2 Successes Today Yeah

I went back to my therapist today for an extra session because one week I won’t be there at all and I need to start working on my next trip.  I did thank her for seeing me.  She said she had that block of time open.  When I came in and was sitting down she commented how I’m going to get tired seeing her.  I shot back that she’ll get tired of seeing me.  I told her at least tomorrow I don’t have to talk.  She asked if I’m watching both kids, like a big task.  Yes.  She said I just have to play tomorrow.  Yeah.  I told her I’m still recuperating from yesterday.  “You are?” she asked and then asked how that was for me.  I told her it was really hard.  I don’t think I’ve ever had an accident in shorts with her before.  She wondered if I pushed myself a little too far.  Don’t know.  She said how she didn’t want this to be traumatic for me.  I said it wasn’t traumatic just very embarrassing.  She said embarrassing is OK – everyone gets embarrassed about things they might do.  I said especially having to go back downstairs to clean it up.  She nodded like she understood.  I did mention in Mexico if it happens I will probably have shorts on.  Later I did tell her I didn’t feel the shame - just embarrassed.  She said that’s OK – embarrassment is OK but not shame.  I do feel the shame sometimes but this time I didn’t and that was great.  She asked me what the difference is between shame and embarrassment.  I told her that shame is I’m a bad person.  Embarrassment is more like, ‘Oh my God look what I did’.  Before I left I told her I was thinking that I wonder why.  I told her I owe it to her.  She’s very calm about it and has never has shamed me.  She shows me that it’s OK.  So I feel OK and calm.  If I was with someone else not calm about it it would be harder.  See, how good she is with me.  I can’t remember why she said it but early in the session she commented how I don’t drink very much water.  I told her I’m getting better.  Well, some days.  I go in spurts.   I told her I need successes today and I’ll probably need to go to the bathroom 2 times.  I want to go next door when I need to go to the bathroom and just walk up and down an isle or two and come right back.  Then the next time I want to go outside in back and walk around the circle one time and come back.  She asked me where I wanted to go to the bathroom on each.  Do I want to go in the store, back here, downstairs?  I told her I didn’t know.  We’ll see when we do it.    So I told her I need to talk about a couple things that happened last night before we talk about the trip.  I started with going to my granddaughter’s rehabilitation center last night for her physical therapy.  She’s been asking me to come and to her chemo, too.  After I went into that big room with the plaques with my best friend’s (who died) name on them.  I told her I didn’t know what was going to happen.  But there were people in there and I think that’s why I didn’t cry.  She said it would be alright to cry.  I said, oh I have done that before.    I told her that my granddaughter still does the overly “My Nana, I missed you,” with all the hugs and everything.  I wish I had a camera so she can see.  It’s to the extreme but I’m not going to tell her no.  My daughter’s boyfriend said she was dirty and stinky (yuck) but I don’t know why.  She has to show everyone me and tell everyone everything, and show them her little thing with me too (“My Nana, My Nana”).  She said she has to know her limits and they are trying to work on the manipulation stuff (I knew that but I’m surprised she told me) she does from all the attention she gets from her illness and her wonderful smile.  She’s very manipulative and very smart: can write names, letters, etc.  She’s only 4.    Then I needed to go to the bathroom.  So we went right away (I didn’t want to wait) next door.  On the way I told her about my son going to the baseball thing and what a great time he had and he even called me.  How it makes me sad because my Dad was such a baseball fan but my son carries the legend on.    We got over there and she just followed my lead from going in the door and around the store.  I went up one isle and then down another.  She asked me if I know very many people who shop there (she knows I always look around to see if I see anyone I know) and I said no – not too many - and explained what kind of people do.  She commented about it being more expensive.  Yes – it is.  I commented how I didn’t know they carried a certain product.  I was going to leave but thought I’d show her an example of the higher prices and did.  We walked over to a can of tomato soup that was 2.49 when you can get it for .79.  We walked away.  I told her, “We better go,” and we did.  I’m surprised how long we stayed and she just took my cues and followed me.  Sometimes she’s ready to go real quick not knowing what was going to happen.    So we walked out.  I told her when we just left that I want to go back Thursday or Monday and buy something.  In the parking lot almost up to the door of our building I told her how it’s getting harder.  She asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom upstairs or downstairs.  I couldn’t think and just said, “I don’t know.”  She said downstairs so down the steps we went.  I commented how I have to go back down that hallway again.  When we were down the steps I peeked down the hallway to see if the door was open or shut.  It was shut.  I said,  “Yes!”  She knew what I meant without having to look herself and said, “Good.”  I went to the bathroom while she waited for me down the hallway by the stairs.    I came out and we just walked up the stairs together.  She didn’t ask anything I guess just assumed it was a success because I didn’t say or act like it wasn’t.  Walking up the second set of stairs she asked me what I was going to do for the rest of the day (she’s never asked me that) and quickly switched it and just asked me if I was going to watch the game tonight.  