2 months ago today
Today....it has now been 2 months since my sweet Jeremy passed. I miss him more every day.
The past week has been hell.
My daughter Megan's baby is due in 10 weeks. A few days ago she started have contractions. We spent 8 hours at the hospital. Dr said,,yes, they are hard contractions but they are not labor. Even after 10 hours of contractions every 5 min the contractions are not dilating her. So that is good news. The tough part came when they hooked up an iv. When they programmed the iv pump and the beeping started.....I lost it. I had to leave the room and go to my car! It threw me right back to the hospital 2 months past. And all the iv's and pumps and monitors and tubes and oh god,,,, so much stuff hooked up to my boy!
Then of course the guilt from not being able to stay with my daughter just because of and iv.
My son was transported to the hospital 2 months ago when he collapsed from a seizure while shopping with my boyfriends son. (Of course we find out later that the seizure was not just a seizure but was actually a seizure caused by the heart attack he was having) I was not with him and did not witness the seizure but it was described to me.
So now,,2 months later and a day after I lose my composure at the hospital with my daughter Megan because they hook up an iv,,,both my daughters (Megan and Becky) are visiting me at my home. My oldest daughter Becky comes up behind me and tells me her hand has gone numb again. Then she starts telling me it hurts. I watch in horror and shock as her hand draws up into a fist and pulls in toward her chest and her eyes roll up and she starts falling..She has gone into a seizure. It only lasts a couple minutes. Seems like a lifetime. Her sister calls 911 and she is transported to the hospital. We are only there for about 10 when she goes into another seizure.
They do a cat scan and an EKG. All is normal. They give her anti seizure med and send us home.
The date she was released from the hospital is 2 months to the day that Jeremy went into the hospital.
The the whole week and especially the seizures and the hospitals and everything i guess has sent me into such a spiral. So many memories and feelings.......I dont know how much more of all this I can go through......
The past week has been hell.
My daughter Megan's baby is due in 10 weeks. A few days ago she started have contractions. We spent 8 hours at the hospital. Dr said,,yes, they are hard contractions but they are not labor. Even after 10 hours of contractions every 5 min the contractions are not dilating her. So that is good news. The tough part came when they hooked up an iv. When they programmed the iv pump and the beeping started.....I lost it. I had to leave the room and go to my car! It threw me right back to the hospital 2 months past. And all the iv's and pumps and monitors and tubes and oh god,,,, so much stuff hooked up to my boy!
Then of course the guilt from not being able to stay with my daughter just because of and iv.
My son was transported to the hospital 2 months ago when he collapsed from a seizure while shopping with my boyfriends son. (Of course we find out later that the seizure was not just a seizure but was actually a seizure caused by the heart attack he was having) I was not with him and did not witness the seizure but it was described to me.
So now,,2 months later and a day after I lose my composure at the hospital with my daughter Megan because they hook up an iv,,,both my daughters (Megan and Becky) are visiting me at my home. My oldest daughter Becky comes up behind me and tells me her hand has gone numb again. Then she starts telling me it hurts. I watch in horror and shock as her hand draws up into a fist and pulls in toward her chest and her eyes roll up and she starts falling..She has gone into a seizure. It only lasts a couple minutes. Seems like a lifetime. Her sister calls 911 and she is transported to the hospital. We are only there for about 10 when she goes into another seizure.
They do a cat scan and an EKG. All is normal. They give her anti seizure med and send us home.
The date she was released from the hospital is 2 months to the day that Jeremy went into the hospital.
The the whole week and especially the seizures and the hospitals and everything i guess has sent me into such a spiral. So many memories and feelings.......I dont know how much more of all this I can go through......
Replies
My heart aches for you my dear friend. I wish I could hug away all your pain & anxiety. It\'s totally understandable how the beeps & sounds of the hospital with your daughter caused you to lose it.
Just today I was driving to work & an emergency squad came toward me, literally. I was at a red light & I saw the vehicle go around some traffic & came straight towards me with the lights flashing & sirens wailing. Automatically I thought back to when my son passed away & the emergency squad came. Even tho it\'s been almost 5 years ago, today I still started to panic.
Feelings & flashbacks are so scary, but we don\'t have to suffer with them alone. The moms here can relate, understand & are supportive. Many hugs of empathy.......Vicki
OH my darling friend.....my heart is pounding as I read this..... I am SO sorry! What a terribly scary and emotional time for you. Please, no guilt precious.....I can\'t imagine NOT becoming overwhelmed at the hospital....the smells, the sounds, the memories flooding in uncontrolably....Of course you needed to make a fast retreat to the safety of your car. I know Megan understood and has no feelings that you \"left her\".
