2 More Accidents Today I Hate This Practicing Its Really Hard

I don’t feel like writing very much detail today – well, we’ll see how it goes.  I went to my therapist today knowing I was going to practice two times again today.  The first time today with the bigger pad and the control panties with the longer legs and the next time with Big Bertha and the regular control panties.  I showed her the longer leg ones I just bought and she said that was it.  She asked me if I tried them on.  Yes.  Were the legs tight?  Yes.  She thinks I won’t leak out with these things on.  She asked where I got them.  Target – same as the other ones.  I told her I needed to go to the bathroom so we knew we better get started.  I said I brought a trash bag and she pulled out one, too that she brought one also.  Hers was white with a red handle.  I had one like that in my bag, with a yellow handle, but also in my bag a black one that I thought might be a little larger and she thought that one was good, too.  So I put that one out on the blue carpet like she said.  Not on her rug.  I commented that it’s not very wide but we used it anyway.  She turned around and I got the dress on, the longer panties and the bigger pad under them.  I asked again about what goes on first and if these panties are instead of underwear.  Yes.  But she said whatever is comfortable for me.  I didn’t say but I thought I’m going to take my underwear off if these panties work – less items to get wet!  I asked her as I was putting them on, “And you wear these things?”  She said under dresses and clingy things and then went on to say a lot of women do.    When she turned around she looked to see if you could see anything.  She said no.  It was so tight.  I commented how fat I am and she told me to pull it up all I can.  I did.  I told her how my underwear is so much lower than this (motioned to where).  She didn’t say I’m not fat because I am!  That bothers me because I’ve never been able to see any fat on my body in the past.  I had to go pretty badly by now and started going – it wasn’t too long.  After I had turned around I had asked her to stand up with me so she was standing, too – at the very beginning she was sitting.  I remember going to the bathroom telling her I couldn’t do this anymore as I was going and she just was there.  I remember putting my hand on a chair – kind of like support – a bit.  I told her how I hate this.  “It’s going down my legs again,” I told her and she echoed it back.  I looked down at the bag and saw the little puddle but didn’t say anything.  I don’t think she looked thank goodness.  I guess she trusted it was all on the plastic bag and not on the carpet.  This whole thing is so embarrassing for me I can’t tell you.  At the very beginning she said like in a form of a question, “Because you feel like you can’t do this by yourself?”  “Right.”  She asked me if it’s helpful.  Yes, it’s helpful.  I even said again, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”  Once (I think after the second time) I told her how I just want to disappear – become invisible.  After the second time I told her how glad I was that that’s over.  It’s like taking a hard test.  But, as she said, we have to know what works.  I just felt even more embarrassed today for some reason.  I felt like I couldn’t even talk right.  Maybe because there are so many of them, so many accidents – I’m not sure.  So after I had gone to the bathroom, and she knew it went down my legs again, she asked me if I wanted paper towels again.  Yes.  I told her it’s not like the old style rubber pants for babies.  She thought the longer leg panties would help hold it in better.  She got the paper towels and asked me if I wanted her to leave or just turn around.  Just turn around was OK.  I didn’t quite know what to do about changing – a little bit of freeze mode – and she said to get comfortable.  I wiped up the bag, put it aside and took off the wet things.  She told me I could use the bag she brought.  I did.  I put my underwear back on and sat back down with the dress still on.  She turned around.  I told her the dress didn’t seem to be wet.  I had told her earlier when I washed it, it didn’t show too much because of the material and pattern.  We decided it worked some – but not completely.  So, I need to try with Big Bertha.  The rest of the time we then spent talking about other things until I needed to go to the bathroom again.    When I pulled out the picture my daughter had this weekend to copy for her Facebook, I also pulled out some extra underwear that I told her not to let me forget to put it in my bag.  See … last time I needed them.  Well, as it turned out, this time I did put them in my bag but before the next time today I ended up peeing in my underwear a little and needed that extra pair.  But I didn’t tell her.  I do need to bring back another pair next time to put in there.  Oiy!  All over again!  Maybe I just won’t tell her why and just say I need to put them back in the bag again.  She may not even remember I put them in today.    I told her that picture was the last family trip we took together to Texas.  She glanced briefly at the back of the picture were I have things written.  We went somewhere every year.  My kids were 18 ½, 17 and 12 ½.  She commented they all look so different.  She even said how pretty my daughter is.  Yes, she needs to loose weight.  My friend, when she was little, had modeling pictures taken.  She was really pretty.  So when I needed to go to the bathroom again I told her and I said I better put Big Bertha on because I didn’t want to get caught without it.  