Yes.  She asked if my son is coming over.  No, he’ll be with friends.  I commented how we get our exercise.  She said it’s a good thing that store is right next door and also they don’t know anything about what we are doing there.  Yes.  And, we don’t go there very often – just once in a while.    So we got back into her office.  A success – yeah!  That was good.  I needed that.  We talked more about my daughter’s boyfriend and the vegan thing about getting real sick if you eat meat that he thinks.  He said my daughter did Friday night.  I told my therapist I didn’t want to argue with him there but it was probably something else.  I asked her if it’s true and if she eats meat.  She said she eats meat but not a lot (me, too) and once she tried several years ago to be a vegetarian but it didn’t work out with her system – she kept getting sick.  I said whatever they want to do is fine but I still eat my meat sometimes.  She didn’t think it was true like that.  I told her about my son so far away calling me this morning wanting me to look up sepsis (because my husband said it) and things for him and being very impatient and not wanting to hold on.  He can’t hold the phone anymore.  Yeah right!  I made him stay on with me.  I mentioned a Medicare program in his state, looked it up, he had nothing to write anything down with so I texted the phone numbers to him.  Then he was nicer and more appreciative to me.  He does that – like at first he has to make his point.  My therapist said he can go to the hospital, get care and they can help him fill out the paperwork.  So I decided to call him and tell him.  I couldn’t get him, I called back, he called me back, we got disconnected.  It’s so frustrating.  I tried to call him back several times and he didn’t answer.  I didn’t know if he hung up on me on purpose – asked her what she thought and she said maybe – but I don’t think he did because that’s not like him.  I finally got him and he’s telling me he can fill out the paper work and such himself.  In other words, thank you but no thank you.  My therapist asked if he talked that way to others because he can be so abusive to me.  I’m not sure.  He’s not very close to his sister and brother and I preach that all the time.  She said maybe later when they have their own families.  When I hung up I told her, “You’re right – he’s stubborn”.  I said there’s nothing more I can do – I tried.  Right.  Then we started talking about my upcoming trip.  I asked her about customs and the lines and bathrooms.  She thinks there should be bathrooms around.  I said my travel agent said to plan for an hour.  They are so strict they will take your cell phone away from you if you use it.  She asked me if I’m worried about having to go to the bathroom during that time.  Yes.  She said my husband could stand in my place in line.  I told her how I went to see my daughter right after 911 and I had to ask nice people to watch my stuff when I went.  She wasn’t sure about all the customs stuff and she went through the large terminal – not the smaller one where we will be.  But she said I’ll have to go through customs there and the country she went to they treated the guests better than the people who live there.  I said in Cancun we are probably all guests.  True.  I also had told her that Starbucks opens at 5 AM and what ever you get there you have to finish and can’t take on the plane with you.  My travel agent’s son just filled up a water bottle and instead of dumping it out he drank the whole thing.  He had to go to the bathroom on the plane and he wouldn’t go.  I asked her why he didn’t just go on the plane and she said he’s like that.  I said, “Can you imagine if I did that?”  She said it’s interesting how she told me that story not knowing anything about me.  Yes, nothing!  We talked about the trips and transportation and busses and such.  At one point I needed to go to the bathroom again and told her.  But I’ll finish what all we talked about and then get back to what happened when I needed to go again.  We said how I should go to the bathroom on the plane.  Any worries there?  No except there might be turbulence (I hope not) and you can’t go.  I told her coming back from LA in 2004 there was bad turbulence.  We went through a storm, tornadoes, and the plane got so quiet.  I thought the girl next to me was going to throw up (oh no).  Or there might be lines.  Maybe just 2 bathrooms on the plane but she said she knows I’ll check that out right away.  Yes.  I told her I will try to go before I need to go.  I should go before I get off the plane, too she told me.  Then we talked about the transportation to the hotel.  They say 45 minutes.  But it may take longer or we might get into traffic or have to drop others off or sit there when other people come on before we even leave.  She suggests I wear a medium protection thing.  I didn’t want to bring anything with me.  She said to change in the airport before we leave to go to the hotel since I told her I didn’t want to wear it the whole time.  She said I can’t ask for the driver to stop.    We also got into this discussion about them opening up bags and checking because they do that.  Yes.  And they might open up cases if I put them inside.  She said it’s just embarrassment and that’s OK.  She guesses they are discreet about it.  People bring all sorts of things.  I told her I’m private about those things.  She knows.  I told her about the time I was at a bingo and was 7,8 or 9 and pulled out my Mom’s hot water bottle.  She didn’t let me live that one down for a long time.  We talked about going places outside of the hotel.  The ruins are very far away – 2-3 hours.  She went to something in England (Stonehedge maybe) like that and she said to check to see, online, if there’s a visitor’s center and they’ll be bathrooms there.  We had been talking about the busses and wondering if there were bathrooms or not.  