I think I was about at the 2 months mark when I found this site. I was SO out of my mind in grief I didn\'t know what I was writing, what I was doing, where I was half the time. And I didn\'t have a pregnant daughter having contractions too early and another daughter having a seizure!! Oh sweet baby, I am just so, so sorry for all this added stress to your already overloaded shoulders!
First things first......deep breath in, slow deep exhale.....repeat, repeat, repeat. Do whatever you can to help calm your mind....that could be a long hot shower while screaming at the top of your lungs (one of my most successful tools), a long soothing bubble bath with a glass of wine, a long walk in the woods (nature always seems to help), an afternoon with a girlfriend sharing....or as you\'ve done, come here and spill it all out...
And always remember to take time, specifically to think about your breathing. It sounds so simple, we breath on auto pilot...but truth is we do not truly fill our lungs with each breath and doing so....taking the time to slowly breath in and out....can make a huge difference in heart rate and where our mind goes.
And just know that you have all of us here praying and sending LOVE energy to you each and everyday!! And I promise you, it won\'t always feel this intense...it WILL ease....the pain will never leave, but it does change over time.
Lots of love and tight heart hugs~~Teri
OH, I also meant to say that prayers are being sent for both Megan and Becky. I wish them both health and peace and much joy in their lives!
You are going through so much and of course are wondering how much more you can handle???
Hospitals in and of themselves stir so much within and present those moments that transport you right back to the \"moment\" with the sounds, the smells... I truly how this is for me. Part of my job is to BE with familiies when we do withdrawals and I had to witness this with my own son. It took me three years before I could find my courage to do this work again and it\'s only been two months for you and you are being called to be present for your daughters. Please be so very gentle with yourself and if you are able let them know how this is for you. It is not selfish, you are not a failure, it is self nurturing and you are trying your very best to show up yet must allow yourself all the back door exits that you need.
I\'m sending loving thoughts and prayers for your daughters and hope this little one can wait for just awhile longer and most of all I\'m giving you huge reassuring hugs that you are an amazing mother and doing all that you can. To even be able to set foot into the hospital is a Herculean effort! Look at all you are facing...
Lots of deep breathing and just this moment, just this day. Don\'t look too far down the path and know that you have loving companions BEside you all the way.
XO Joanie
Oh my....tis only 2 months,,,,there are so many things that can trigger stuff..
asTeri said,,,remember to breathe...and it\'s ok to run away,,scream,,,get upset,,,been there done that....love ya!!
All these emotions causes Anxiety, Sigh! Take a deep breath, scream Cry in the shower in the car, go out side throw something and break it, nothing you will regret though..Stay into the moment one day at a time...I know nothing made since to me until I/WE Moms had enough time behind us.. I\'d even get mad at someone who said something I didn\'t want to hear, My heartaches for you dear friend, Know, your journaling is where the healing starts, Love and Hugs, Kelly
This is so much for you to handle right now...all we can offer you is our hearts and an offering of peace...I hope you can find a way to incorporate into your being...just take it a moment at a time, if that is what it takes
I sure hope that they are running tests on your daughter afterwards to see what is up...in the meantime, please try to take care of you...
Prayers,
AnnM...
You do have alot on your plate right now. Keeping it together should not be a worry to you at this time. We are ment to break down cry, leave the room, do what we need to survive this very minute. 2 minuites from now you may need a differant coping stratigy. Dont hold things in it can make it worse. Venting to us is ok we understand . The virtual hugs are all that can be sent but we will try our best to help you get through the next beep. I had nightmares for months after my son passed PTSD. Remember to tell yourself \" this is a new normal\" the old normal left .
Hugs a good tight one ~ Penny
Two months is so little time to even accept the reality of it all. Grief is hard work both physically and mentally. You are dealing with so much right now. I was advised to drink plenty of water, we can get dehydrated from crying. Also take naps or just rest whenever possible. Eat healthfully. And most importantly vent.
Talk to us moms or a trusted person you are comfortable with. (I talk to my labrador) Please be sure I am thinking of you and sending you my love and concerns as you go through this grief journey not alone but with all these sisters of the heart. XOXO Debbie
Your loss is so recent...it is so hard. It is understandable why you were so upset in the hospital. I had such a hard time with hospitals for a while...so be gentle with yourself...you are processing so much and it is tough. It also helps not to look too far ahead. Take things day to day, hour to hour...or moment to moment...it is okay. Keep writing...it helps, because the moms here understand the feelings that you feel. Love and hugs...Karen
:( sending you strength and love, holding your hands, wrapping you in cyber hugs and love.
I am so sorry! I hope Becky is doing better and the doctors have figured out what was causing the seizures. I also hope that Megan has had a beautiful baby by now!!! I bet the hospital is one of the hardest places for you to go to now.
Sending you and your three children hugs!!!
Debi