2 years
Well here it is, 2 years since dday. My last journal entry was one year ago, yet I could simply copy and paste.
While many things in life have changed: my youngest is away at school, oldest finances back on track and moved back out, so son is only one home, he's going to school, and I am going to school, for the most part things have stayed the same. I mean, it's 3 am and I'm awake because I had a nightmare.
I was on meds for a while, had its pros and cons, not on any now for a long while. On the surface life seems 'normal', I put one foot in front of the other and do my 'job' as wife and mom, go to class, do my homework, but still mostly I feel numb. We live in a 'pretend it never happened' bubble. We don't talk about it. Ever. But it's in my head. Always.
Miserable, but lacking motivation to change anything.
Sigh,,,, two years.
While many things in life have changed: my youngest is away at school, oldest finances back on track and moved back out, so son is only one home, he's going to school, and I am going to school, for the most part things have stayed the same. I mean, it's 3 am and I'm awake because I had a nightmare.
I was on meds for a while, had its pros and cons, not on any now for a long while. On the surface life seems 'normal', I put one foot in front of the other and do my 'job' as wife and mom, go to class, do my homework, but still mostly I feel numb. We live in a 'pretend it never happened' bubble. We don't talk about it. Ever. But it's in my head. Always.
Miserable, but lacking motivation to change anything.
Sigh,,,, two years.
Replies
I remember year 2 being so much harder than the first year - it seemed like a long period of waiting and stagnating and not making much progress in any direction. Year 3 was a LOT easier.
Hang in there! Sending you good vibes and hoping for a much better year for you.
Hi Kansas, I wish things were better by now. Rug sweeping kind of halts progress and causes festering; inhibits true intimacy. Cole and I still talk about it quite a lot. It just comes up and we don\'t avoid it. Probably your H wants to rug sweep and you just don\'t have the emotional strength to do anything but go along with it. I hope at some point you find the strength to insist on true work and healing. Don\'t ever be afraid to drag it back out when the time is right just because too much time has passed. It doesn\'t matter. Your healing is on a pause. It will remain paused until it is unpaused. The passage of time doesn\'t change much when pause is on. It was your H\'s job to do whatever it takes to help you heal and he didn\'t do it. He did, instead, what made him feel better, which was to put it away. If he could catch a vision that helping you heal would mean such a better marriage for him, I bet he would go for it. He would just need to know what to do. Men are like that. If they know what to do and feel that they can be successful, they will gladly do it. They are fixers. If he thinks creating the bubble was a fix, he is sorely mistaken.
I\'m sad to hear it, but there is always hope for better when the time is right.
Can\'t thank you enough for all the support you gave me those two long years ago. I wouldn\'t have survived with you.
I wish things were better for you and I suspect if my story hadn\'t gone the way it did, I would be in the same place. I am actually thankful for the external motivation of his continued cheating to be able to move on. The holding pattern (although it was only 7 months for me) is excruciating. Any thoughts about why you lack the motivation to change anything? What sort of motivation (besides the external crappy kind like I had) would it take for a change? Going to school shows BIG motivation for change and grabbing a hold of your life.
Big hugs and I\'m proud of you for all the grace and bravery you\'ve shown through all this.
Thinking of you and hoping you can get out of this holding pattern. I do get it though it is how to survive each day. I just hope you don`t look back with regrets.Going to school is a good thing and may be just the change you need. Hugs Kansas I think of you often.