So she turned around and commented how she really does need to clean that cabinet out – I don’t think so!  I don’t think she does much but what do I know – I’m so busy changing clothes.  I went into her drawer and pulled out my bag with my stuff.  I again asked what goes first.  Big Bertha, then the control panties.  So when I was done I asked her to turn around.  She did.  Not much talking going on.  I guess because I was really scared to do this and needing to go to the bathroom.  Kind of weird.  She looked at me front and back and said she didn’t see anything.  She asked me to walk to see if she hears anything.  And, I sat down.  Couldn’t hear much but it sure felt bad.  So big and bulky!  Everything is so tight!  I had to go but told her I was going to sit for a couple minutes.  I did and we talked but I have no idea what we talked about.  Soon I needed to go badly and said, “I really need to go.”  I think I made a couple faces, too.  So we stood up and I went pretty much right away after I stood up.  I didn’t say anything about it this time.  I think she knows by now how I act and with my body language and all.  I had moved that plastic bag back and she was standing with me.  I continued so say how much I hated this.  I didn’t come out and say it but I hate going to the bathroom right in front of her!  I usually don’t look at her at all.  I think this time I did for a second because I didn’t see her looking away like she sometimes does.  She was looking straight at me.  I think that’s when I said, “I hate this.”  When I was done I said, “OK.”  I told her it didn’t go down my legs this time.  That is really good.  So she turned around again while I changed and got my regular clothes on again.  I felt very quiet today.  Usually I’m gabbing and talking a lot.  I didn’t feel that this time.  Almost a shy feeling.  Shy doing this??  So she asked me what I learned from this.  That Big Bertha works and not the other one completely.  She said how Big Bertha is not called that for nothing – like big and powerful.  I wanted so much not to have this problem!  So much!  It gets into the Why Me?  And why can’t I be like everyone else?  I had told her earlier the story about in the car after the fireworks this weekend and having to go.  I didn’t tell anyone because there was nothing I could do.  We were stuck in the car, not moving, for at least a half an hour after it was over.  I quickly and quietly slipped a plastic bag under me and …  Lucky I had that.  Lucky my daughter moved back from leaning over the seat like she was.  Lucky I wasn’t in someone else’s car.  I thought it came from the blue but she said we kind of talked about it and planned for it last time.  I couldn’t do anything, go anywhere.  I didn’t need to tell anyone – there was nothing I could do.  She asked me what I did when we got home.   I said I had to go in and wash my hair (it gets wavy in the rain) and sped out like lightening in the house.  But my daughter’s boyfriend was right behind me and I don’t know if he saw anything or not.  I didn’t say bye to any one or anything.  I also said how we waited in line there before it started. Earlier I told my daughter I wanted to go before it started.  No line at first, then a long line that took about 10 minutes.  One 9 year old boy went in real fast.  My husband said it must have been an emergency.  One little girl went in a handicapped but she didn’t look like she had to go badly.  She said I could do that.  Do I look handicapped?  No, but she said with this problem, I could.  I said about others saying something.  She said they’ve all had bathroom emergencies and know what it feels like if you think you may not be able to make it in time.  And if they haven’t had bathroom emergencies they will.  I said – yeah, tomorrow!  She was talking about diarrhea and such.  I would still feel funny, though to use the handicapped one but I thought about it.    She also asked me in looking back, it’s good to do, what could I have done differently.  I said to maybe have gone to the bathroom before it ended.  I think she thought after it ended but I told her everyone wants to get to their cars as fast as they can.  She asked me how long was it between going before and the time we left.  I said maybe an hour.  If I would have gone before it ended I would have had to ask my grandson to get up.  He was on my lap the whole time.  Everything’s Nana.  But she said what happened I didn’t inconvenience anyone and they didn’t know.  And she said my choices at the beginning was to come prepared, wear something or not go at all.  Yeah.  So getting back to what I learned.  We talked about in essence that this is how I am and I have to deal with it.  It is what it is out there at the wedding.  There are no bathrooms and there is not even a place to go inconspicuously.  Other people get out in places and they don’t even look for bathrooms.  And if they have to go they just wait.  She nodded yes and said I’m not like that.  I hate being like this.  She asked me if I hate the problem or myself – can I break the two out.  I don’t know.  She said this is how it is now.  She knows I’m trying different things and we don’t know yet if they will work.  She said, earlier,  to move to the grassy area (can’t see it if I have an accident like on concrete) if I have an accident.  Bring my camera and pretend like I’m getting a different angle.  But it may be down steps and no grassy area around.    She said as long as I don’t look like I’m struggling or pre-occupied no one will know.  