2 YEARS?!!
Bad day at work yesterday. It's been a long time since I've had one. But because my attitude stinks lately, I'm trying to stay positive, trying to do my job well. To make sure, I sent the boss an email letting him know customers were really unhappy about a policy we had in effect yesterday. It happens every year and in essence, I was just covering my butt so that when he gets the complaints he knows ahead of time. In reply, I received a snotty message that he thinks it's just me complaining. Whatever.
But you know, it made me anxious. Made me feel like I don't fit in. A stupid feeling that's completely untrue... I've always been sensitive to that. And in the past I spoke to my X about those feelings - it was one of those times where something just wasn't right.... he replied to me that he NEVER felt bad about other people, that all other people were assholes, he said. I used to admire him for that - didn't realize that was part of his mental illness. The reason he didn't care was because he truly didn't, couldn't. Me, well I just can't turn it off.... I guess I'm too sensitive and too caring on the other side of the coin....
So right after work yesterday, I ran over to Walmart. And ran into David's rehab counselor. She obviously wanted to know what happened. When I told her the details and answered her "how ya doing" question, she told me 2 years.... expect the grief to linger 2 years. AND THEN she said that my suspicions about why my X bought a gun just months before he died was true.... she called it spiraling. Sometimes hearing someone else say it makes it all more real and so much more scary. UGH. Not only did it raise my anxiety, but I can't imagine going through these horrible emotions/memories for 2 more years! I know it's going to get better over time... I know that the more I move forward, the faster it will happen... she offered free counseling if I need it....
And so... moving forward... I finished fixing that sink last night. I AM SO PROUD of myself! I actually had to CHISEL the old one to get it off the sink. I barely fit under the cabinet and my arms were killing me by the time I was done. But as soon as I got it off, the new one was on within minutes, and NO LEAKS! YAY!
AND, it's been thunderstorming.... yesterday & today... camper still leaked after I caulked it. So I did more caulking today - soon as this golf ball sized hail quits, I'll go check to see if it worked. And it leaked downstairs in my office yesterday.... down the wall, onto my monitor, across to the edge of the desk and right into my keyboard. UGH. I don't want to buy a new computer. So I dumped out the water, set it hanging upside down all night.... and IT WORKS TODAY! Another YAY!
And so, I'm about to get to work on the dog business stuff as soon as I'm offline. BABY STEPS FORWARD! LATER!
But you know, it made me anxious. Made me feel like I don't fit in. A stupid feeling that's completely untrue... I've always been sensitive to that. And in the past I spoke to my X about those feelings - it was one of those times where something just wasn't right.... he replied to me that he NEVER felt bad about other people, that all other people were assholes, he said. I used to admire him for that - didn't realize that was part of his mental illness. The reason he didn't care was because he truly didn't, couldn't. Me, well I just can't turn it off.... I guess I'm too sensitive and too caring on the other side of the coin....
So right after work yesterday, I ran over to Walmart. And ran into David's rehab counselor. She obviously wanted to know what happened. When I told her the details and answered her "how ya doing" question, she told me 2 years.... expect the grief to linger 2 years. AND THEN she said that my suspicions about why my X bought a gun just months before he died was true.... she called it spiraling. Sometimes hearing someone else say it makes it all more real and so much more scary. UGH. Not only did it raise my anxiety, but I can't imagine going through these horrible emotions/memories for 2 more years! I know it's going to get better over time... I know that the more I move forward, the faster it will happen... she offered free counseling if I need it....
And so... moving forward... I finished fixing that sink last night. I AM SO PROUD of myself! I actually had to CHISEL the old one to get it off the sink. I barely fit under the cabinet and my arms were killing me by the time I was done. But as soon as I got it off, the new one was on within minutes, and NO LEAKS! YAY!
AND, it's been thunderstorming.... yesterday & today... camper still leaked after I caulked it. So I did more caulking today - soon as this golf ball sized hail quits, I'll go check to see if it worked. And it leaked downstairs in my office yesterday.... down the wall, onto my monitor, across to the edge of the desk and right into my keyboard. UGH. I don't want to buy a new computer. So I dumped out the water, set it hanging upside down all night.... and IT WORKS TODAY! Another YAY!
And so, I'm about to get to work on the dog business stuff as soon as I'm offline. BABY STEPS FORWARD! LATER!
Replies
AHA! Camper is FIXED! They had missed caulking around the front window and along the side panel joints... AND this storm just presented the problem with the leaking basement - broken gutters! I have 2 extras in the backyard so I\'ll be tree trimming and replacing them tomorrow! YAY!
You are not really too sensitive, but you do need to learn how to react and handle your sensitivity to whatever. At least that\'s my opinion. I think you are doing a great job of moving forward. I am so glad you found the leak and got it all fixed up!!! More baby steps!!! (((HUGS)))
Baby steps are good and I think a more permanent move forward to your new life. You might want to take that offer from David\'s rehab counselor for some free therapy. It\'s always nice to have someone else to talk to.
You are so good at fixing things. Keep working towards having the dog business in your new life.
Unfortunately, there are no short cuts through the emotional grief and recovery. If we do not do the work, feel what we need to feel, we get later what I call a \'\'long-cut\'\' meaning we have an extra long road to walk.
So take your time. Feel what you feel for as long as is needed. That is how we re-build our lives. Reach out for that free counseling when it is needed.
I am going to keep the 2 year marker time frame in mind.