anything. Over that period i didnt eat for 4 days which i know didnt help. Im getting upset at the littlest thing and when i start i quickly escalate to thoughts of death and suicide. I havent acted on these thoughts but i am definitly having terrible, hurtful thoughts. I understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and it doesnt stop the pain it just passes it on to your loved ones but i cant help these thoughts from creeping in. Im terrified that these thoughts are normalising as something that was once so removed and alien is becoming part of my thought process. Its always there. It is very frightening. Im trying to do better, to be better but im having panic attacks which occur throughout the day, sometimes in waves, sometimes just one prolonged atttack. Im shaking and rocking, i use self soothing and breathing techniques but they only get you so far. Feeling extremely lost and cant see a way around my problems. Im just getting through the hours, surviving not living.