My travel agent said they were air conditioned but didn’t know about the bathroom because she didn’t have to use it.  My therapist said to check when I get there.  I told her how my husband and I like to go and do things.  Not just sit around.   I asked her about busses in El Salvador and she said they were like old school busses – no bathrooms.  She did remember one person got off to go to the bathroom and somehow caught up.  She doesn’t recall what happened though.  We laughed when I said about her running after the bus, ‘Wait for me!’  So back to when I needed to go to the bathroom again.  I told her I didn’t want to wait – I wanted to go now.  I didn’t want to take any chances.  I jokingly said back to the ‘scene of the accident.’  She chuckled.  So we went back downstairs and I commented on her cruise she’ll be taking.  I told her they are fun and I went on one a long time ago.  She asked me if I took motion sickness medicine with me.  I said we got some there at the nurse.  She mentioned a patch – no pills.    I guess I walked ahead of her on this one, too once we got downstairs.  I think we were next to each other on the first flight of stairs.  We go to the door to go outside, I put my hand on it to open it and hesitated.  I said, “Wait, her name, I don’t think I can do this?”  I think she replied back, “How are you doing?  Do you want to go back?”  I think she thought I was going to have an accident because I said that one other time, going over to the store, and did.  I hesitated just a second and said, “No, I want to do this.  I need to do this.”  When she realized I just got scared and we didn’t have to go back inside for me to go she said, “We’ll just walk around one time.”  I hesitated but walked out with her.  I was scared to do it.  It all went so fast but that’s good because I didn’t have a chance to hesitate more with her just going out there with me and starting to walk.  So we walked, I tightened up the circle at one point.  I asked her if she thought she was going to get sick on the cruise.  She said no, just in case.  So we finished the circle and went back inside.  On the way back in I told her about getting your sea legs back and she asked me how long it takes.  Not that long.  I was glad she was asking me questions about things for a change but I didn’t say.    We went back inside and she asked me if I wanted to go to the bathroom downstairs or upstairs.  I thought a second and said upstairs.  So we walked up the stairs.  I can’t remember what we talked about.  We got into her office and the same lady was sitting there when we left this time but no one spoke, I don’t think she even looked up but I’m not sure.  I don’t know who she was waiting for.  But when I left she said a quick hi to me and so did another lady walking up the stairs.  I don’t know if she works in the building too (another therapist) and she recognized me the other day with my therapist or if she goes to someone in my therapist’s office.  She looked familiar to me and the way she said hi, she recognized me too.  So I followed her back into her office (this time she went in first, I think the last time I did).  When we got into her office she asked me, “Are you going to the bathroom?”  I think she was surprised I didn’t just go in there when we passed it.  “One more minute,” I said, “One more,” as I sat down on the couch not relaxed at all.  “Now don’t push yourself too much,” she told me.  Well my minute turned into about 10 seconds and I said, “Yeah, I better go,” stood up and went.  I came back and yes – another success!  She was glad I worked through that fear and pushed to do it when we were downstairs about to go out the door.  Me, too.  She said we erased all the bad stuff (from yesterday) now.  It’s all gone.  We talked a bit about what happened at the door.  She asked me if I was surprised I acted in that way.  Yes.  She was, too.  She said it was the same doorway as yesterday where I hesitated after having an accident.  I said it was.  Although I was coming from the other direction it was where I had to stand and hesitate a little because it was still dripping – which didn’t completely work anyway.  I told her if I was still going I don’t think I would have come inside.  I would have stood out there and waited.  So all those drip drops could have been worse.  Yes.  She said how they cleaned it all up.  She said it looked like they had and she noticed the rug was moved.  I asked if they knew anything.  No.  She said they clean every evening.  And the girl didn’t know anything either she told me.  I bet she wondered what I was doing, I told her.  She said she and her partner have spilled there lunch like that before.  I even said how when I left I stood at the top of the stairs and looked out to see but then left right away.  She said no one would know what it was and that’s when she started talking about lunch spilling. And she told me she knows I did but she didn’t see anything.  I commented it was a mess.   She asked me if my OB takes urine and checks things out.  I said no but my regular doctor does once a year.  She wondered if I have a mild infection.  He didn’t find anything.  Then she asked me how long it is when I’ve been to the bathroom and then I’m afraid I have to go again or think about going.  She asked me if I pay attention to the time.  How long do I wait before I do go.  She asked if it’s been 15 minutes do I go or 30 minutes do I go?  I wasn’t sure.  I told her it depends on how much I’m drinking or where I am if there are bathrooms around or not.  But I did tell her like when I’m in a car, around the hour mark if I haven’t gone I do start to worry about it.    So we ended and we both know I’m coming back tomorrow just to watch kids and then again on Thursday.  I’m so lucky to have her as my therapist.  She is so nice and so accommodating.  And what she does with me at not a blink of an eye.  Very nice!