I told her I was like that in the car.  As soon as I put the plastic down I went and didn’t even try to wait and move around like I do.  She said not to freeze and don’t get into my shame mode because people won’t know what’s going on and they’ll think I’m mad at them for some reason and they won’t know what’s going on.  I told her I just have to get into the wedding and the people and not think about it.  I didn’t say – but that’s easy to say.  But at least now I know what works and doesn’t work.  I can just wear Big Bertha for the ceremony.  Not the reception.  The next part what I said I couldn’t say the words right but she knew what I meant.  It was very good how she knew that and I told her.  Like she read my mind.  She chuckled.  It was my concerns that I don’t know how long Big Bertha will “do her job” (her words) before it may start leaking (my words).  Yeah.  I said how when you take a baby swimming in a diaper it blows up like a balloon.  She understood.  When I told her earlier about my real estate lady not even going the whole time on Friday – not even at the restaurant – I said how it shouldn’t even matter.  But it makes me feel bad when I’m not like that and I am what I am like.  I’m still confused on what to do about moving or not and my husband doesn’t voice his opinion very much.  I just remembered now how I went downstairs at this lady’s house who was home and used her downstairs bathroom secretly.  I didn’t even flush so no one would know.  She said that was good and OK I did that.  No one knew.  And  … the Viper.  I don’t want my husband driving it!  But it may rain and then the whole Viper thing is out anyway.  And … my grandson slept over Friday night.  We were doing Creepy Crawlers and he got down off the chair, burped and said she thought he was going to throw up.  She laughed.  And I reminded him I have baseball pajamas for him and he said his boxer shorts are in case he has an accident.  She just listened.  Again, I said I felt like I had to go to the bathroom.  She said it was unlikely and wondered again if, especially in the summer women get this, like an irritation in my bladder.  Not an infection.  She mentioned cranberry pills.  I said I know of the juice.  She said that has sugars and other things and the pill is more direct.  When she asked me why I thought I was feeling this I told her probably because of the intensity of doing this, the focus and the accidents.  She commented the fear factor.  Finally I asked her, “Can I go to the bathroom?”  “Sure.”  I didn’t say but I had already gone 2 times and it was near the end so I didn’t know if she would just want me to wait or just end there.  I don’t think she’d ever make me wait knowing how I am.  She told me to notice if it was very much.  I came back telling her, “Not very much.”   “What do you think that’s all about?” she asked me.  I’m not sure.  Maybe because I feel like I should be going to the bathroom in the bathroom.  “Like you are not finished?”  Maybe.    I just can’t tell you how hard these are.  Going to the bathroom right in front of her!  She asked me if I can practice at home between now and Thursday.  Is she kidding?  “No, I do all my practicing here,” I told her.  She knows that.  I told her I want to forget about it at home.  I guess she just wanted to suggest it.  She said that at least at the reception I can eat anything I want to.  Yeah.  She said she has some kids on restricted diets and they would have trouble with that.  So that’s how we ended for the day.  I left, walking out, telling her that bag on the floor goes back in the drawer.  She said OK.  It’s my extra clothes and there is one more Big Bertha left inside.  The massage therapist was late and called just before I left her office.  “Sure I can wait,” I told her.  I don’t think my therapist caught that.  Wish I could wait!  So I sat in the waiting area.  Soon my therapist called a little boy in (maybe 9 years old).  Are you ready, Victor?  Not really, he said while he went in and his Mom waited in the waiting room.  She didn’t even look at me.  One focus – that’s OK.  I had enough for today with her looking at me anyway!    So on Thursday when I go back, before the wedding I need to make it positive.  I need to make it successful.  I can’t have anymore accidents because those just stick in my mind and that’s what I will think will happen.  Well … it probably will.  Maybe I should work on that.  What we are not working on is my next upcoming trip.  After this week we only have 2 weeks to do so.  I’m afraid we are going to run out of time on that.  But I didn’t plan on no bathrooms at all being at the wedding!  I had no idea until I checked it out!  Good thing I did.    Maybe I can practice with Big Bertha just wearing it.  Maybe I can practice again having an accident like at the wedding.  I just don’t know.  If we’d do that we’d have to do the tappers with her telling me it’s only practice so I don’t think I have accidents all the time.  Maybe I can have a success at just waiting outside the bathroom.  I really need practice having an accident in Big Bertha like real life but I’m afraid that’ll upset me more.  Unless, maybe we can talk about it.  It’s only practice.  Maybe we can do both.  I’m so so so so so so so tired of this!!  I picked up my grandson at camp today and brought him back here.  When they left my daughter commented how comfortable he is here.  Here and at home.  She said how like this is his second home.  She said it in such a close-knit bonding way.  Very, very nice!  And my grandson – such a pleasure to have!