(2) My Diary '18th January 2017'

18th January 2017 I wrote;

((( I never thought I'd see the first day of 2017. I never wanted to. I think about you every day in almost everything I do. Silence. You give me silence. If I could say anything to you right now, I'd say I'm sorry, I hate myself. You wouldn't want this. This feeling keeping me chained to the earth. All I want is your happiness, like before. I hate myself. I promised myself I wouldnt cry. I miss you more every fucking day. I'm hurting so much, so silently, you'd never think humanly possible. I'll never stop pining for you, my love. I'll never leave you. Only my thoughts of you are keeping me sane, the rest of the world I couldn't care less. I'm selfish. I'm greedy for this happiness of you I crave.

This hurt will never pass. When I see you, I just might get angry. Please forgive me, I love you so much. Laying in bed, hearing you say you love me. Waking up to good morning I love you texts. How am I supposed to overcome this grief induced hangover? I wish I could run to you right now. I'd never come back here. I wouldn't want to. You know how I know? Because you made me feel like I never wanted to come back before. 

How is this fair? I can't even ignore you. I wont let myself. I still want to die. I've never felt so lost in my life. Not even my family know how I feel. I told you no one could ever understand. How could they? If hurt like this even struck them 1% they'd lose it. Why am I the one who gets to decay silently? They think I'm fixed. Oh baby, what have you done to me? Is it still a crime to say I miss you, aloud. 

I haven't written to you in 2 months. In this time I've done drugs and tried to OD. I will keep trying. I'm sick of feeling responsible, I don't want to be in charge anymore. I want you to hold me like you did. I yearn for your touch so badly. I feel sick.

I don't want time to pass. This almost 4 month gap is disgusting. I can't believe I'm still here. I hate how time passes. I've got nothing from you but my sanity. But it's driving me insane. I'm pathetic, I need a mentor or something. You were my mentor in happiness. You were the best teacher I've ever had. I can't rely on anyone anymore. I'm completely alone. And don't I feel it. Don't I see it.

I used to feel guilt at the thought of leaving my mom. I don't feel this anymore. I have to change completely when I'm infront of her. When I'm infront of anybody. No one truely cares. They'd say they do. They'd think they'd believe it too. I've been the screwed on glue in this household. It'd scare them to be in that position. They couldn't be the one to be force-fed all the pointless bullshit.. then come to the one place I'm allowed to be alone, the bedroom, and drown in all this sadness. I laugh at the thought of them trying. I also anger in the thought of me being the only one able to. I know you know what I'm saying. You see it every day, don't you?

I've re-read and laughed a little. How stupid am I? How the fuck did I just picture them doing what I'm forced to do? How can they even be expected to deal with this much depression when they can't even see it right infront of them. Oh. See how good I am? Isn't it sickening? Also, see how poisoned I've become? I wish I was lying when I said I hate my life. I wish I was stupid like them, I wish I wasn't capable of being able to embody this pain. I wish all the people you knew in America were right. "I'm young and have my whole life infront of me. This is just the start of my emotional life. I am yet to expericence love in its best form." )))

Hi again. When I wrote that in my diary, I was extremely emotional. But it all still applies. Even though I'm not as emotional right now. Every word of it is still true. I'm completely in love. And I'm also heartbroken. I'm in love with someone who no longer exists on this planet. It's very hard to live with. Waking up every day without the one thing you wish you had. Him. It's draining. And lonely.

I'm going to tell you how I met this amazing man, how I fell in love with him. And how it all fell apart like it was never there to begin with.

Are you familiar with an Xbox? The gaming console. Yes, we were both online gamers. We met during a heist setup on GTAV (Grand theft auto five) on Xbox 360 on December 31st 2015. I was around level 80 and he was around level 120 at the time. We were both pretty compettitive, and good at the game. There were originally 4 of us who completed the heists. We all quickly became friends. We'd understand eachothers moves so it'd get the missions done quicker, so we could spend our hard earned money on brand new cars and weapons! The three of them were from the United States and here I was from the United Kingdom, and the only female in the group. I quickly became popular. We were an awesome team. We kept playing for some time after that but the others would slowly drift offline so it ended up only being me and (little did I know) my future love. 

I had no idea at the time but I was already falling for him. He was very good at them game, smart, and very confident. I had no idea what to talk about when we gamed together, because all I wanted was to hear his voice. His super deep and charming american accent. Every day and every night we played together. Going to work was a burden for me. Whenever I was online when he wasn't, I used to be so upset. It was hilarious looking back. Our feelings for eachother quickly grew into something I've never felt before. I didn't even know if it was close to love, but heck. It was. Months went by, we spoke over the phone for hours. We'd have a routine and know when we were both awake, so we could game and talk. It was pure bliss.

Mid 2016 when I turned 20, things began to get serious for us. We both felt something so deep for eachother. We spoke about meeting up. Now I've never travelled anywhere before, I didn't even have a passport. We planned my trip to the United States between only ourselves. I worked my butt off to get some money for the 2 month trip. I got my passport and told my family I was going to the US to travel. They did not agree but they let me go eventually~ So on the 2nd September 2016 I flew all the way to Atlanta, GA to meet him. And he did not dissappoint! We both cried and screamed when we saw eachother. He held me as we staggerd through the hundreds of people at the airport. People were clapping and cheering for us. It felt like something out of a movie. Something that you feel never happens to you, until it does. It was the best day of my life. I can re-live that moment whenever I want now. Its something I will never forget. 

He lived in a beautiful neighbourhood where the trees were tall and full of life, where everyone was so friendly and smiling all the time. The grass was green, the air was fresh, the sun was blazing. I felt like I was floating the whole time. He introduced me to all his friends (or most of them, as he was a very popular person in his town) He took me places to see the sights he'd call normal but I'd call insane. I was such a tourist but he didn't mind. He took care of me. We rode around on his motorcycles and went out drinking, dancing and adventuring ~ I honestly couldn't believe how lucky I was. He treated me like a princess and loved my like a wife. It was crazy. Everyone deserves to feel like that at some point in their life.

But just like that, just as things were so perfect, it all changed in an instant. On 22nd September, three weeks into my 2 month trip, it happened. We had the most amazing day. We slept in, like usual. Went to the pool, played volleyball with friends, got home, ate his amazing home made spaghetti bolognese. He truely was an exceptionally fantastic cook, artist and musician. We ended up making sweet love on the night, talking about our future and what life had ready for us. But during that, he collapsed on me. His unknown brain aneurysm had ruptured. It was the worst moment of my life. The worst feeling I have ever felt. The worst thing I have ever seen. Panic. Extreme panic. Blood. Tears. I screamed for his housemate to help me. We tried so hard to keep him alive. ugh fuck.

Anyway... .. sorry .. ..

That was the moment my life changed. That was the moment my life ended. The weeks that followed were undescribable. I was broken. I was alone. I was lost. The one thing that made sense was gone. The one thing I travelled half way across the world for was gone. I can't even tell you how many nights I spent in our bed sweating and crying into the sheets. The sheets he died on. The sheets me and my baby made love on. The sheets I attempted to comit suicide on. It was all too much for me to handle.

I don't really feel like continuing right now. But that was basically how we met and how we died. I'm sorry if this was a bit much for you to read. I didn't mean for it to sound this way but it is the only way I can describe. I'm so broken.

I'll be posting more diary writings soon. Thanks.